AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

No one said you shouldn’t. Saying that OP there’s nothing wrong with OP wanting to avoid having an autistic child is not saying that someone else shouldn’t choose to take that risk if they want to.

There is no one universal view of autism, or experience of autism. Your not liking to hear negative ones is your issue to manage. No one is obliged to censor themselves because you don’t like what they have to say. If you don’t like it, then don’t read the thread.

I’m a psychologist working with ND on a daily basis. My own children have traits of ND. I’m a lone parent- my ex has Autism- It’s fucking hard. I wouldn’t.

Nice to see those excellent neurotypical social skills, enhanced empathy and flexibility on display here.

Is your husband like OP’s now ex-partner? Does your husband require as many accommodations?

If not, what does it matter what your husband is like?

Also, managing doesn’t equate to thriving and not everyone wants to have to manage their spouse regardless if they’re NT or ND. Plenty of couples often women from what studies have reported divorce men over having to manage them and having to carry the responsibilities of children even more so while they themselves are also working. Plenty of women regret wasting years of their lives on a man they had to manage and even feeling relief when they die and choose not to marry again.

It is absolutely lovely that you and your husband have a wonderful relationship but that does not look like that would be the case for OP if she had a child with this particular man who happens to have autism. As several posters and I have pointed out, if this man was NT, the advice would highly likely still be the same that OP would need to have a hard think about having a child with this man or to not have one at all.

I would take away her struggles in a heartbeat but I would not change her, or him, for anything.

Is your daughter trans identifying? It's supposed to be over represented in autistic kids isn't it?

Oh ffs, I should really read posts properly before replying.🤦 Blaming that one on my ADHD lol.

You’ve clearly made your choice OP. I do think that all the talk of ‘inflicting’ a disabled sibling onto your daughter is (being generous) extremely one dimensional thinking. Children tend to love their siblings even if they’re not NT, in fact I know many families who are in this situation that you are fearful of and the bond between siblings is actually heightened (and beautiful). I understand that you might not want the difficulty of parenting a ND child, but the whole ‘I must protect my daughter’ is doing her a bit of a disservice I think. It really should go without saying that ND children are not automatically a horrible burden on a family. I suspect you just weren’t that into your partner.

Stop getting offended that I don't want your life.

wow.

Was thinking exactly the same thing haha

I could not give one flying monkeys about OPs choices. I've said that repeatedly , as well as affirming that I think she is, in her situation , making the right ones.

What concerns me is a collective pile of people promoting the idea -, uncritically and without any real insight or balance, - that disabled children are fundamentally inferior, wrong, a burden to their families (especially siblings), something that "blows up" or ruins your life , a terrible misfortune "inflicted" on others, etc. I am concerned about this because these attitudes are very prevalent in society and have very real harmful impacts on disabled people, children and their families .

I'm ND and have a lot of relatives and friends with ND.

I'm very high functioning/externally impressive in many ways, but also go through extreme burnout periods, during which I can barely look after myself let alone a child.

Lots of "long episodes" of bullying, depression, loneliness.

I've learned to mainly like myself but I also struggle with things like household management or mood control or sticking to a job.

Everything has to be aligned then it's Ok but when it goes wrong it goes badly wrong.

I'm self-aware enough to know my limitations.

There are many ND people who don't realise how much scaffolding they actually need to function.

If they have a quasi-stable life they think that is "proof" that they are able and competent to get to the next stage in life.

So someone I know currently lives with his family, good looking guy, has some assets.

Rather than live solo, he's desperate to move in with a partner as he's ostensibly done so before.

I don't really trust his perception - he is a fun kind person but clearly not an easy person to have at home 1-1.

You understand why it's only his grandmother who can deal with living with him.

He claims his ex-partner broke up with him due to personal reasons, but I suspect she just told him to leave as he was too difficult.

He'd be much better off living solo but it's like he wants to prove he's in the mainstream?

Same with someone who is completely financially provided for by rich parents.

Although he hasn't been able to hold down a job and requires care from his family, the way he talks he sees himself as a self-made man.

Not one who is only rich due to inheritance (which he manages badly and overspends on).

He's absolutely desperate to have a child and is probably going to have one with his girlfriend from abroad as he thinks he's a good provider who can be a good father.

Tbf you've just described a lot of men whether ND or not. Read any number of mumsnet posts

From someone I know with autistic sibling, the problem isn't presence of autistic one, but the absence of an NT sibling, because parents didn't have another.

Somebody who is “kind, patient, loving, has incredible morals” …..who “has a huge heart” and somebody the op “wouldn't want to write …off because of a disability.” is not going to be a shit parent.

Having all that and a good job does not a bad parent make. Neither does having somebody managing the money. My husband manages our money. I am a very good parent.

I am the ND partner and my husband makes many accommodations as do I for him ( he is NT). That is what makes successful thriving marriages successful when you’re compatible.

And no if he was NT the advice wouldn’t be the same as regards somebody the op describes as having a good job and “many traits in him that I adore. He's kind, patient, loving, has incredible morals. He has had long term relationships before, both women apparently left because they cheated on him. He has a huge heart and I wouldn't want to write someone off because of a disability.”

Being kind, having good morals and a huge heart is about 2% of what it takes to parent. I'd pick up the other 98%. It would be shit. Patience can also wear thin if you're doing the lions share of everything because the other person cannot cope. My was DPs female relative he lives with, her patience wears thin regularly because of all the things she has to deal with because he couldn't or wouldn't do it.

You've said this probably 20 times now on this thread. It's worked for you. It doesn't work for anybody. Look at the probably hundreds of testimonies on this thread.

That may be ok for you @Sky1ark but personally I do not want a third party managing the money in my relationship. Neither do I want to manage all the money all the time, or indeed do any managing at all.

Kind and loving is not enough for me if there are daily meltdowns over forks and shirts. I am kind, loving and have good morals myself. I don't want to parent an adult in addition to my kids. Parenting the kids is hard enough.

Think you’ve repeated many things over the course of this thread. The post I was replying to clearly assumed I was the NT partner, I was replying to her as she directed her post to me…which is how MN works.

ND/NT relationships work for many.NT /NT relationships don’t work for many as it’s down to compatibility not writing off somebody because they’re ND which you allegedly didn’t want to do but seem to be doing a very good job of doing just that. I have no issues re you recognising using your lack of incompatibility however you seem to be contradicting yourself hugely when you decide all ND people are to be avoided in relationships, make bad partners and bad parents.

How was the break up, devastating for both as you said it would be?🤔

Ok however many NT women are happy for NT men to manage the money so it’s not down to ND, it’s down to compatibility.

They are fools then if NT, as we know from all the posts on here where the man has run off with all the money and the woman has been left high and dry.
Why do we have such low bars for women?

I think it’s probably a wise decision. You also haven’t seen yet what kind of parental figure he might be to your dd. He might be incredible dedicated and supportive in which case you might feel you could manage a challenging child as a team. Or, he might find it hard to be flexible and put a child first, and to be tuned into what you need practically and emotionally.

We don’t, it can run both ways as the op illustrates. Many women are great at balancing the household books and running the finances. Relationships vary. What works for one won’t for another. You can protect yourself whilst having a partner manage the finances.

Yes the advice would be the same.

He needs somebody to mother him and cannot manage his own finances.

I don't see how the OP is attracted to him at all on this basis to be frank but each to their own.

These things would be a massive turn-off for me- autistic or not.
Though my autistic ex was very independent. In fact he needed nobody.

I'm fact it can be argued that his autism is actually an advantage here owing to the number of - extremely annoying to me-posters telling she's a bad person for dumping him.

As if anybody would be slagging her off off if he were NT!

Everybody would be saying that she'd just be another mother to him.

I really don't think you're taking gender differences into account here, either. They matter.

Is part of the problem here that we elevate marriage and parenthood above other types of relationships? Someone with a big heart but little life skills isn't going to be a good spouse or parent but could be a very good friend or a good member of a group that does good work, it's just that we don't value those relationships as much.