AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

Because of rejection sensitivity most likely. It can be part of the ND conditions. Taking everything personally as if it's an attack when no such attack has occurred. I've no idea if she has that but her reaction on this thread is speaking volumes IMO.

One of the many reasons for some ND people having no/few friends and unsuccessful relationships in general (no Skylark, I'm not talking about you!)

Anyone who says ND is not a disability is talking bullshit. How are reactions like this that often interfere with people's ability to successfully get along with others, not disabling? It's one thing if it's an occasional disagreement on an internet forum, but for some people the fabric of their lives is threaded throughout with this way of thinking. Always overreacting, feeling slighted and on the defensive "counter attacking" (except it isn't because they weren't being attacked in the first place) and feeling that others are down on them, which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy due to their own behaviour.

Well they have and the post was deleted for being abelist.

Wow how dare you gaslight me. I’m none of those things. I had just cause to take offence at that post. It was ableist and deleted because it was.

Unfortunately some people on here.have actually said that. The posts got deleted.

I think the poster you are responding to has offered some very thoughtful input and gone to great lengths to specify that they aren't suggesting that the things she writes are definitely relevant to you. The fact that you have instantly applied them all to you does speak volumes.

Interestingly I think your posts on this thread highlight the complexity of dealing with ND and perhaps exemplify some of the challenges that have been expressed by others. You feel gas lit and seem offended by a lot of what people write. There doesn't seem much room for discussion and your definition of ableism extends into anyone expressing what you view to be negativity towards autism. This is clearly incompatible with people having honest and open discussion about something that has 'blown up ' lives and had a huge impact of real individuals that are living this everyday. I don't think this is something you either comprehend or want to acknowledge. Instead you want all discussion to end and have literally asked OP to stop posting on this thread.

I think you've made the right decision.
As I've said previously here, obviously most parents of autistic children will love them unconditionally this does not mean anybody else will.
This guy would likely be a pain in the ass to live with.
No this does not make him a bad person but honest to goodness it would drain the life out of you.

Having to explain the most basic things about how you feel. The lack of ability to put themselves in your shoes.

I've been there. Had to get out for my own sanity.

If they cannot see if you're happy, sad or troubled just by looking at you (OK they may not know why but they should be able to see how you feel) what the f* is the point of being with them?

There's no point replying as it seems discussion about it isn't welcome on Mumsnet but no of course I wasn't criticising you, I don't even know you.

It is. Yet there are people who will stomp their feet and insist that you can’t have an autism diagnosis without having a disability because a book says that is the definition of autism.

Once the autism spectrum expanded, calling it a disability became extremely problematic. People like me might have issues navigating a neurotypical world, but I am not disabled by my autism. It gives me more advantages than disadvantages.

If they split the spectrum again, perhaps society can use the term disability again. That will be up to the people who retain the label. I have no doubt those of us previously identified as Asperger’s will get yet another label.

Until that happens, I will object every single time someone tries to call me or my child disabled.

Is it just this man or all people with ASD? Some of us have successful marriages. We are raising successful children.

ASD does not make someone a bad partner.

There was zero point in that poster addressing that post at me if she wasn’t insinuating her hypotheses were relevant to me and you’re still
doing it now. Honest discussion does not justify abelism. The post was deleted because it was abelist and the bar is high for deletions on MN. Ask any ND mother on here. As such I had every justification to report and absolutely the right the call out the blatant gas lighting which you’re still doing by inferring I can’t comprehend what I read on here. I can loud and clear so don’t patronise me thanks.

How do all the people who think OP is ableist feel about screening for Downs Syndrome?

l know autism is not the same as DS, but I have both DS and autistic young adults in my extended family. The DS adult is non-violent, working in a cafe, and verbal.The autistic child- now an adult- isn't.
Posters appear to think every autistic child is like their own. But they range, as pp said.

Being unable to 'read' other people's body language is a classic autistic trait.

I fail to see how this is a positive trait in a relationship. I really, really don't.

I'm not addressing how it affects other areas of life, maybe it is a 'superpower' or advantageous in other areas of life.

I would be interested to know this too. Especially given that circa 90% of women take the screening test, and of those who ,after further tests, receive a positive diagnosis circa 90% of them will terminate the pregnancy.

Absolutely not necessarily, some of us can be hyper skilled at it. Also communication differences go both ways. The double empathy problem highlights that non-autistic people also frequently misread or misunderstand the natural body language and flat facial expressions of autistic individuals.

Agree with this! Only non ND people I've known with NT have had trauma related experiences in their past which have meant they have some symptoms similar to ND

I’m autistic (although later diagnosis) I had 2 dd both NT Got divorced and remarried and had another dc with dh 3rd dc is autistic. Love the bones off him but our lives are so much harder, our earning are restricted and we will likely be caring for DS for the rest of our lives and then the responsibility will go to our DDs (be it they care or supported housing. )
I say don’t risk it. Parents off disabled children are not supposed to complain or wish anything was different but the reality is it’s bloody hard.

Most autistic people choose to marry other people with autism or other forms of ND. We don’t have problems communicating because we share communication styles.

The ND person is not inherently the problem. Both parties are equally responsible for communicating clearly. A NT partner is equally responsible for communicating in a way that a ND finds comfortable and effective. The ND partner equally needs to attempt to find a middle ground.

Framing the ND person as flawed is problematic. NT communication is not inherently superior.

Is there a gender difference here?

Maybe autism expresses itself differently in women?

I'm a bit perplexed as being unable to see how others feel is indeed a classic trait of autism.

No the idea that autistic people cannot see how others feel is an oversimplified myth; rather, they process and express empathy differently, often hindered by a mutual communication gap known as the double empathy problem.

The bigger picture is that nobody has to drastically change their communication styles to be in a relationship.

The solution is that people find people find those who they can communicate effectively with.

It's not about being superior or inferior, either. Or being good or bad.

The OP has done the right thing and saved a lot of frustration all around-for both of them.

Exactly this. And I wonder if there was a screening for autism, just how many screens would be done? Thousands upon thousands I'd imagine. And I hope one day there is a screen for it.

Again the bigger picture is that the NT is very frustrated by this.
It's really not about good or bad, or better or worse, just incompatibility.

Just cutting the Gordion knot is the best solution.

I completely agree. This relationship was doomed to fail. From reading her posts here, she would also not likely be a good parent to any child they produced.

They will both be happier and have healthier relationships with other people.

We have moved to discussing broader issues, but her real life absolutely should involve selecting a well matched partner.

Thanks. You have given me words to describe what I am experiencing with my family member. I mean the "rigidity, self absorption, defensiveness and lack of emotional intelligence".

Not always possible. Op can do as she likes, her partner will find somebody more suitable, he’ll probably be happier and vice versa however in social groups and the work place that isn’t always possible .As you say there is no good/ bad which needs to be remembered in such situations .