AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

Disability does not mean defective, inferior or malfunctioning.

yes but just read the OP and most of this thread. That's exactly what it apparently means to most people.

👍🏻

😂There absolutely was gaslighting. You dismissed my dislike to a post as being due to personality faults I don’t have. The post was abelist and removed . I had every right to be take offence to an abelist post.

And as for - “most of it wasn’t about you”,”one part was” “I wasn’t replying to you I was making a comment about you” is a contradiction in terms.

Nobody who thought the OP and the thread were ableist answered my question, did they? Why is screening for Downs' Syndrome not ableist, but being wary of having an autistic child with an autistic partner ableist?

Again, another post attempting to shut down discussion under the guise of ableism.

A disability is defined in law as a physical or mental impairment that has a substantial and long-term adverse effect on a person's ability to carry out normal day-to-day activities. This is relevant to OP, who is considering having a child with someone with Autism. Parenting involves an enormous amount of additional day-to-day activities and she has made it clear that her partner needs a lot of support managing day-to-day activities already without the addition of a child. Who do you think will have to take responsibility for the activities and tasks that OP's partner can't manage due to their Autism? It isn't wrong or ableist to acknowledge this. It's the most likely reality that awaits OP if she chooses to have this baby.

You only need to spend a short time in this forum to understand how difficult raising children can be. Most of us look for partners that are able to effectively share parenting responsibilities and challenges with us. It is completely normal and I would argue sensible, to evaluate our partner's potential capacity to cope and to do their share. Nobody is perfect but some things are easier to overcome or work with than others. Disability will come into this as it often does create limitations that have to be absorbed or supported by the other partner. None of us have an obligation to ignore these limitations or to choose to have a child with someone with these limitations.

None of this is ableist. OP should be commended for being brave enough to ask the question in such a respectful and compassionate manner. Other posters have been brave to share their experiences so candidly. This shouldn't be taboo and trying to shame people because you don't like the fact that people are acknowledging Autism can be difficult and challenging is totally unhelpful.

Yes. Many, many posters with autistic partners or children posted on this very thread saying they would have done things differently if they had known, though of course they love their children.
Are they all ableist?

Pathetic that on a parenting site, women are silenced when we all know it's women who do the bulk of parenting and men who often desert children.
Also, the OP has had cancer as a single mum. She's entitled to want an easier life now. Who wouldn't?

Yeah if he were not autistic and you'd said all that people would be telling you to run a mile.
Without exception.
When I say it's not about good or bad, I mean in terms of intention to harm.

This guy may not intend to harm but his actions are harmful.

So in a sense his autism here is benefitting him as he's getting a free pass for it.

He’s not getting a free pass. He has positive attributes too and sounds lovely hence the op’s devastation re splitting. We all have negative and positive attributes. It’s about compatibility . There is no bad/good but difference as previous posters put it. Not wanting to socialise or struggle with organising bills( he has a good job) etc isn’t harmful. It needs to and can be managed. Some like my husband are more than happy to sort the finances and socialise less. I do things to support him. The op doesn’t want to do those things so they’re not compatible. He will be to others and will in all likelihood make somebody else very happy. Having autism does not write you off as a person or make you bad, far from it. Autistic people have some amazing qualities.

It would suit almost nobody.
The vast, vast majority of people would not put up with any of this.

And nearly everybody would be telling her to leave.

Anybody who'd put up with this/advocating putting up with this is an outlier.

This is what I was getting at with not everyone being suitable for a traditional romantic relationship with the aim of eventually living together and potentially starting a family. Especially these days when many of us don't live near our parents and we are expected to provide a higher level of supervision for children, we need men that pull their weight equally or our lives will be miserable regardless of other lovely attributes.

It sounds like he could make someone happy as a live apart boyfriend if they had similar preferences but I don't see how he'd go from depending on his own mother so much to being an equal parent to a dependent child.

None of this makes him a bad person but we all have to realistically consider what we can cope with.

They really aren’t. I know many many ND people in many sectors as I have adhd and autism and so do my children. You end up meeting many like yourself. I know many,many ND people like myself young and old in happy compatible relationships with NTs. It can take time to meet the right person but many many people do. As I said ND and NT people all have positive and challenging attributes, it’s about compatibility.

But the op isn’t compatible with her partner so should move on, as he will.

Totally agree with this.

I'm going to be brutally honest and say that there is an element of autism becoming the trendy diagnosis in some social circles.

It's like a middle class badge of honour as it is associated sometimes with high IQ.

Now I am NOT saying this is the case with anybody posting here, but it is a phenomenon nonetheless.

These people do not like to think of themselves as being disabled.

Frankly I fail to see how the inability to read others etc is not disabling in some way.

OP is fundamentally compatible with her partner. That's why she loves him and they have a relationship. She clearly does appreciate many of his positive attributes otherwise this wouldn't be the case.

What's clear is he has lots of traits and challenges that appear to be related to his Autism that would be incompatible with raising a child. I have a relative in the same position and they don't have the emotional or practical capacity to be an adequate parent. They would rely heavily on their partner or on outside services if they were to have children. Autism is a disability and it can be so disabling that it precludes certain activities. This isn't ableist to acknowledge this.

So please stop trying to trivialise OP's concerns as some kind of romantic or relationship incompatibility. She doesn't want to take on the huge responsibility of another child knowing the limitations of her partner and what this would ultimately mean for her. Very few people would be willing to do this despite your protestations and you can see on this thread that those that have can go on to regret it.

Again, it feels like you feel personally attacked by some of these posts when they aren't a reflection of you as a partner or a parent. We know Autism is a very wide spectrum and impacts people very differently. You may not be so disabled by it as OP's partner and be capable of being an effective parent. This isn't true for lots of people with Autism. You aren't them.

Austistic people not being able to read others is a myth as explained further down.

And you aren’t me so don’t tell me what I’m thinking or feeling thanks.

The op is clearly not compatible with him hence me saying repeatedly she should move on.

He will be compatible to somebody else. All relationships involve give and take, love, commitment and compatibility. If any one is missing couples need to part. There will be somebody out there who can and will want to accommodate his challenges and he may well be prepared to take on theirs.

No he's not likely to make anybody else really happy, he really isn't.

Romantic relationships between adults are always transactional. Always.

I admit that if this guy had a skill that earned him a very high salary that a person may tolerate his ways.

In a similar way a NT man who is not very attractive himself will tolerate an autistic woman's quirkiness if she is very physically attractive.

I'm not saying this to be offensive but to be real about how romantic relationships operate.

You absolutely do not know that and it’s an appalling thing to say.

He is more than his autism with positive attributes hence the op finding it hard to break up, he also does have a good job.

To be frank your knowledge re relationships sounds more than a little underwhelming.

What part of it do you find appalling?

That romantic relationships between adults are transactional?

That's reality.

Clearly, his other attributes, whatever they may be, are not enough to make up for his autism.

QED.

No, you can be compatible with someone but also acknowledge that you don't want to be their carer or take on the lion's share of responsibility associated with having a child. It's not about personal or romantic compatibility. Your inability to accept this is alarming.

All relationships are give and take but some are unbalanced. Most people are looking for a broadly equal relationship. Some will be willing to compensate but they will be in a minority and this will come at a great personal cost. People need to make informed decisions.

You are in a very small minority on this thread that doesn't understand how the vast majority of relationships work. Very few women are desperate to have a child with someone that can't live independently or care for themselves. That's because people seek broadly balanced relationships where you do compensate for each others' weaknesses but it's not so one sided.

Have you ever considered that your perspective is skewed by your ND?

No it really is not.

Romantic adult relationships are transactional in nature.

Indisputable fact.

I repeat: he does not have other attributes that compensate for his autism.

this is an exceptionally ableist thread. It's not that we shouldn't be able to discuss things, but the content of the discussion. I've seen virtually no comments whatsoever for example of the joys of raising an autistic child, the ways that it can sometimes actually be easier and more enriching. (As a mother of several neurotypical and one autistic child, I am well aware of these). I've seen nothing about some of the valuable characteristics an autistic partner might be more likely to have- loyalty, honesty for example.
Very ableist thread that promotes the idea that disabled people are fundamentally less desirable, inferior and more difficult.

This isn’t a corporate recruitment process whereby all applicants need to be considered.

This is dating. Women don’t have to follow HR protocol. We can choose to dump a man because we don’t like his teeth. End of discussion, no tribunal.

But that is not the experience of many posters with autistic children or partners here. You can't very well tell them what to post. You may find it easier. They don't! Which only confirms that there is a wide spectrum. Nothing ableist about that.

You are free to post about the joys of having autistic children and partners- of course- and the OP is free to decide it's too risky because her future child may not look like yours. Women can dump men for any reason whatsoever, and vice versa too. Dating is not equal opportunity.