AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

It's not ableist to not want to risk having a child with very real difficulties and high needs that would change the dynamic between you and your daughter forever.

I have a good friend whose younger sibling has autism and they really resent the loss of their own childhood and the way it upended their family.

I also watched my SIL struggle with her child, who was eventually diagnosed AuDHD when he was 6. He basically didn't sleep for the first 5 years of his life, which meant she didn't either. The hyperactive aspect of his behaviour was also really bad and he often put himself in real danger. She couldn't really leave the house, lost loads of friends because they didn't want to be around the chaos and destruction.

I think you're making a very wise call.

Just out of interest, has his brother had any children?

The challenge won't be the child. It will be him.

Parenting with a ND Dh has pushed me close to breaking point.

I think you should have probably considered this earlier on. Autism runs in my family I have one child with a diagnosis and one without. I wouldn’t change them for the world. Yes it is more challenging but you could have a baby with any condition there is no such thing as perfect op.

Don't do it because you simply don't want to. You don't have to justify it. Make a choice. You're allowed to have a preference. Tell him you don't want to move in. You don't have to tell him you don't want a child due to fears of them being autistic. Anyone can have a disabled child or suffer a birth trauma or a child have a life changing accident. Shit happens just don't choose it if you don't want it. My husband is autistic high functioning whatever that means. We have 2 children. Hard work but also very high functioning but my oh my the subtle daily needs and adaptations. I don't know who I am anymore compromising all the time. Anyway don't regret it but didn't know at the time. Probably wouldn't change it because autistic men can be absolutely incredible humans and he's a fabulous father. He would do anything for us. We adore him.

Honestly, I wouldn't do it. Only since having my own DC, and getting diagnosed for them, have I realised how much ASD / ADHD is in my family. Including me. Everything is hard work. I see my DB whose DC the genes skipped and am jealous of their easy lives, while we struggle just to stay afloat & watch as both DC high intelligence goes to waste. I wouldn't have had DC if I'd realised. We're on holiday at the moment and it's constantly ruined by their needs causing behaviour issues. Also fighting DD who has fixated on food and always wants to eat treats & is heading for obesity once I can no longer control her access. It's just not worth it. I also struggle and can't cope or regulate with the constant fight. I cry a lot.

It's also explained a lot about my own upbringing. My DM is obviously ADHD, ASD. Pretty much ignored us growing up. She's since admitted it just never crossed her mind to parent us or be involved in our lives & fixated on her own fun. Refused to work. Now complains they have no money in retirement and it's DF's fault!! I could go on, but basically I would have never had DC if I'd known at the time.

Not read through. Sorry!

Im assuming your parte is perhaps in is 30s? There is a lot more understanding, intervention, training etc around ASD, impact of routine, different ways g landing the condition, etc etc

By all means it’s your right to decide to not have an autistic child but you have to tell him soon. He needs to have a chance at having his own kid if that’s what he wants.

YANBU. DH is autistic. DS2 is autistic. Both of them are brilliant, kind, funny people. And I am pretty certain DH being autistic makes him a better partner for me than any NT man I dated before him. More loyal, more trustworthy. But in my heart, I know life would be easier for them both, and my life as a parent would have been easier if they were neurotypical.

DS2 didn't sleep through until he was 12 years old. No one should under-estimate the profound effect that years of severe sleep deprivation have on your life, your personality, your health. The lack of sleep affected me badly but probably affected DS2 far worse, stunting his growth and delaying his development.

That your DH's autism manifested in one way as extreme lack of sleep is crucial. Sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason. It is not the same as being tired or having a few weeks or even months of broken nights. If you have the option to avoid it, do.

But be honest with your DP and tell him you don't think it's likely you will want another child with him.

Autistic children range as much, probably more now I'm thinking about it, in their needs and abilities as NT people.

And any child will be a massive change to your daughter's life.

Yanbu people need to put more thought into having children and the realities

I have a DC with a disability.

Loving a disabled child, your actual present loved child, insisting that they get fair treatment and fighting discrimination is not the same as choosing not to have a theoretical, non existent disabled child.

It’s all very well, but I know 2 families, each with a parent who lives happily and successfully with ASD , whose lives have been blown apart by the birth of a severely affected autistic child. Non verbal, incontinent, violence at adolescence, serious health issues caused by harmful repetitive habits. Sleepless nights for days. Other children in the family traumatised.My friend, the Mum, has PTSD from various incidents and life under extreme stress.

ASD is not one thing.

These 2 families love their children butwould not have chosen to have a child with such high needs.

I think the point is that he also wouldn't cope with a child who was like him either.

If that was pointed out and he agreed, I wonder if both of you could consider donor sperm?

Can you specifically quote where I've said any of that?

No, you can't, because you've completely made that up yourself. How odd!

I'm autistic and could absolutely not have coped with parenting an NT child, let alone the ND one I would probably have ended up having.

And, as a carer for a sibling with additional needs, I have days where I very much resent my parents for having another child without considering the potential impact on their existing one. They chose to become parents. I wasn't given a choice about becoming a sister.

I can only imagine how much more resentful I'd be if we had only one parent in common and I'd also had to deal with a stepfather I never asked for. Thank goodness you are prioritising your existing child over a hypothetical one.

“Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child”

This quote stood out in your first post. My husband and I knew there was a good chance our child would have autism and we had a baby happily and enthusiastically. I would hate being neurotypical. It looks boring. We didn’t wish for an ASD child, but we were not in any way disappointed when she was diagnosed.

yes, there have been challenges. The complete lack of sleep being the biggest. That is definitely an issue. my parents struggled with it with me and we struggled with it with dd.

That said, if your boyfriend wants a child and you don’t want to have a child with him, you need to let him go. You are free not to knowingly increase your odds of a ND child, but your bias against ND should not prevent him from becoming a parent.

Same situation, I didn’t realise my husband was autistic but now I understand I see his whole family are. I had our child and it is 1000 times harder than bringing up my first child. I’ve sacrificed my career, friends and hobbies. I’m forced to home educate as no one else can manage. I’m actually happy, but my world has been drastically reduced, we’re coping well, my husband and child are so happy together. My first child has been hugely impacted and all our plans together aren’t possible. If I could advise you, I would not have another child, if I could go back, I would change paths.

Having a child with an autistic man has been v tricky. He adores our child but his lack of flexibility has made things so difficult and the anxiety he experiences in everyday life has been passed down to our autistic daughter. We have the loveliest daughter in the world in my eyes but she has been completely consumed with anxiety from a very young age. Her life is very hard, even with lots of support and love and therapy. Her Dad’s traits have become harder to deal with as he has got older too. In your shoes I would walk away if you are strong enough to go with your head and not your heart.

YANBU, but whatever you do don't tell him you don't want a child due to his autism.

As for how you deal with this, you should just break up with him. He wants children; you don't - that's a deal breaker.

No don’t do it .

Totally not unreasonable. Parenting a child with needs is exhausting and mostly stressful and upsetting rather than rewarding and fun.
It will adversely impact your existing child and that is not fair.

It's not like your parents decided to have a child with additional needs. That just happens. It could also have happened to you later down the track, if you had genes that you didn't know about that came out later. They probably thought you would benefit from a sibling they assumed would be healthy. Otherwise we all have to have one child in case there's an issue with the next. None of us ask to be born or have siblings.

Your parents should have put things in place so that you didn't have to provide care for a sibling though, once they realised that was the situation.

My kids are exceptional. I would say they are all on the spectrum. My DS's teacher discribed him as light years ahead of his peers. He became a member of Mensa at 13. He will be a leader in whatever field he chooses to apply himself to, and he will take his pick. His younger brother is hot on his tail. My DD is kind, empathetic, creative and intuitive. She has an astonishing read on people. I would never have chosen autism in my ignorance, but there is a reason why they say it is a superpower.

Let your partner find someone who values him enough to see that another human like him in the world is only a good thing.

I'm married to someone with ASD and have 2 children with him. One is ASD and intellectually impaired with a whole raft of other issues, the other is ASD and ADHD.

In some aspects my DH is a good parent. In other aspects he is a completely shit father due to his ASD and the sensory issues and executive functioning issues he has. I am not sure given the choice I would have had one child let alone 2 with him. He was undiagnosed when we married and our first child was also not diagnosed until later.

He's been a terrible father to his child from a previous relationship. They blame me for all the problems so I walked away from the whole mess--they were in their 30s by then and I had had a gutsful of it all.

So sorry to hear that both your DS and DN have cerebral palsy. FWIW, my mum has cerebral palsy too - probably also caused by an error made during childbirth but way too late to ever take action. Back then it was just shrugged off.

On reflection I would agree with your cousin. My mum is nearly 80 now but has struggled with knowing what she’s missing out on her whole life (not helped by her personality type, to be fair). Being able to walk, but not very well, and not being allowed to go to a proper school and take exams despite being capable cognitively was really hard for her. I think she’s always felt as if she’s on the sidelines and always, always has FOMO, because of this.

Obviously a different condition but DS is autistic/dyspraxic and DD is AuDHD. I am AuDHD too. DS is the most severely disabled (still in nappies) and seems oblivious to most things. As long as he has his basic needs met he’s happy, so much just goes over his head. DD is more aware but probably still won’t be capable of independent living. She’s got a couple of sweet little friendships and I take her to meet-ups and sit at the next table.

Both my DC have no idea what they’re missing from a “normal” life and I really do think that makes it so much easier for them.

What you say is exactly right - different perspectives can be enlightening and show how the exact same situation can be viewed in different ways. Neither are wrong.

I hope your DS is thriving and enjoying his best life now, and also your DN 💐