AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

I agree with this, another PP said autistic fathers are often great but I also think from my experience that - depending on how they are affected - it can go the other way. A family member of mine is autistic and wants to be a father - it's unlikely anyway due to his age and being single but it's clear to his loved ones that he would absolutely never be able to cope with the chaos, noise and mess (especially if the child has additional needs but either way) and it would be a complete disaster for everyone involved.

Not all of us find it offensive to be told autism is a disability.

Disability isn't a dirty word.

Part of the criteria of autism is that it has to disable you in some substantial way. If you've received a diagnosis it is because the clinicians have picked up on a way that it is disabling to you, whether or not you feel the impact of that or consider it a disability yourself.

To say autism isn't a disability is actually quite an ableist thing to say. Whether you personally feel disabled by your autism is completely unique to you but you don't get to eliminate the protections afforded to autistic people through disability rights or claim it isn't a disability at all, or be offended on behalf of other autistic people. Regardless of whether our understanding of autism has expanded and you feel more people fall under the umbrella of autism a core diagnostic feature is still that it must be substantially disabling.

that person he 'will' meet and will be more suitable will need to do all the domestic housework, stick to incredibly rigid routines, cook multiple different meals due to food aversion. Will have to put up with crash outs and probably manage his finances as does not do this. Go to important events like family weddings alone, will have to put up with hours a day doom scrolling and also DP sat watching YouTube when out for family means. Or she will have to attend alone. I do genuinely want him to find happiness and I really hope he does. But my eyes have been pretty opened by this thread. As well as not wanting to risk having an autistic child, I also feel like I'm already parenting an extra child at times.

I love him so deeply, there are so many incredible traits about him. I'm his first ever serious relationship. He's struggled massively in the past and I know it only just going to add to that. But I don't think many women would willingly be okay with putting up with all of that, as well as adding a possibly autistic child into the mix. I don't think it would be fair on the woman at all, and now, I don't think it was care on me to take all of this on too. Obviously some of these only came to light recently as time went on.

Good for you! I hope you and your daughter have a nice life.

She's planning to dump him because she doesn't want to risk having his autistic child, hardly rude.

There are so many assumptions being made to my original comment. My DH is on the spectrum. I know all about being married to a person with austism. He is a great husband and father.

It might not suit you but would for others particularly somebody more suited who loves him and his ways. Nobody is perfect, you will have ways many might find incompatible. I hate social things and my husband loves that as he does too so we are choosy as to what we attend. He does all the finances and prefers to as he is super organised that way and I find them overwhelming. We’ve been together 36 years. As a NT person he has many personality traits I put up with as he does mine.It works for us.

Nobody is arguing that, least of all @MeVengo

So why are you defending something that no one is attacking?

Not defending anything, I’m replying. You know as one does on a thread .

OP, you sound lovely and I'm so sorry you have a tricky emotional road ahead. I really support everything you're saying. Initially, I supported the valid fears for what a new child with a high risk of various challenges could bring and how it would impact you and your DD. Now I completely hear you regarding your realisation that actually the relationship itself is already challenging and creates a dynamic where you feel like a parent to your partner at times.

I'm sorry many people here seem unable to see the nuance of what you're saying / seem to take misplaced offence to what you're saying. Lots of opportunity for self reflection for many here.

Go well x

You have been very very defensive towards people saying "Cool but thats not for me" as if they are attacking your life choices. Except that no one has.

I very much doubt anyone thinks that your life choices are wrong, in and of themselves in relation to you. Clearly they are not. But you seem to be very prickly when people say that they wouldnt do the same.

I think it’s a valid concern, I say that as an ND person with 2 autistic DC. There are definitely a lot of challenges, and it’s exhausting. Mine are 22 and 16 now. 22 year old is crippled with social anxiety and unable to work, I’m currently paying for very expensive private therapy to try and help her with this. My 16 year old has just started college and is really struggling with the transition and making friends, and has also just split up with her first boyfriend due to not really understanding social norms and how to manage relationships, and is heartbroken. Both of mine had a very difficult and patchy educational experience. It’s not just the early years you need to think about.

100%. It's so tough on these kids and on their parents too, especially most often the Mum as we just do everything for them.

Don't be a rescuer. OP, maybe look at the drama triangle online. You might see yourself on there.

Anyway, good luck. You can stay friends with him can't you? He can still be part of your life -but just not a dad/partner.

As is her right. There seems to be a lot more factors than that though. Many people find it difficult to have to parent grown men and seems like is currently doing that.

It is her right.

YANBU. You are entitled to feel like this, entitled to boundaries and you need to protect your life and calm home for you and your DD.

I wouldn’t have a child with this man, I’m sorry.

Don’t ttc, there is a huge chance his child will have autism. It could be mild and the child manages well in mainstream but it could also go to the other end of the spectrum and be a situation where you are a full time carer for your child and the world revolves around their needs in a completely different way to your daughters needs.

Not saying it’s not possible to care for both as it is- but it’s very difficult and will turn your dds life around.

I think you need to end the relationship because this is something dp could hold against you forever- particularly if you remained together long term when it is too late to have a dc he could blame you for taking away his chance.

Your partner is only thinking of his desire for a child. He isn't thinking of the possible effect on your DD, or your relationship, or indeed of the child him/herself.

Why would he want to risk bringing a potentially severely disabled child into the world? One whose childhood could very well involve the disruption of needing respite care with strangers, on a regular basis, who struggles to sleep and has all the MH issues associated with autism.

I regularly see the effects of having a child with autism on families. Very often the parents' relationship has broken down and, guess what, it's the mother who is left caring for the child.
Put your DD first, as you have suggested.

You subscribe to the definition of disability that is predicated on the idea that if a person doesn’t conform to the average, then the only option may be to label them disabled. I instead subscribe to the idea that for many people with an autism diagnosis, the condition is only a problem when they rub up against rigid societal structures.

The problem isn’t the person. The problem is a world that expects everyone to conform to a neurotypical way of thinking. There is no reason to believe that neurotypical brains function better than autistic brains. Disability implies the autistic brain is malfunctioning when for many they simply function differently.

Having just spent the last hour and a half consoling a child in a very destructive meltdown, with 'D' H in hiding pretending nothing is happening, you are making the right call OP. Good luck. Don't look back. I was DH's first longterm relationship too. I want to go back and shake younger me. Shake some fucking sense into her.

There's no gaslighting in my post. I've shared my opinion to the OP, most of it wasn't about you. One part was. I don't care if you disagree, I wasn't replying to you, I was making a comment about you, in order to answer OPs perfectly reasonable question, since I didn't think she wasn't going to get any kind of sense out of you just more outrage, and because she's interested in learning about ND and it's impacts on people.

You are not being unreasonable… Generally, there is alternative if you are both open and that is IVF with a donor. Although, obv not everyone wants to go down this route.

You're actually describing the social model of disability. Disability does not mean defective, inferior or malfunctioning. A person can be disabled because the interaction between their impairment and their environment creates barriers.
Nor does recognising autism as a disability mean believing neurotypical brains are “better” than autistic brains. That's a value judgement you've attached to the word disability, not something inherent in its meaning.

You're completely entitled not to identify personally as disabled. My objection is to extrapolating that identity to autism generally, particularly when many autistic people have impairments that remain disabling even in supportive environments. Saying disability means “malfunctioning” is precisely why I objected to the framing in the first place: disability isn't a synonym for defective. I'll say it again: disability isn't a dirty word.

You are, inarguably, NOT being unreasonable. You should end the relationship though, it's a pretty big incompatibility.

Sounds like the lives of a lot of women sadly.