AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

Of course yanbu.
Obviously if a child is born that turns out to be autistic its parents will usually love the child unconditionally but nobody would choose this.

If you are not living together, you have no idea how tough living with an autistic person can be. No idea.

The lack of being able to understand others may feel in a given situation is demoralising.
It's not about lack of kindness, they just don't see it.
Honestly, I'd rather live with somebody who was not as kind (not horrible just not as kind) but would be able to realise that if I had the flu I wouldn't want to be going out all day. Yes, really.

I am telling you that the lack of ability to put themselves in your shoes is soul-destroying.

I would not move in with him let alone have a child.

Best to break it off now.

Yes, what kind of parent is he? I have heard some less than flattering accounts of him as a father.

What a strange take on the situation.
Just because somebody is highly intelligent doesn't mean they'll be a good husband.

As a parent you cannot be expected to see this and it's understandable that you don't like to think of them being alone, but, in the main, they (autistic people) are massively hard work to have as a partner.

They cannot read subtle facial expressions.
Have to be told in explicit detail how others are feeling.
These things do not make for a harmonious, peaceful marriage.

The OP is not living with him yet. Quirky becomes draining pretty damned quickly when cohabiting. Utterly draining, too.

You’ve made the right decision OP. Increasing the risk of having a ND child doesn’t make any sense. Especially when you as the woman will most likely be left with sole responsibility if you two broke up in the future.

I think you know your thoughts OP. Trust them.

I (post divorce) have an autistic/adhd partner at about the same relationship stage as you. I am mid 40s. I pine to have a child with him, I would absolutely love more little hims around the place and to see him as a dad. I won’t, because I’m too old and have my teens to consider. But what I’m saying is I have a strong feeling about it, and if you don’t have that or have the opposite, then you should go.

As an autistic parent of two autistic children, daughter of an autistic father and sibling to ND adults, I think that the OP is not being unreasonable at all.

I would not change my kids at all, I love them to pieces but it would be disingenuous of me to say it's been easy. The early years were hard, my son never slept (still doesn't at 16) and my daughter was the same when younger. I found the lack of sleep horrendous and although they are more independent now, I still haven't regained the ability to sleep properly.

Both my kids are 'exceptional' like an earlier poster's, my son has an extremely high IQ and is aiming for Oxbridge and my daughter, who has further disabilities is the most incredible artist. They have both had periods of extreme anxiety, struggle socially and need their environments to be controlled and peaceful. I am proud of them as people and how they have negotiated challenges so far but I am not proud of their autism as an early poster said. I don't think autism is a superpower, in fact I find that statement one of the most ableist on this thread.

I am lucky that I understand my children and am intuitive to their needs as I have similar, however, I completely sacrificed myself to be the best parent I could be. My NT husband struggled more to understand the children, even though his family is full of ND. He adores them and now they are older has a much better relationship with them but the early years were tough.

As a daughter of an autistic man who needed to tightly control his environment and who could be temperamental and impatient with us children, I can say thank god my mother was the most loving woman and mother she could be. She too sacrificed herself to keep the family steady. I loved my dad and miss him terribly but he wasn't easy to live with and some of my siblings hold resentment for that. One has even stated that they resent our mother for not leaving him, for herself and for us.

The OP is completely within her rights to choose to mitigate the risks of having a child with disabilities. I will say however, that every pregnancy carries risks of disablement, some genetic conditions you may not know you are a carrier for. Some of my daughter's disabilities were a shock to us, all genetic and explained by testing.

If I were to put a few of my autistic ex's qualities on paper: tall, blond, well built, rugby player, highly intelligent I dare say he'd sound great potential as a partner to some.
Unfortunately, the autism would negate it all.
I'd rather be with a man who is not so bright, shorter etc who was not autistic.

The bottom line is that in a long-term relationship we need somebody who can get the general gist of how we feel by a quick glance at our expression and demeanour.

I had 2 DC with autistic Dad and they both have autism. I have ADHD (not diagnosed until mid life) and so does one DC.

We are a 3 now, they don't see their Dad through choice. I have had to curtail my career and other changes. I've had little to no support from overstretched undertrained education system. I am happy with and proud of my DC but it's been arduous. Really, very challenging.

I think/hope that in the future there will be so much more understanding of autism and society won't be so desperate to fit individuals into standard systems and roles, so that everyone can thrive. But that's not the case currently.

Your recent posts demonstrate you might be feeling annoyed or defensive and certainly some of the replies you're getting are overly critical, in my view.

OP this is your risk assessment and your decision. You won't be able to contest or convince critical pps and I think trying to "prove" you're not a horrible person is unnecessary.

The replies must have given you some confidence in your decision, you don't have to keep explaining.

Your partner will hopefully go on to find a relationship that suits better. Such is life.

I just think you sound like a brilliant mum and a switched on person. You're questioning a desire you have (another child) but examining it under the lens of what it might mean for your daughter and you're being thoughtful and considerate about brining another life into the world.
Nothing about that is unreasonable.

Good luck OP

Thank you. Despite being slammed for being ableist I really appreciate this.

for posters asking if I would consider a sperm donor with him, my eyes have been opened quite a bit on this thread. Because he struggles in many aspects of day to day life I don't think adding any children to the mix would be sensible. It's a good point to think about, but due to his mood changes and rigid routines I don't think any child would be suitable for us. I can't speak for him, it's just not something I'm prepared to do sadly.

89% of posters have agreed with you, OP, so you can ignore the ones who think you are ableist, and the ones who think autism is a superpower.

I would also recommend the long running ASD partner threads on the relationship board. They are very honest. I can't even read them anymore because I spend a lot of time regretting the choice I made of partner. His rigidity, self absorption, defensiveness and lack of emotional intelligence are increasing with age, not getting better. If I had a time machine I would make a different choice I regret to say - and most of us are trapped by having children. Celebrate your decision and get out while you can.

You already have a daughter. Your involved with a man who has autism. As you gotten to know him and spent more time with him you can see how his autism effects him. Along with this your aware that he is getting help and support at home and he could need this from you if he moves in.

Then you have a higher chance of having a child with autism if you get pregnant. He might not cope with the noise, mess, lack of routine with a nt child but a high needs child with autism can be far harder.

In your situation I would not move in with him or have a child with him. I think that the possibility of having child with high needs autism with him will be high. This will effect your and your daughter long term.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Stories like this definitely make me feel like I've made the right decision for me and DD. It must be so tough for you and my heart goes out to you x

You're not "trapped by having children". If the relationship isn't working for whatever reason, you're not actually helping any children involved by staying there. Its best to split up and make arrangements to co-parent, for everyone's peace and long term wellbeing.

Are you new to MN? The boards are full of women who don’t feel able to leave due to finances and children. It’s in the sexless marriage threads, the infidelity threads, the money threads, etc.

These women are often concerned about what will happen if their children are not with them 50% of the time, if that means they are with a parent who cannot cope with them. Men who have no interest in parenting will often still insist on 50:50 to avoid paying maintenance (and/or to support their self image as a great parent) and then just let it go to shit on their time if they don't helicopter in a female relative to do it for them. Of course this is not exclusive to ND fathers, it's sadly very common across the board, but it happens with them as it does with other demographics.

No I am not new to MN. Yes I am aware that leaving a relationship isn't easy. However, as someone who has seen both sides of it, having been the child in a marriage where they "stayed together for the kids" and also having left my DC's father due to the difficulties in the relationship, I know that it does not help the children at all.

As for the finances, we are in the UK. There is financial help available for lone parents and those experiencing a relationship breakdown where children are involved.

Great so quit pontificating about it and get on with sorting it. He sounds lovely and I’m sure will find somebody else and be fine. Not sure what’s stopping you or the need for this thread. You’ve made your mind up, act on it as opposed to trying to extend a pointless thread.

I understand where they're coming from as they're parents who have unconditional love for their children and don't like to think of their children being alone as adults.
The thing is, though, they can't expect anybody else to love them unconditionally.

It pisses me off when women are expected to set themselves on fire to keep others warm.

The truth is that autistic partners make their NT partners lives very difficult.

The only time it may work is if you live apart and don't have children with them.

Yes the 50/50 thing to avoid maintenance is a very common thing. However, most of the fathers who do this rarely stick to those agreements. If contact is sporadic - which is usually is -and they are not contributing financially, go to the CMS.

It's the Internet. You're not the internet police she can post whatever the fuck she wants without a special pass from you 😂 (within the law obvious disclaimer).

Yes because it's so easy building a successful coparenting relationship with a man who sees you as a 'broken appliance who failed at being my rigid understanding of a good wife'. It's a doddle. Also we are often the ones keeping our ND children afloat when their father has all the empathy and emotional bandwidth of a lump of wood 🙄

I'm sure he's a lovely person but he doesn't cope well with social situations which doesn't bode well for managing the social relationships which come with children, has food issues, can't manage his finances which points to executive dysfunction issues and is rigid with routines, I understand why OP has decided that having a baby with him would be a bad idea. He also lives with a female relative who does everything for him, even if he is lovely, many women would also be put off by these points. There's no guarantee that he can actually look after himself, let alone a small dependent child. This doesn't make him a bad person, it will making parenting very difficult for him, and for anyone who parents with him. You need good executive functioning to be a parent, it's a constant juggle! I know this because mine isn't good, and I struggle to spin all the plates at the same time.

A lack of empathy is a stereotypical myth.
Often ND people have larger levels of empathy than NTs.As an autistic parent I’m the one with bagfuls of empathy and understanding .