AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

Yeah give me a man who is not so kind and loving (though not a horrible bastard!) who is emotionally stable and can take care of stuff and get shit done any day of the week.

Posters are not slagging her off for dumping him, quite the reverse. We’ve told her repeatedly to leave as they’re clearly not compatible. That isn’t what posters have issues with.

Then you're finding them annoying because you're completely missing the point!!!

OP should not marry and have a child with this man. It's incredibly hard having a child with a man who expects you to take responsibility for 98% of the load. To be honest this is very common in couples, regardless of ND- all kinds of NT men are like this- but it doesn't make it ok or worth having a baby with them!

The problem here is OP and others assuming that the reason her partner is undesirable is simply because he's autistic and then a whole load of people piling in to reinforce the idea that autistic people - in general/ as a group- are incapable of having functional relationships and make terrible partners and parents!
Thats just utter bullshit and incredibly offensive. And those of us who know and love autistic people and / or who may be autistic ourselves are not going to let those kinds of harmful generalisations stand without challenge.

There's a saying- if you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person. It really , really is true.

He clearly does take care of stuff as he has a good job, he just as limitations caused by a disability. For many his clearly wonderful attributes will be worth the empathy and support which needs to go both ways in any successful relationship. I may be crap with managing finances but I get a shedload of shit done and support my husband in other ways as he does me.

Absolutely this!

I’m not a terrible spouse, disabled people are not terrible spouses by default or on the whole. I support my husband in other ways, we’re a team.

I do love my autistic child. I love her hugely. She is wonderful and I didn’t know I could love anything like this.

She is also 15, desperately unhappy that she doesn’t fit in, confined to her bedroom by her own issues, incredibly restricted in her eating and frozen with fear at the thought of what her life will be. She wants to be independent but she can’t make herself a meal or even decide what she wants. Half an hour with people reduces her to non-verbal mush for 2 days. Her own body is a sensory nightmare and 1 week in 4 she can’t leave her bed.

I love her and she was a gorgeous pre-teen whose issues were far less obvious. I still wouldn’t recommend someone to have a child with a high chance of autism. Her adulthood is going to be tough, she will probably never leave home and SHE will be deeply unhappy about that. There are far more profound outcomes than hers that need to be considered also.

I feel sensitive about it having a child with autism who I personally think is my spirit animal. I love him so dearly. He’s just better to be around than most humans I have met. He’s quiet which I appreciate, we can sit in silence watching the world go by together and it’s so peaceful. He doesn’t want much other than warmth, love, kindness, endless Babybels and birds to watch!

I missed this post. Love it. These are exactly the sorts of things that make my autistic child easier than my NT children in many ways. We can go for a walk in the park for hours and she's so happy just being in nature and watching the ducks. She'll always come on a dog walk for me. My NT children would whine after about 2 mins- I'm tired, I'm bored, I want this, that, the other.

Of course someone now chiming in to say that you only think things are ok because he's young. Another parent of an older autistic child actually said that to my face one day! She said she was so sorry for me because of my child having SEN, but at least I had my other (NT) children and I should be so grateful for that!! Through gritted teeth I told her that I was fine and my child was just fine, and there was no need to be sorry for me. She told me I only thought that because my child was young and I'd see soon enough how bad things were and how awful her life would be, and how my child would make life difficult for my other kids too. I've never forgot that conversation. It lodged itself deep in my brain and affected how I saw a lot of things. It was bullshit of course. Are some things very challenging and very different? Yes. Are things still ok , and full of love, life, change and happiness, like any other family? Absolutely. Are we all better off for having my wonderful child in our family? Hell yes.

It sounds like he isn't able to do anything else apart from his job, he can't look after his finances and a female relative does everything for him. He wouldn't be able to support OP in any other way apart from love, and that isn't enough. Not with all the donkey work required with children, there's so much to do. He's not going to help in the house, put the child's routines and needs first or remember the million things you need to like buying things for the children, school events, navigating friendships, looking after them when they are ill etc. As lovely as he is, I don't think many women would want to have a child with a man where they would be doing absolutely everything, forever. It's a one way road to burnout, for the woman.

That is complete rubbish. I know many many ND women in happy marriages with NTs who aren’t stunners, myself included. We have many many wonderful qualities to bring to marriages.

Op is not compatible with him, with everything he has going for him he will find somebody who is.

And as for shutting down somebody with lived experience because of their ND words fail me.

To be frank a man will accommodate all manner of unusual non NT behaviours if a woman is attractive enough.
And be more inclined to take on a protective role towards her so I'm not sure a female autistic person is adding much insight to this thread to be honest

W.T.A.F is this new flavour of misogynistic, ableist bollocks. My jaw is literally on the floor.

Also- how absurd- in my experience it's women who are FAR more likely to bend over backwards to tolerate, accommodate and look after a partner. So your analysis doesn't even make sense on its own terms.

OK you say you are not a stunner but men are definitely more visual creatures when it comes to attraction than women are.
The bottom line here is that as a rule men are more amenable to do the protecting via financial support than women are to men.

You can disagree but I think that gender differences between autistic men and women do have an effect.

It's no good pretending that a woman will want to mother a grown man-autistic or not.

I'm not shutting you down anyway, just adding another dimension to the thread.

I'm not stopping you posting, just expressing my view that gender makes a difference when it comes to autism and relationships.

This collective pile of people are discussing THEIR lived experiences and that should not concern you but it quite clearly does.
You seem to be getting quite agitated over things that frankly have not happened and seem to be tying yourself in knots over it.
People are aloud to express how they feel and give an opinion based on that without someone trying to shut them down and accuse them of all sorts.

I think that your reaction is over the top.
There's nothing misogynistic about my post at all.

Ah le sigh.

They are doing more than sharing their experiences: the way those experiences are framed feeds into and reinforces harmful and false generalisations about disabled people. Having lived experience does not put those generalisations beyond challenge.

They are free to express their views, and I am equally free to challenge them. I haven’t sought to stop the conversation or have posts deleted. I am drawing attention to how these comments reflect a deep, endemic ableism in our culture that harms disabled people, children and their families every. single. day.

You don’t have to like having that pointed out. But your discomfort with my criticism does not make it censorship.

It's not misogynistic really? You dismissed that pps account of her relationship by assuming that the only thing she is bringing to the table are her looks, that because of her looks her male partner is happy enough to look after her like a child, and that as a result of these dynamics she lacks any insight into the conversation being had.

You’ve reduced a ND woman from an equal partner in a relationship to an attractive dependent, then used that assumption to dismiss her perspective.

Oh for goodness sake there is nothing misogynistic in suggesting that as a general rule men and women find different things attractive in a partner. It's just a fact.

So to pretend gender doesn't matter is bullshit.

I'm not reducing her to her looks at all.

Just that men as a general rule value looks more in a partner than vice versa.

Since when has this been a controversial view.

I've never known any woman put up with a man who can't take care of his finances for long, I've known it happen plenty of times vice versa.

I think the sex of the people does matter but given the different presentations of autism we can't generalise so simply.

I've never known any woman put up with a man who can't take care of his finances for long

Really? Happens all the time in my experience.

There absolutely is!

OK.
Point taken.
I do think though that it's true to say that a NT man will tolerate a specific behaviour in his autistic female partner that a NT woman would not tolerate in her autistic male partner if he displayed the same behaviour.

For example, only women can give birth and undergo the vulnerabilities that brings, the last thing she'd want is a man who can't manage the finances and take up the slack when she's temporarily engaged with other issues in this situation.
She needs somebody she can rely on.

Recognising that generally speaking men and women value different things in a partner is not misogynistic at all.

Why are you getting so wound up by this widely accepted fact?

She's got profoundly wound up when people speak about their own experiences that don't concern her. That some people don't want aspects of her life. I think she's intently winding herself up now by staying on this thread.