AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

That’s rich. Why bring it up?

Yep. She's gone out with the guy for a while but has now found out enough about him that she doesn't want to move the relationship on to the next stage. Or does she owe him marriage and babies because this is what he wants? Posters on here constantly write, "You can leave a relationship for any reason." Except, if you are not being deemed kind, it seems.

It baffles you that you learn and grow in relationships while dating? It baffles you that you don't completely know someone 2 years in, when you don't live with them?

Have you been living in solitary confinement?

Hi OP, I am married to an autistic man and have both step kids from his former marriage and kids together.

I think you need to think about this both from the perspective of the child you may have, but also from the perspective of how parenting with an autistic co-parent will be. In my experience, there’s an awful lot that my DH either cannot cope with, or simply does not even think of, which has put a disproportionate amount of the load onto me and made it very hard for me to cope at times. Only you and he will know how this could work out for you.

It was only after having children with my DH and experiencing all the added pressures of parenting alongside him, that I realised what his ex wife must also have gone through, and I now firmly believe this is at the heart of what caused their marriage to fail.

😂

I agree completely. None of us are born with perfect knowledge of other people. Many of us start relationships that we know probably aren't suitable for the long term. Dating someone isn't a promise for anything more. We are at liberty to reject people for whatever reason we want. It's all a very normal part of the human dating experience.

Once again, the extreme black and white thinking and absolutism on this thread is quite worrying. I do wonder where this kind of logic ends though, particularly for women. To be not ableist then it would basically involve a woman accepting an extremely difficult life where they are supporting a disabled partner and child without complaint. Anything other than this is apparently ableist.

This is such an interesting thread.

I think you made a sensible decision in your circumstances OP.

I also see why some people are upset though, as there are a small number of people implying that no autistic person could ever make a good partner or parent. I don't think this is true, as autism varies so widely.

I think it's something you have to consider on a case-by-case basis. In OP's case, her partner had/has some fairly major struggles both as a child and an adult. Add in the fact that OP is already a single parent to an existing child, and that she's had cancer, I think her decision is very sensible. In a different circumstance it might be different.

Agree. Infuriating, isn't it?

Though I will say when I ended my relationship with my autistic ex even his family didn't blame me.

'Don't know how you coped for so long, love' was his sister's comment to me so I'm guessing some of the posters bashing OP here are quite extreme.

So what would be the OPs partners " strength" then for raising a child

What would be a way for OP to prove that she doesn't have a 'gross attitude towards disabled people'? By marrying him and giving him babies

🤣🤣🤣😂😂 don't be ridiculous. Not a single person thinks OP should marry and have a child with this man. You don't have to marry a disabled person to avoid saying loads of really gross things bashing disabled people and children online.

Yes, @Lacksie , and I am glad your darling Dd is hilarious and happy.

Unfortunately my friend’s severely affected child actually appears to be in distress a great deal of the time.

The point for the OP is that with autism being such a strong heritable characteristic she has no idea whether a child might be happy and living their best life, whatever that might be, or living in distress and discomfort and however loved the child is, the family around them in tatters.

My friend loves their Dc with all their heart. Would they have chosen this life for themselves or their child? No.

You speak for yourself.

This thread is not about the politics of disability / discrimination ( a real issue), it is about risk assessing the lived reality of the potential for a severely affected child.

People choose to terminate pregnancies for detectable disabilities (including the one my Dc has). No test for severe autism so if it is important for the OP that she would not parent a severely autistic child then she needs to decide before conception.

What's a really gross thing OP has said that bashes disabled people and children?

I speak for myself. You speak for someone else (your friend apparently?).

I'm not clear why you continue to miss the point of my posts. Op doesn't have to have a child with this man, or any other man- those are entirely her choices.

At the same time , this entire thread has been a collective of people promoting the idea that disabled children and partners are inferior, undesirable and worth less than others, with very little counterbalance showing the other side. It's shockingly ableist and so are many of the things OP has said herself. It's harmful.

Many parents find parenting different or harder than they expected. It's seemingly very taboo to say that if you could choose/ start again you wouldn't have your child/ children .

Except if your child is disabled- then you are supposed to say you regret your child and their existence. Indeed, " Who fucking wouldn't" according to the OP.

That she doesn't want to "inflict" one on her daughter for example?

To inflict means to force, and OP doesn't want to force her daughter to be a carer for a sibling she didn't ask for, in the event something happens to OP.

That's not bashing disabled people, that's being pragmatic.

We'll have to agree to disagree that it's not ableist to say I don't want to "inflict" a disabled child on my daughter.

You don’t want to “blow your child’s life up” by giving her a disabled sibling. Did you “blow her life up” when you divorced?

I think your attitude stinks, OP. So many mothers are raising severely disabled children alongside their NT siblings and not through choice.

Nobody is judging you for not wanting to have a disabled child, but the way you speak about disabled children is hurtful, as though their lives have less value or that having them as a sibling automatically ruins a child’s life. Not true.

I agree.

If he wasn’t autistic no one would see an issue with her not wanting to have children with him but because she doesn’t want to risk the possibility of added/extra responsibilities placed on her and it effecting her child, and the possible child they could have and manage him, she’s ableist?

Utter nonsense.

If she did go on and have a child with him and ended up having the very issues she worried about or worse , she would be asked what was sje thinking? What she was expecting knowing he was xyz? Why would she think he would be different considering what he told you, how he behaved, etc?

In the op’s words

”there are many traits in him that I adore. He's kind, patient, loving, has incredible morals. He has had long term relationships before, both women apparently left because they cheated on him. He has a huge heart and I wouldn't want to write someone off because of a disability.”

At the same time , this entire thread has been a collective of people promoting the idea that disabled children and partners are inferior, undesirable and worth less than others, with very little counterbalance showing the other side. It's shockingly ableist and so are many of the things OP has said herself. It's harmful.

No. People have said its harder.

And your statement that if people find parenting hard they cant say that is rubbish. Its practically the entire reason MN exists.

It is somewhat true that expressing a desire not to have made the choice you made can be easily misread as wishing your children away. But I like to think we are all getting a more nuanced amd compassionate view of statements like that now too.

We'll have to agree to disagree.

And I never said that people don't talk about parenting being hard. Of course they do.

I said it's taboo to say you regret having your children, and you wouldn't choose to have them again.

Except if your child is disabled. Then you are supposed to say you regret having them. Everyone expects you to. It's obvious you would right?. Who fucking wouldn't says OP? You even feel comfortable saying on behalf of your friend that she wouldn't want to have her child! I don't believe you'd feel comfortable saying that for a second if her child wasn't disabled, simply difficult..

that is the attitude that people have towards disabled people and disability - they are more disposable, more regrettable, less worthy, less loved than people without disability and it does matter how you talk about them either . It's all over this thread . And it's absolute bull.

Before you even think about your future child being autistic; I think u need to look at the fact that I think your partner would find it hard to cope with any child; autistic or not. He sounds lovely but it sounds as though u do a lot for him already, so imagine how it would be with dd, a new baby and your partner; and u doing the lion’s share of life admin and childcare. Might be quite overwhelming for your Dp from how youve described him? Kids don’t run to an ordered schedule there’s lots of spontaneity. Plus refer to the endless threads on here about partners not doing their share with their young children

There has been a recent thread where lots of parents have admitted that they wouldn't have had their children if they had their time again. Lots of these children aren't disabled. MN is a safe space where parents can voice their truth.

Nobody is forcing or even encouraging you to say that you regret having your child. Nobody is suggesting that disabled children are less worthy or more regrettable. Your experience is as valid as everyone else's. Your experience though doesn't trump everyone else's though.

You are obsessed with what people not wanting a disabled child says about the child. In reality it doesn't say much. We know that a large number of posters have admitted to regretting having children and often this is linked to how difficult they have found raising children and the impact it has had on their life. Having a disabled child is much more likely to make things difficult and people don't want that. That is ok to acknowledge as very few of us are willingly signing up for a difficult life in any other aspect of our lives. OP's reluctance is around what a disabled child would mean for her and her existing child. This disabled child doesn't exist yet and is just theoretical but OP and her daughter do already exist and there is a very real prospect that a disabled child was adversely impact both of their lives.

You are trying to censor and police this thread. Your contribution could have been one that simply stated that you have enjoyed having a disabled child and that would have helped provide some of the balance you crave. Instead you are tearing into posters that don't agree with you and denying other people's experiences. I have to wonder why? What do you think it will achieve?

Are you a sibling of a disabled person? I can tell you that having a disabled sibling can absolutely blow your life up. This is true when you're young and can be even worse when you're older and your parents die.

No she isn’t there have been some unpleasant and abelist posts which she quite rightly responded to.