AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

Posts like this are disingenuous. Autism can be a superpower in some ways but fundamentally it is a disability and many will be adversely impacted by it.

I have a family member with Autism and they are in their 50s now. Autism has ruined their life. Being a parent of Autistic children is one thing but try being a parent to an Autistic middle aged adult that has had their life ambitions frustrated by Autism. They can't live independently and are painfully aware and resentful of this. They get themselves into some sticky situations and can almost self sabotage to the point where they need constant support from elderly parents. The same parents that know that their child will outlive then and be without them. It is unbelievably scary for everyone involved.

OP you are doing the right thing for yourself and your DD. You understand the risks and your capacity to parent both your DD and this hypothetical child and are making a sensible decision. Don't be fooled by those that are desperate to accuse you of ableism.

He lives with a (female) family member and I think she does the lions share

Just to pick up on this part OP. Regardless of NT/ND don't move in with someone who doesn't live independently. Until they are, you don't know that they can.

IME men in this situation basically expect you to be their new mother (I've never dated women so I can't speak about them). Lots seem to not be bothered about cleanliness of the home so you need to see how they live and that their standards match yours, it's no use expecting them to change after you've moved in together. You need to know if someone is a pack rat who keeps everything "just in case", especially if you should happen to be a minimalist. You need to know that you're on the same page financially because it's no fun being someone who worries about money and likes to keep an emergency fund finding themselves living with someone who likes to gamble or who only pays bills when they've reached the stage of being threatened with debt collectors. I know a woman with terrible credit rating permanently because she has the attitude that there's water in the tap when she moves in so why should she pay?

From your description of your DP, he isn't a fully functioning adult. You're already in the "support person" role with his finances. There's every chance that if he moved into his own place without any support workers involved that the wheels would completely fall off and his lack of functionality would become more obviously apparent. So if he moved in with you he wouldn't be part of a team working together with you however much he wanted to be, but rather more of an additional burden in terms of you managing his issues in the areas he needs support. I know that sounds horrid but life often is and life certainly isn't fair.

He wouldn't be able to put your DD needs before his own, from the sound of it, if he's that inflexible with his routines etc (which he can't help, I'm not blaming him). There would be times when her needs and his needs conflict and it becomes a choice between which causes her the least amount of neglect - not prioritising her needs that time or the family unit dealing with the fallout of not prioritising his needs. He may be a great guy, the best even, in terms of his personality. But if you're looking for a father figure to your DD (as opposed to just a live-out boyfriend) I don't think he's it.

You've got one life and YANBU to not want to spend it as a carer to a disabled child, if you can avoid it. I don't blame you for wanting the odds in your favour before you TTC with someone.

You worry about whether you're being discriminatory, but here's the thing - you're allowed to be. You're not an employer or providing a public service. You're a woman looking for a life partner. You can discriminate on whatever grounds you want. We all do it. From refusing to date eg a smoker, someone who doesn't earn "enough", someone you're not sexually attracted to, someone who already has kids or who doesn't want them etc etc etc. It's all discrimination and it's fine. You're not doing anything wrong to add "people with genetic conditions, when I want another baby" to your list.

@MeVengo id echo posters saying also read the long running thread here about being married to someone with Aspergers. I was seeing someone who was autistic and we were extremely happy. He also wanted children (i already had children) and I said no so we split up. His entire family were autistic ranging from those who were highly intelligent yet struggled with relationships to those who were in assisted living facilities. Those few who had married, married other ND people with ADHD and all their kids were ND and struggled with school. What im saying is im 99% sure any children we had would have been ND.

When we discussed children, my exes view was that he could do the childcare whilst I went to work. He said he could prepare by doing a MSc in Childcare. I knew whilst he was a brilliant partner in many ways, the heavy lifting would end up with me, and having raised two NT children alone, I didnt want any further pressure on our unit let alone risk a child with additional needs who would need me so much more.

My ex hasn't had children since, and I dont even think he can manage looking after step children let alone his own biological kids if he had them. He floats around life and struggles with basics like organising himself to pay bills and maintaining his home, whereas in other ways hes highly intelligent and can help others in need. I do think some ND men struggle with parenting as opposed to not wanting to parent. For us I think it would have worked if my children were grown up and didn't need me as much, and if it were just the two of us. Then I could have devoted myself to him and vice versa. Im very organised, maternal and empathetic so I fit that role well in his life and we generally were very happy.

You're doing the right thing by making it clear and let him make his own choice about what he wants to do.

I'm glad your kids are exceptional however there are many testimonies on this thread from posters who lives have been blown apart, and I quote that wording. Also their ND partners lives have been blown apart. I absolutely will not risk blowing my daughters life apart because some person on Mumsnet has exceptional autistic kids.

I'm putting my exceptional child first by not risking blowing her life apart.

There are some massive sweeping stereotypical and abelist assumptions re ND parents.

Like NT parents ND parents vary a lot. One size does not fit all. There are many things that make some people not great parents and being ND or disabled isn’t one of them.

I am a ND mum and actually I think ND parents can be a lot more intune with babies and toddlers, understanding discomfort, sensory difficulties etc. I also have think we can take parenting a lot more seriously and really care about doing it right.

That's perspective. I'm making sure I am doing it right, and care about doing right, by my little girl who risks being hugely impacted by adding a disabled child to the mix. There are many many siblings on this post who say they resent their parents and are impacted right into adulthood. I'm glad it's worked out for you, but it doesn't work out for everyone and I'm not taking that risk.

I’m only going on what the OP has said about her boyfriend. A man who lives with a woman who does all his housework and who can’t see what needs doing, lives by a strict routine that cannot be deviated from without advance notice, eats a very restricted diet, can’t manage his own finances or cope at family events, is highly unlikely to be someone who would adapt well to the unpredictability/needs of even the most Zen baby.

That’s great. But this post is about a ND man becoming a parent. And there are lots of posters who, like myself, have had very negative experiences of having a ND parent.

Your post is strange because on one hand you chastise posters for using stereotypes and generalisations when it comes to ND parents but then you go in to do exactly this in your final paragraph.

Personally I don't believe in the big ND/NT binary distinction that is popular at the moment. Science tells us that everyone has ND traits and there a re lots of shades of grey between a supposedly totally NT brain and a totally ND brain. In this context, then of course a supposedly NT person can have ND traits that make parenting incredibly challenging and a supposedly ND parent can have ND traits that are compatible with parenting. Generally though, once you start getting into diagnostic territory then the ND traits are supposed to be disabling to an extent that they have a very real impact on people's day to day functioning in the world. In the context, it follows that those with a diagnosis are going to generally struggle more with parenting than an average person.

Parenting can be like the most all encompassing and challenging teamwork project you will have in your life. If you are parenting with someone that is likely to need a whole host of adjustments and extra support that you have to be provide as the other parent then this can be incredibly hard. Add to this an ND child that may need extra adjustments and support too and it's pretty easy to see that an awful lot would fall to OP.

OP, ignore the posters on here who are trying to shame you for not deliberately trying to have a child with special needs to the detriment of your current DD. This thread is nuts.

All disabled people struggle with everyday life, being disabled does not make you a bad parent.

Anyway op you’ve made your mind up so not sure what the thread was for.🤔He sounds lovely and I’m sure will find somebody else pretty swiftly so maybe stop with pontificating about it and get on with sorting it all out.

Why are you so offended by me not intently wanting a disabled child? If you enjoy your life so much why do you feel the need to try and shame other people into having disabled children to the detriment of the sibling?

No, but it could make parenting extremely challenging indeed and this could be very hard on the other parent that will have to offer additional help and support.

I think your use of the label 'bad' parent is interesting as what is a bad parent? It could be defined a million different ways and is clearly a subjective description.

My relative with Autism would love a child and absolutely do his best for them. Some would say this would automatically make the 'bad' parent label not applicable. He absolutely couldn't cope with the practical, financial or emotional elements of raising a child though and if he ever become a father then the child would either need to be raised to a huge extent by the mother or social services would need to offer such a large amount of support that I don't even know whether they would have to take the child into care for the sake of the child.

It's not black and white. Is love enough? Having a child when you know that one of the parents can't effectively cope with parenting and all that it entails is basically underwriting all those risks yourself and I can understand why OP doesn't want to do that. Read some of the accounts on here about lived literally being blown up by this.

This. OP is not a monster for understanding this and prioritising her current DD. MN is nuts—most threads about blended families chastise the mums for bringing new babies with new men into current DCs lives. They get told how selfish they are and that they never prioritised the needs of their DCs.

Yet on this thread, we have a woman who wants to prioritise her DC, so much so that she is willing to end her relationship with her current DP, who she recognises will really struggle to cope with the adaptability required for a baby. Yet after prioritising her current DC and acknowledging that her DP won’t be a great father, the pitchforks are out for OP.

You can’t win on MN—you get attacked for starting a blended family and putting your own selfish desires first; and attacked for not starting a blended family with a man who cannot cope, because that’s selfish.

If you love him and want to be with him I’d honestly look at going down the route of using donor sperm.

Yes NT can be hard work, but the propensity for a ND kid to be hard work and dominate a household is much higher.

You also see it repeatedly on here where the mother of a ND child is struggling with how the father copes- where the link is so often genetic the father struggles so much more because they are both triggering each other.

I echo what a lot of other people have said - I have a ND child and I’d be pretty unsurprised to find out my DH is ND although he’s not been diagnosed - he has all the tendencies of not coping with changes to routines, needing things done a certain way, sensitivity to noise etc etc etc.

I’d say parenting my DD is sometimes challenging but very rewarding but the impact on me and family of a DH who really can’t cope with the sometimes chaos of normal family life is another thing altogether and not something I’d willingly enter into if I could start over.

So in your shoes I’d not have a child with your partner but because of your partner not the potential child.

To me the fact that he may well be dependent on his mother to do everything for him and even then he needs a lot of support to function from the OP is concerning in of itself. The fact that he won't attend functions on the OPs side is also a problem, what about a child's potential birthday parties or other events?

It doesn't make him a bad person but these things suggest that he will struggle to be a good parent and meet a child's needs.

Even if we had the ability to prenatally screen for things like PDA, it doesn't sound like he'd cope parenting any child.

I don’t think he sounds like he will find someone else pretty swiftly. A man living with his mum/sister/aunt who organises his domestic life for him isn’t something most women look for in a partner. Nor is an inability to deal with social situations. He also doesn’t sound like he would be a good parent so I’m not sure why you’re so eager for him to have a child.

I have 3 autistic kids. My middle son literally won't sleep. My toddler who is 18 months and not diagnosed doesn't sleep. My 13 year old doesn't sleep it's absolute hell.

Isn't this entire post a waste of time because the OP isn't even staying with partner.

It's a huge gamble to have a child with someone with known ASD as it is often genetic. Even if you are lucky with a mild ASD child,
It may re-emerge and impact your childs children.

Anyone who says ASD is easy is wrong, has not seen the massive impact on a family even a higher functioning case can cause, meanwhile the impact of nonverbal.

You need to consider if your decision will impact your relationship in a wider way. And please be fully honest with your autistic partner, don't play secrets. It's not fair.

My heart goes out to you. I was sleep
deprived for many years and only someone who has been through that can truly understand it. I hope you will get rest again, I never thought I would but it did happen x x

I agree. Posts like that basically define autistic people as being like Elon Musk, focused geniuses who will take over the world with their brilliance. The reality is very very different. Of the many autistic children and adults I know, extremely few are like what OP describes and the majority have struggled greatly due to autism. Some will never be able to live independently or have a job, let alone be leaders in their field.

And even if Elon Musk is a focused genius, I bet he’s a pretty tricky housemate!!