AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

That’s such a lovely post.

But surely you knew he was autistic when you got together?

What you said about how your sister has enhanced your life and made you a better person, really spoke to me as well. My child has taught me so much about people, the world, myself; the different ways it's possible to love a person.

.I also think there is something people miss when they only see disability in terms of difficulty or burden. Getting to know someone so completely unique, and experiencing the world alongside them so intimately, can bring things into your life that you might never otherwise have known. I feel incredibly lucky to have that

Don't know what thread you're reading. You seem to making it up as you go along.

Yup! She's twisted my words completely. I said who would want to bear that on an existing child? Fucking nobody - to be precise. And by that I mean actively conceive a second child with increased risks of profound autism. And I stand by that. I won't take the risk for my daughter.

My kids love their sibling and they are by no means unique. You really don't have a clue.
Glad you have ended this relationship.

You’ve said that several times, do you want some kind of a medal?

So you're back to trying to police the thread and what people talk about again. You not packed it in yet?😂

Also, I'm going to correct someone who is twisting my words and then calling me 'ableist' because of those twisted words.

You mean nothing to me and I mean nothing to you. Stop getting offended that I don't want your life.

Isnt that what you’re doing? I simply asked why you keep saying it, it’s as if you want a pat on the back- repeatedly. We get it.

You have no idea what my life is like.

You've also expressed your feelings for your husband, should someone offer you a sarcastic medal? Because I bet you wouldn't like that.

Trying to silence the thread, it's pretty obvious.

Look, I don't want to discount your experience at all, but have you really never heard of the glass child? It is a reality for many siblings of disabled children.

I also hate to speak ill of my close friends and neighbours, the Beatles, but love isn't all you need. Love isn't enough. You need the finances, the flexibility, the support system, the time. It isn't always possible to remain equitable within your familial relationships when someone else's needs are substantially more significant in time and energy than other people's within the family and it is unfair to place the burden of understanding that on other children, however the burden of providing that equity still falls on parents and caregivers who can often be left in an impossible situation because we don't live in a utopia of support and unlimited resources at our disposal.

I'm so happy that you and your family are so full of love for eachother and you make it work. There's a cost to making it work that not everybody can afford, and everybody should be able to make an informed choice about family planning.

This thread is wild, I've noticed that the first 3/4 of it nearly 100% supported OP though, since then it feels like other posters have just come on to make their points. Honestly, no one is commenting on your life choices, they are talking about OP's situation and OP has the right to choose who she has a baby with and ask for advice from people. I'm sure her ex-partner has lovely traits (that she has listed earlier in the thread), but he needs a lot of support to cope with daily life, and when you have a baby, you are the one giving the support, not the one receiving it. He can't cope if he doesn't have his favourite t-shirt or fork, he has a female relative looking after his finances, and he does no housework. He isn't going to be able to step up to the relentless demands that have a baby requires. Having a baby is lovely, but it is hard work and you don't get a day off. You don't get to choose when they need you, they choose.

Also, if he needs rest to cope with things, when would OP get a rest? She never would, because he wouldn't be able to manage a child on his own. She would have to look after two children, and look after him, because she already has been helping him until now.

Well my husband manages to rest when accommodating my need for decompression and we have several children.

I managed with my children, many, many ND parents do.

Apparently, "not wanting our lives" means we should be perfectly OK with reading that we shouldn't:

Be in relationships
Have kids
Have siblings
Be born

And if we take offense at that then that is entirely our own problem that we created.

But it's us who struggle with empathy. Apparently.

Apparently 'managing' is the goal. Very strange

I know!

Nobody said you shouldn't do these things, actually. Not one person! Nobody cares what you do.

We have said we personally don't want to parent with autistic partners, if it can be avoided.

To give another example- should my marriage break up- I would never date a man with children because I would make a terrible stepmother. I don't want 'the life of a stepmother'. This isn't to say that other women shouldn't be stepmothers. This isn't to criticise those who have chosen to be stepmothers or claim they have terrible lives. I just am not capable of loving other people's children.

Baffling that people see other people's personal choices as a judgement of their own. It's not.

If you can't see the inherent implication in what you are saying that autistic people cannot be good parents or partners, then all I can say is the neurotypical people really aren't as good as they say at reading subtext- even their own.

And that's when we don't consider the whole impetus of this thread, which is that also, we do not make good children and absolutely terrible siblings, and by being born we ruin everyone else's life.

But it's not judgement, it's me, being hypersensitive, ofc.

Well judging by the things that OPs partner seems to have problems with it doesn't seem ideal with dealing with kids

Ok. I do think that an autistic person such as the one OP described will be a shit parent, so you got me there, revealing my full ableism.
Some NT men will also be shit parents. But I expect they won't have a relative managing their money.