AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

I think something the posters that are bashing the OP are missing here is that a decision like this is also about recognizing your own limitations as a person/parent. No one is saying that children with severe challenges aren't wonderful, or deserving of life and love. Or that you should want to change them. They are saying that they know that they - not you - couldn't cope with the difficulties that comes along with it.

For example, I am a completely lone parent, and when I was having my child I opted to have a caesarean because I was so worried about the potential for life changing birth injuries. That is not because I would regard a child that sustained them as defective, or lesser, it was because I knew that in MY PERSONAL SITUATION and being the personality that I am, I would not cope with it. That I would end up so overwhelmed, resentful and miserable with the struggles and the impact on my life, career, finances and mental health that I would end up essentially wanting to die but being unable to make that happen because of the responsibility for my child. That's about me, that's not about the child.

Maybe those of you who can handle it are just better people, that's entirely possible and I have every respect and all the admiration for you. But isn't it better to recognize your own limitations than to walk into a situation that would be harmful for everyone in it?

No I agree it's absolutely fair to recognise your own limits and what you are and aren't capable of managing, and many people chose not to have children at all for this reason, or stop at a certain number. All totally valid and sensible. But the things OP has said go well beyond that.

But there is absolutely nothing wrong with being autistic . and disabled children in general are no less precious, valued, valuable, loved , and no more of a burden than your non disabled child, or any other child.

I agree with the ‘no less precious or loved’ bit.

But sorry, if you grow up non verbal, incontinent, hit your head violently and repeatedly as stimming, your mum and siblings wear protective clothing for the punches and head butts, your younger sibling eats in his room and has asked for a door lock, your older sibling has moved out to a friend’s because they cannot study for GCSE with non stop sleep disturbance, both siblings have been referred by the school as ‘at risk’, but your Mum gets absolutely no help or respite, and eventually you need carers 2:1 when you turn 21 and eventually Adult Services offer a place to live, you might justifiably say that there is something wrong with being autistic, and that the challenges for the whole family are immense.

I have a disabled child (mobility disability) who has not presented any more challenges than any other child, that couldn’t be worked around with a bit of imagination.

Not every disabled child is the same.
Not every autistic child is the same.

My friend’s severely affected autistic child has a wonderful partner whose ASD traits are part of the best of them . They are clever, hard working, a great parent.

There is a world of difference between parent and child, both sharing an autism diagnosis.

We need to be truthful about these things.

No wonder my friend’s severely affected gets no bloody help if people warble away about autistic children ‘no more of a burden than any other’

The reason why someone ‘needs time alone’ doesn’t make the need virtuous and acceptable or not.
The fact one needs time alone due to ND doesn’t negate the huge impact it has on their partner who is left holding all the plates by themselves.

And tge fact it can happen in NT-NT couples diesnt make it acceptable either.

Tye reality is that theres a cost. And someone is allowed to say they refuse to bear the cost, regardless or not it’s linked to disability.

Actually it’s healthy. Couples don’t need to be joined at the hip. Many couples want space and have happy thriving relationships with space. As I said couples who are compatible need to work out how to support each other effectively which many do manage to do.

My husband spins a lot of plates but so do I, we have learnt to recognise each others needs and to build something that works- because we want to and are compatible. OP doesnt want to and isn’t compatible with her partner. Such is life. Both will have many positive attributes and find somebody more compatible.

“Not every disabled child is the same.
Not every autistic child is the same.”

100%. Which is why it’s absolutely unacceptable to speak of disabled or autistic children as a category/ group in terms of undesirability, burden, or a misfortune “inflicted” on people.

All children are different.

Recognising that some children may have additional challenges and needs—in particular ways or at particular times—does not require us to describe that person’s life as a “burden” or imply that it is less valuable.

My child is autistic, with high support needs—level 3. Yes, lots of things are a struggle, but she has also brought new meaning, enrichment and love into my life that I didn’t know before. She is also the most unique, hilarious and happy little person. I’m sorry for those who will never have that experience.

1- needing time alone doesn’t entitled you to have some as soon as you have children. It might be ‘healthy’ but if there’s no sauce first that there isn’t. Your chikd should go first but often if it’s needing time alone ‘because if autism’ then suddenly it’s non negotiable….

2- you’ve nicely avoided the essential question - if time alone is essential for the autistic person, who is dealing with the children (doing the HW etc etc. It’s not as if we all have 12 hours of free time each day to do as we p'ease)? Who is bearing the price fir them being able to just step away?

I could say the same for my son too
But hes 16 now and is going through puberty
And lets just say it comes with its challenges
Whilst.he can be very loving his behabiour is very unpredictable
We are slso getting to the age where people are no longer quite so undrstanding and forgiving of his challenging behaviour bevause hes not little and cute anymore.

I think she meant HIS lack of self awareness

Ah, apols! Misread

What are you talking about? Parents are teams and can learn to juggle effectively. Kids don’t need both parents all the time. We have differing strengths and needs and can accommodate both.

I hope things get easier for you and your son xx

But she doesn't WANT to. That should be accepted and respected. End of, This cajoling and coaxing and persuading is just putting the onus on women to give in and accommodate.

Our 11 yo DS1 is pre-verbal autistic, global delay and 9 yo DS2 is highly likely AuDHD, still waiting for assessment, currently on year 3 of being on a waiting list.

DS2 has asked can we send DS1 away somewhere because DS1 is like Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde. He is lovely until he melts down without warning or obvious cause and starts to slam doors, DS2 has seen DS1 hit/ kick/headbutt me repeatedly because I tried to see what is wrong and get him to calm down and tries to squeeze DD2 because she did the normal thing for a baby - toddler to cry because his actions with doors and towards me scare her. DS2 wouldn’t hurt a fly and has even moved and stood in the way from DS1 coming towards their sister. I’ve told DS2 we couldn’t because DS1 is family and sometimes struggles. Yet, I contemplate splitting from DH so that DH can have DS1 and I have DS2 and DD1 because DS1 is only getting bigger and stronger and I don’t want to wait for the day I cannot handle him and I don’t want DS2 thinking he has to try to protect me and his sister from his own brother when DH is not around or have two youngest thinking that this is normal when it isn’t.

I didn’t know DS1 would be like this. Didn’t know DH was AuDHD. I love my children and I don’t regret DS1 but if there was a cure I’d want it for him too like other posters have said about their own children.

I also wouldn’t choose this life given the choice. I never thought the person that I would have to defend myself and my children against would be my own child, their own sibling or that my home is so stressful to the point that I only feel genuine relief or that I’ve had a break when I’m not in it.

Well said.

Continuing with the language analogy, even if it can be learnt it's still a damned sight easier to talk to somebody who has the same 'mother tongue' i. e. you both grew up with English as your first language than somebody for whom English is a second language.
Far less misunderstandings.
Far more room for nuance.

It's just easier.

And just so I don't get accused of racism or some such, you can replace 'English' with any language you like in this example.

You’re talking nonsense. I have said multiple times she should leave as have others calling out abelism. They’re not compatible. Zero cajoling or persuading here or from others. Leave. The fact they’re not compatible does not mean however that he won’t find somebody else he is more compatible with. He will. He clearly has a lot to offer.

Wow many people aren’t repelled by the thought of having conversations with people whose English isn’t their first language ditto with those who have disabilities. Don’t judge people by your own shortcomings.

It baffles me that you can't bare the thought of inflicting a disabled child on your daughther yet you are/were dating a man that I would describe as significantly disabled!? A man that can't manage his own finances and has a crash out when a particular t-shirt is in the wash, and can't recognise his own restrictions is a person who is significantly impacted by his disability. Thats an interesting choice of partner when you are a single mother to a young child.

You chose to date a person with a significant disability and then start a thread about not wanting to reproduce with a disabled person and then bash anyone that calls you out for your gross attitude towards disabled people.

I think we can safely say that goes both ways.

No this is wrong. Autistic or not, this guy from what I've read here, does not appear to have a lot to offer in terms of having a successful long-term cohabiting relationship.
Maybe as a non-cohabiting partner where there were no children he'd be fine. A good companion.

I don't know why you think he'd be a good husband. He can't even manage his own finances!

💯

Is it really baffling that she has been dating this man and has learned enough about him to know she doesn't want to live with him, marry him or have a baby with him?

Isn't that what dating is for?

What would be a way for OP to prove that she doesn't have a 'gross attitude towards disabled people'? By marrying him and giving him babies?

No one’s talking about the would be dad here, what if he can’t cope having a baby. OP don’t do it, it’s not fair on any of you.

Who said I was repelled by it?

Its not a short-cimibg at all to find it far easier to communicate with somebody who grew up with the same language as you.
Nearly everybody would agree on this. It's just common sense.

You're just being insulting for the sake of it now.