AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

Agree. Well said.

One misconception I had about autistic people has been shattered here: namely that they're logical.

Like any condition, it has key symptoms one of which is the inability to read social cues.
It can be argued that if some of these symptoms is missing it is in fact not autism at all.

Thus if somebody is in fact autistic they will most likely have an inability to read social cues and the expressions of others. How on earth people can argue this is a positive in a relationship goodness only knows.

I mean like heck is this a positive in a relationship.

Also, news flash, that was YOUR choice. This is MY choice. I'm not offended by your choice so you don't need to busy yourself being offended by mine.

It's done now OP and as much as it hurts, you've made the right choice.

I didn't realise he actually had an appointee managing his money, that's a serious level of dysfunction. And you can't really operate a relationship with a third person having a say in how/when/why his money is accessed. That's not going to work at all, not as a cohabiting partner, never mind as a parent. I misunderstood and initially thought he was managing his money with your help (which is bad enough and an added layer of pressure/hassle for you).

When you're recovering from birth or before that if you're having a difficult pregnancy, that's when you need your partner's support more than ever. Someone who isn't able to manage ordinary adult life for themselves would in all likelihood not be able to provide that support. And would possibly become resentful of you when you stopped being their primary means of emotional support and became the one needing their support. So if you'd gone ahead with pregnancy I don't think the relationship would have survived for long anyway.

Wow, this thread got even more bonkers.
You did the right thing.
Ignore the people shouting ' ableist' at you.
A man who has a meltdown over washing a fork would not have been a good parent. You do not owe a child to him.

No, it doesn't work like that. You have to meet very specific conditions to qualify for an Autism diagnostic and part of this is that your traits must have a clinically significant impact on your life in a number of areas. All these areas will be important for parenting including social communication and restricted and repetitive behaviours. Autism is recognised as a disability because it makes day-to-day activities significantly more difficult. Parenting involves lots of day-to-day activities so it stands to reason that someone with autism is more likely to struggle with parenting.

Does that mean they are guaranteed to be a bad parent? Absolutely not, but there is a higher likelihood and therefore risk that they will seriously struggle with elements of parenting more than an average NT person.

There was a thread about a year ago where an Autistic father insisted that all family members took place in silence because he could not stand noise when eating. This was taking a huge toll on his partner and his young children. It's this kind of rigidity and additional level of difficulty that that would be very unusual in an NT parent but reasonably common with autistic parents. My disabled relative would absolutely not be able to tolerate the loud noises associated with young children either and would find it almost impossible to break some elements of his routines to accommodate a child. A lot of his autistic friends have similar traits.

So in summary, both NT and autistic people can struggle with parenting but it is more likely that autistic parents will struggle more due to the nature of many of the conditions. This is something we should acknowledge as it facilities support being put in place. It also though should inform anyone looking to have a child with someone with autism.

You can take it as an insult all you like. Op has done and said nothing wrong. She doesn’t have to want a disabled child to spare anyone else’s feelings.

My DC is AuDHD. Obviously, I love them and think they're perfect. But if I could take the AuDHD away I would. Their life would be so much easier.

No, I don't see my DC as disabled. But they are an age now where they know they're different. And yes, they are a LOT more work than the average child.

With that lack of self awareness you made the right decision. Goodness me.

Where have I had no self awareness? I have pretty good self awareness. I've put my daughter first and that's my priority.

Purely asking to understand here (as mother of two autistic children)

What specifically were his and his brothers struggles as a children? Did they have a speech/ communication or cognitive delay which resulted in aggressive behaviour? Or were they put into respite care because the mum was exhausted due to lack of support/ sleep?

I disagree. It is a good think that OP knows what she can and can’t handle, and is considering her daughter’s wellbeing.

Yes, you made the choice with full knowledge and yes you were lucky that your daughter is a joy and doesn’t disrupt the life of her siblings or your family. That is not the case for other parents and siblings even with the help that is out there and I highly doubt and hope you’re not saying that such parents aren’t allowed to feel the way they feel or didn’t do enough because they didn’t have the same outcome as you. Not saying you are just reading the way you’re coming after OP for her choice not to take the chance because your choice turned out well for your family.

We can love our children and say that their disabilities negatively impact our lives and that of their siblings and that includes siblings who are both ND.

It is not ableist to say you don’t think you can handle being a parent to an autistic child due to the unknown severity they may have and their potential father who is autistic may not likely be a great father due to the part/ of his autism that would make him a questionable father.

If her spouse was NT, posters would still be telling OP to end the relationship or really have a think about having a baby with him due to his attitude and lack of thought about how things change when a baby enters the picture even more if he isn’t accepting that fact.

Why are you taking it so personally? This is YOUR experience. You CHOSE to risk it.

Now you ask my son if he would be autistic if given a choice. He is incapacitated by his disabilities and HATES being disabled. Sees other 19 yr olds having girlfriends and a life and he can barely take care of himself.

You do not get to dismiss other people's experiences because once you deliberate decided to take a gamble. Snarling your way through this thread like you are is pretty shocking.

It is not ableist for a single mum to not want to procreate with a man who cannot live independently, manage his own financial affairs, or cope when his favourite fork or shirt are dirty. OP is a single mum to one—she isn’t ableist for not wanting to be a single mum to three “children”.

Give your head a wobble.

Read my posts. I'm not telling people what they are allowed to post: I'm not censuring, I haven't reported a single post. I shared my views of the discussion, which I find to be profoundly ableist with eugenicist overtones. You may not like me saying that, just as I may not like much of the discussion on this thread making harmful and ableist generalisations about disabled children and partners.

So I pointed out that he should be able to take that approach with being able to use a different fork, or not having a 'crash out' when a black T shirt is in the wash when there's 20 identical black T-shirts in the cupboard.

That is more extreme than I was expecting. He's really going to struggle with parenthood.

I thought the PP was meaning HIS lack of self-awareness, not yours. It sounds a v sensible decision.

Wow! "Inflict a disabled child"??

Look you are absolutely free to chose who to have a baby with, and if you don't want to risk having an autistic child then good for you. Go forth and live your life.

But there is absolutely nothing wrong with being autistic . and disabled children in general are no less precious, valued, valuable, loved , and no more of a burden than your non disabled child, or any other child. They are not something to be "inflicted" on others, they are an absolute joy and blessing to anyone who is privileged enough to have them in their lives

Yes, that's clearly what was meant. The OP's ex has zero insight into his own behaviour, and how incompatible it is with the normal disruptions and compromises involved in parenting even the most easy baby/child.

Its not black and white though is it?
First of all autism is a huge spectrum and just becsuse you have a child with autism doesnt mske you an expert
My son has severe autism and severe learning disabillties he fumctions at around 2/3 years of age hes 16
I love him more than i can say but its hard work
And whilst iwould never wish he hadent been born its not a life i would choose either

No it isn’t. Autistic people are not just like everybody else however they’re not a pain
in the arse,they’re just different and have differing personalities and presentations just like NTs. Who says ND people have to present like NTs? We don’t. The double empathy problem illustrates that communication breakdowns between autistic and non-autistic people go both ways, meaning non-autistic people struggle to understand and empathise with autistic people whilst dictating that the ND should have to present exactly like them. They don’t.

Well its a disabillity which can profoundly affect some people lets not minimise it.

Clearly @gamerchick @x2boys and others feel differently about autism being a blessing, and they deserve to talk about their experiences with severely autistic kids, as no doubt they would find it difficult to say this in real life.

Wow you really are ignorant on the subject.

Many autistic people understand social rules and body language, but they do it through logical analysis rather than instinct. Instead of picking up nuances automatically, they learn social cues the same way a person learns a foreign language.

Autistic individuals often process social signals using the pre-frontal cortex—the logical part of the brain—rather than relying on subconscious intuition. Years of observation help many autistic adults recognize specific facial expressions, tones of voice, and body language patterns. Analysing every interaction in real-time requires a massive amount of brain power, often leading to extreme fatigue after social events.Many individuals hide their natural reactions and force neurotypical behaviours to fit in, which can cause anxiety or burnout. Understanding a cue analytically can cause a slight delay in knowing how to respond appropriately during a fast-paced conversation.

Autistic people have a lot to be proud of.

It's interesting that your post completely ignored all the extra work OP has to do for her partner and all the ways in which DP checks out of family life. She put it all in her response and you ignored it all.

It's indicative of the expectation on women to just pick up the pieces without complaining. The idea that a woman doesn't want to live with or marry or have kids with a man with autism seems to alarm so many people. They have no concern for OP, just the man that won't benefit from her services.

Lots of NT men check out of family life as do NT women sitting on their phones constantly.With ND men and women they are recharging from the huge additional impact and strain jobs and socialising causes. Time alone is a healthy way of managing difficulties and with support can be managed effectively so partners can learn to accommodate the needs of each other effectively. But you need to be compatible. Op clearly isn’t with her partner however like many ND/NT couples my husband and I are and have worked out how to support each other effectively and happily.