AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

That’s great for you but not all children on the spectrum are the same.

I love my child but I would not say that he has a superpower. He is physically violent with me on a regular basis and he is only 7. I am terrified for the teenage years.

A bit rude of you to insinuate the op doesn’t value her partner. A possible child they have may not be the same as him.
My ex was never physically violent with me yet our son is.

She is getting other people opinions.

100%

just dreadful when the tropes come out that every autistic person is a possible savant. Literally rolling my eyes here..

I'm not judging anyone. I realise it isn't easy to "just leave" and I've already stated that. But there always comes a breaking point, and when that point is reached, thats when people start making plans.

It sound to me that the woman you described was/is experiencing financial abuse. Hiding debts is a common sign of this. What I would say to her is to reach out to some domestic abuse organisations (safely of course) as this would be covered in their definitions (the law changed in 2015 to include non physical forms of DV/DA). UC apparently have something in place to accommodate people going through this. These organisations have a duty to help and support with housing.

Yes it's difficult and no I wouldn't expect anyone to just "up and leave" without things in place to do so, that would be unrealistic. But its worth reaching out to these services, they certainly helped me when I was going through something similar. Its taking that initial step that's the hardest bit.

You can choose who to have a child with. You don’t owe anyone a child for any reason. The only reasons that matter are your own. No one should have a child with someone they don’t want to just because it will offend him if you don’t have one.

I'm sorry to hear you were denied PIP while you had cancer, that is an absolute disgrace. I dont know what point in remission you are at present, but the vast majority of (genuine) PIP claims are denied at first, and usually it's them granted when an independent tribunal looks at the decision. You could possibly challenge this and claim backdated, but that depends whether you feel up to it at the moment.

While I disagree with some of the things said about autism on this post, I think you're right in your decision not to have any more children at the present time.

Autism has a strong genetic link.

Some autistic kids are very difficult to raise. You don't know which sort you will get. You've got a kid already, you need to prioritise her. Living with an autistic sibling can be hell. Being autistic can be awful as well.

If you didn't have a child already, it might be more doable.

(Autistic parent of autistic kids)

This isn't an autism bashing thread. I am absolutely sick of posters trying to shut down discussion because they find it upsetting or controversial. Autism is a disability. You will see on this thread many personal recollections of the impact that having an autistic partner or child has had on people's lives. They have every right to share their stories and to try and characterise this as autism bashing is utterly disgusting. Through bravely sharing experiences it enables people like OP to make an informed decision about family planning.

Autism isn't an easy thing to deal with and can be unbelievably hard. Acknowledging this isn't bashing anyone. It is merely airing a truth that deserves to be heard.

This isn't an autism bashing thread 🙄

I also thought this a question about OP capacity to cope with a possible ND child with her current partner - finding out she was a lone parent with cancer just makes it even easier to understand her reservations.

My family have insist I wouldn't have coped if I'd had a child like nephew - being currently failied and shoved out of primary school system.

Thing is we think we had a worse affected child - with digestive and serious sleep issues and more obvious social issues none of which newphew has plus the explosive outbreaks sensory senstivity and general acadmic struggles nephew has. I also had two more children with milder issues . At time if I mentioned any of it to family - I just got told how wonderful the older cousin was.

I think the difference is I'm not a lone parent so had back up with schools and could stay home and cater before and after school environment and put in a huge amount home support and had some luck. The cracks have shown more at uni for that child - but again there is support around.

I never wanted to be a lone parent - (not that always a choice but did look for an enthusiastic competent with similar parenting outlook to me as other parent )-or an older parent - and if we'd had a profoundly disabled chiled with first or second we'd have stopped there and not had more becuase they'd have needed more support reducing our capcity to cope with another child.

Looking at increased risks and deciding if worse outcome happens or most likely and deciding don't have capacity to deal with that - make sense to say no and not risk it.

I have 4 children.
The oldest will be 21 next year and is autistic (I strongly suspect our 6 year old is too but not as yet diagnosed unlike her big sister)

I'll sound like a biased mum but am genuinely not being: am very capable of identifying when any of my children are being utter arseholes but she is hands down the best person I have ever met. She is kind, hard working, intelligent, insightful, honest. She is just utterly lovely. Her siblings absolutely adore her.

Based on my experience having an autistic child: it did not sway me from having 3 more..

Completely agree with every single word you've written. ❤️

Please tell him asap. It’s really cruel not to. It sounds like he thinks you’re both interested in having a baby together.

Please be clear so he doesn’t try to hold on whilst you take your time to become certain.
He deserves to be in a relationship with someone who loves all aspects of him.

I hope you both find the people who deserve you and who you deserve.

Read my posts, I've decided to end the relationship. For a few reasons x

You posted on AIBU so should very much expect starting a thread in said section when you’re not actually asking the question to be questioned. Don’t like it don’t start in this section.

You don’t want other perspectives and shut down anybody with a different perspective,who cares? It’s all a bit pointless.

Im not offended, why would I be? I’m sure he will get over his “heartbreak”. He deserves better and sounds as if he will make somebody else very happy.

We could say the same for knowingly having higher odds of a neurotypical child.

this is autism bashing. Some of us are quite happy with who we are and the children we have.

Are you criticising me for having children? So disabled people shouldn’t have children?

Completely understand your decision OP. I have a friend who is going through a very similar decision over her AuDHD partner. They are older than you (40 and 45) which has the triple whammy of raising the risk further, making the timeline very compressed, and meaning there may not be further options in the future. It's really heartbreaking as she cares for him deeply, but moving in with him made her realise just how difficult it would be to parent with him, and why he keeps having relationships that stop at this stage. At least making the decision you have now gives you both chance to find other people in the future.

We work in an area that has quite a high proportion of ND colleagues and have many lovely ND colleagues/friends who live very happy and successful lives. But it's become very noticeable that quite a few of these friends go on to have children who are much more seriously affected than their parents. I know 4 seperate families whose children are unable to attend any school as they couldn't cope in mainstream and there is no suitable option being offered to them. The families are having to home school, often with tutors, and it has a huge impact on their lives. Two of these children are teenagers and are aggressive to their parents and becoming out of control. Again there's a huge impact on the siblings and one family have sent the sibling away to live with relatives to do her GCSEs as she couldn't cope at home. I know other families who've managed to keep the children in school but only with a lot of intervention and support. I know these parents all love their children dearly but the care they need has to become the focus of the parents' lives and make ordinary things like going on holiday almost impossible. It's these situations that my friend is really worried about, and I think that's completely reasonable, even more so as your existing child is rightly your priority.

I think you are making the right decision for your circumstances. I have children on the spectrum and my husband too. My children are very high functioning. It took a lot of blood sweat and tears and meltdowns to raise them. Frankly, if they weren't my children I would have walked out. I am sure my husband felt similarly. And these were children who were high functioning - one of them is a doctor - so in many ways we were extremely lucky. Strangely, they were excellent sleepers so sleepless nights aren't a given.

Isn’t it just. Just shocking. Whats the point of MN having a disabled parents corner if the spiel coming from them is we shouldn’t be parents in the first place.

I thought it was offensive to call autistic people disabled?

Absolutely no one has said you shouldn't be parents in the first place. Why are you constantly putting words in peoples mouths that they have not said? I have said I don't want aspects of parents lives with disabled children. There's nothing wrong with that. You shouldn't be offended by that and if you are you are free to leave the thread.

Thank you, this is incredibly insightful

PIP isn't a sickness benefit, it's a disability benefit. If you're too unwell to work, it's UC that you get. If you can work full time (with time off sick as necessary) but have health conditions that aren't disabling, there's nothing for you - unless your earnings are so low that UC tops you up.