AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

OP is entitled to muse and discuss complex feelings. That's what MN is for.
I very much doubt this man will find it easy to find someone else to have kids with. Most women will quite sensibly not want to have kids with a man who can't manage his own life, let alone his child's.

Not really. I’m currently following a thread where the OP has found out that her partner has been hiding £25k of debt and lying about what he is up to. She’s been in touch with UC, and can’t get what she needs to continue to live in her area. “Just leave” doesn’t work for everyone—people weigh up housing, schools, 50/50 with a bad father, etc. I will not stand in judgement of a woman who has to make this difficult decision.

Does he WANT kids? Has he articulated this?

If so, break up with him immediately. You can each go and find partners who are right for you.

Ironically your post shows a complete lack of empathy towards the poster you have quoted who is recounting their own lived experience....

Actually I beg to differ. I left my previous marriage. I earn okay-ish. Nothing ground breaking. No help available for me whatsoever as I was over the threshold. I'm not entitled to anything aside from child benefit. It's tight but I get by. Help for lone parents is more accessible if you either don't work, or earn very little. There's not much of a middle ground for people like me. I was even declined PIP when I was diagnosed with cancer and had 2 years of vigorous treatment because I could dress and feed myself.

So the help isn't there as much as you think it is. From what I've read, the help and support for families with disabled children is even more precarious. When it absolutely shouldn't be. I've spent a lot of time over the last days reading threads and researching before making my decision.

Op how much do YOU want another child? You say you want one more but clearly not with him, so would you be happy with him and not having another one, or do you want to find someone else to have one more with?

No thanks, I'll continue posting as it's good for me to hear differing perspectives. Get off the thread if you're so offended that I don't want to risk having aspects of your life. It's really not that deep.

PS, I'm not just finishing with someone over text or phone. I will be having a face to face conversation with my partner as we will both be heartbroken about what's to come. Not that I should explain myself to you.

You have had cancer too? And as a single mum. Shocking you were denied PIP.

Please make your life easier now, and ignore anyone who wants you to make it harder.
I have adult NT children, and even then life is hard for them in this economy.

I understand where they're coming from as they're parents who have unconditional love for their children and don't like to think of their children being alone as adults.
The thing is, though, they can't expect anybody else to love them unconditionally.

It pisses me off when women are expected to set themselves on fire to keep others warm.

The truth is that autistic partners make their NT partners lives very difficult.

The only time it may work is if you live apart and don't have children with them.

You should only have a child when and with whom you want, of course.

Autism takes many forms and can be massively affected by environment and other factors. I am autistic, and grew up in an age when few people had even heard of autism. Parental relationship was not good. However, I have a ds who I have raised perfectly harmoniously, by myself. Ds is happy, well educated, well balanced, and has just moved to halls of residence to study engineering. No issues.

If you don't want a child with your partner, you need to say so. Be honest about that fact so he can find someone else to share his life and have a family.

What would you call those autistic children who are violent and then grow into violent autistic adults? The ones who have such severe autism they cannot study, work or be taken out safely? They do exist.
Exciting?

For the time being I would just like to concentrate on my DD. I'm not 100% either way now, and I'm not remotely thinking of a relationship with someone else. I guess you never know what the future holds though!

This thread is a really hard read tbh, for lots of reasons, but mostly because I've spent this morning effectively wishing my daughter's autism away, to the point where i wished we'd stopped at one, as was our initial plan. This admission breaks my heart, because I love her so much and certainly don't now wish her gone. We're having a particularly bad day, but I often grieve for the life I could have had, if we'd stopped at one. So I totally understand your feelings op.

That said, I would hate for someone to end a relationship with my daughter because she's autistic. At 9, she's already endured being referred to as 'a red flag' by one child her own age, and a 'spastic' by a teenager she thought was kind.

She's a kind, caring, thoughtful and intelligent little girl who would love children of her own one day. But I admit that this would mean my worry would never end, given how hard parenting her has been - and she's not even 'profoundly' autistic (for want of a better explanation).

Essentially, I can see all sides of this debate at once and it's incredibly uncomfortable to face these truths. Op, you have decided that the right thing to do for you is to call it a day. I understand why you have reached that conclusion.

Are you this rude to strangers in real life?😂

That's nice for you. Do you say the same when hundreds and hundreds of posters call their own autistic children disabled? There's a very thread running about an autistic boy not being invited to the party. Countless posters on there saying 'a disabled boy is being left out?' Or is it just with views that down align with yours. I imagine it's the latter, and if so, your imagination is pretty stunted yourself.

OP is absolutely entitled to post here and get support, without you ordering her around.

Dating and having children is not an equal opportunities game, no one is owed a partner or baby because they're autistic or anything else.

The National Autistic Society refers to autism as a disability.
Have a word with them if you hate that word.

The reality is that there are plenty of people who aren't bad people but aren't capable of being a partner in a traditional romantic relationship or able to cope as a properly involved parent for a variety of reasons. It does no good to pretend that this isn't the case.

That's not to say that there isn't the potential for other mutually beneficial relationships though.

I get this. I have a good friend who worries about this for her DD. And she worries her DD is vulnerable and what that means. And that if her DD wants children, can she be the mum she needs to be.

My worry for my DS is slightly different - he's genuinely the best kid, hard working, empathetic etc etc. But he has all the classic ADHD traits - poor executive function, emotional disregulation (albeit well managed) and can be extraordinarily dogmatic. On the one hand, I tell myself that some of this is like DH too and he and I have worked through this and becuase he has all those positive traits, he's done his best to mitigate or manage the negative ones. But I'm not stupid. I'm also aware that die-hard feminist, main breadwinner that I am etc etc, I'm nonetheless a woman in middle age who has been socialised to help and support my man and to take on the vast bulk of this stuff if he can't/won't.

But, I hope, the women my DS will be likely to be in a relationship are less likely to have been conditioned to take this on. And if that's the case, if I don't find a way to help him see and manage these things befoore he gets to the relationship stage, things could go very wrong. And I'm doing my best, but I'm also consious that this is genuinely hard for him and that he is doing his best. But it might not be good enough. And if that's the case, he's either not going to be in a relationship or it's not goign to be happy.

And I say that with full awareness that my son's ND is relatively "mild" compared to many.

This 100%.

You will love your child fiercely and will overcome anything they throw at you but resentment will quickly sweep in towards your other half if he is not coping and making yours and your child’s life more difficult.

Lacking empathy and emotional intelligence has nothing to do with autism. That's called being narcissistic. And I agree, someone like that should not be a parent.

I can't believe you had cancer and were denied PIP. That's absolutely fucking disgraceful.

I think you're being silly to be honest.

DS was diagnosed with autism at 3, I was diagnosed at 28. Our presentations are completely different.

He has a significant speech delay, but do you want to know what one of his first spontaneous sentences were. "I haven't got any friends".

I can't change the world for him, try as I might.

He hasn't got friends because that is what autism does. It gives you deficits in social interaction in many different ways. Who in their right mind would want that for their child? I'm proud of my child and all that he has achieved in the face of adversity, but I wish he didn't have to overcome it. I also wouldn't want any autistic child to suffer the comorbid acquired or genetic conditions of repeatedly not getting your needs met or linked genetic factors and frankly downright institutional neglect from health and social care systems, but it happens. It has happened to me. It never ends up being "just autism". It's cPTSD, it's POTS, it's depression, it's anxiety, and so on.

No I don't think anyone who is contemplating the chances of a genetic and heritage condition for their future children and overall family life is unreasonable. There are things you don't know for certain will happen snd then there are known risks which should be considered for everyone's benefit and this is just the latter.

And I’ll third that speaking from experience. Parenting with my ND exDH did break me completely.

OP, if you’ve had cancer for the love of god, look after yourself for the sake of your existing child.

Stress can absolutely cause immune issues. I’m so glad you asked this question and it’s one society should ask more and we need honest conversations about it.

My 20y old AUDHD DD has said she’d love children but that she wouldn’t want any child of hers to go through what she’s been through. So she’s undecided herself. She had experienced the endless struggle herself.

i hope with CRISPR, we can take the best of autism and snip out the bits of genes that cause such rigidity and lack of social skills. That is what I hope for. It would make life so much easier. I would have snipped them out for my daughter. Kept her the same but just allowed her to make friends. That would have changed our lives beyond measure. We are social animals. Life is not set up for autism.