AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

Autism comes in so many different shades. I know very successful autistic people who have been to university, have great careers, families, just a bit quirky. Then there's the other end of the spectrum where care needs are intense. I understand if you don't want to risk that.

I've also never known a couple where there is a NT/ND pairing. ND seems to attract ND, even if the other half doesn't know it at the time they get together. I know a lot of ND couples. The fact you're attracted to him suggests to me you are probably not NT, OP.

I've also never known a couple where there is a NT/ND pairing.

Thats because about 80% of those marriages end up in divorce
And those who stay together often struggle a lot.

Why did you ask in AIBU if you are not ready to hear different perspectives?

You are kind of making OP sound like an arse to be honest...

"You dont want his children"

Perfectly good reason why she wouldn't. The autistic child that lives behind my house is extremely difficult to listen to, constantly screaming and they arnt even in my house!!!! There is mild autism and then there is extreme! It could also be any kind of genetics you'd want to avoid, not just autism.

"Just to be clear you would be 100% breaking up because he is autistic"

No she said she is fine with him and his autism with HIM, not adding a child with most likely additional needs into the mix... shes not went "oh he's autistic better break up" and so what if she did?
Sometimes we get with people with any kind of issues and then they become too much to deal with - we have the right to call it.

Show me where I've said that please. I'll wait.

All the ones I know are pretty happy, and I know a lot. Struggles that put the marriage in trouble have often resulted in the ND evaluation, then they got each other and got on with it with new understanding and happiness. I doubt most of them get as far as marriage in a NT/ND pairing.

You've said you don't want your disabled, now ex(?) partners kid because they could be autistic.

I can't keep going round really - yabu. You're definitely right to end things.

This!! Just because someone isn’t diagnosed, doesn’t mean they are not ND. And IME, ND people flock together, so if your partner is ND, it might be worth having a really honest look at yourself. 10 years ago, no one in my family knew anything about autism, but once dc was diagnosed, then another dc, I can see it in dh, in myself, in other dc, in our parents, siblings and wider family, As well as the majority of our friend group, most of whom have diagnosed dc.

That's often how it works now, with a child being diagnosed and then recognition going backwards. In our day it wasn't generally picked, especially if you are female.

Now that I have a lot of experience, I can pick a ND person very quickly. I will also click with them very quickly and we can naturally spend hours talking. If I like you, you need an assessment.

WTF? If the relationship is shaky and OP is giving up on it, why, in all the world, was she considering having a baby?

Felt moved to reply to this on the back of something my cousins husband said to me 30 odd years ago.

My cousin and I gave birth to our sons within 3 months of each other EDIT at the same hospital. Both boys born with brain damage and ended up with Cerebal Palsy. Genetic testing showed no link (found out years later that there was a spate of babies born at that time with the same issue, and several court cases settled in favour of the children. We learned this too late to do anything about it).

My son was (is) mildly affected, some LD and some physical limitations but lives independently and works when he can. Their son was (is) wheelchair bound for life, probably a shortened life span, and intellectually still a very young child. Cousin in Law said that he always felt that DS1 had it worse because his son didnt know any different, he was happy and cared for and loved and that was all he needed. Whereas my son knew what he couldnt do, knew all the things he had to miss out on (son was 5 ish at the time) and it upset C-i-L to think of it.

I always thought that his son had the worse deal, and how lucky we were. Just goes to show how perspectives can be so different.

I’d feel exactly the same as you OP. I think you are making the right decision for your DD.

I have a severely autistic child - and neither of us are neurodivergent - I wouldn’t.

it’s affected my other children’s lives hugely.

We all love him very much but it’s extremely hard.

If I had been told that my first baby would have cerebal palsy but my others wouldnt, would I have had any kids?

No.

Edited this bit because although what I said is true (feel free to read) it isnt what I mean.

I wouldnt have had any kids at that point so all I would know is how bad it could be. I wouldnt know that actually isnt always that bad. But when making a decision one should always expect the worst but hope for the best. So I wouldnt have had children, because I wouldnt want that for my child or me.

You are focussing on your child that does exist, but the OP doesnt have this hypothetical child and she has a choice. You didnt have that choice and I think that is what you are mad about, that she can choose to say no and you couldnt.

Another edit. I wonder if you had all the prenatal tests for Down Syndrome etc, and what you would have done had they come back with a positive result. You THEN not you NOW.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

I and lots of other sen parents dont feel that way, and feel very tired of people letting us know they wouldn't want to be in our shoes

All the best to you and your, I'm sure lovely, son.

He is lovely and I have edited my reply.

You are focussing on your child that does exist, but the OP doesnt have this hypothetical child and she has a choice. You didnt have that choice and I think that is what you are mad about, that she can choose to say no and you couldnt.

That's exactly what this poster doesn't get. The child OP is talking about doesn’t exist, is just an idea and OP doesn't have to bring them into existence or do anything for them or sacrifice anything for them. They don't exist!!

The fact that OP isn't willing to risk the odds on having this entirely theoretical child who doesn't exist has nothing to do with this poster's child who does. OP isn't wishing anyone away. The person doesn't exist in the first place!

Plenty of people don't want children at all, even entirely NT ones with no additional needs, because they do not want that life and what it entails. This has nothing to do with me and my children who exist. They're not wishing my kids away because they don't want hypothetical ones themselves.

Yes, my son has a disability and feels his life is very worth living.

Why are you sorry I feel that way?

How do you think I should feel? Happy that my son's life is a daily struggle? Happy that he has been through so many tests and surgery and treatments that caused him absolute agony?

I am forever blessed that he is my son, but thats me now. Me before I had him wouldnt have known all of our time together, just as OP doesnt with the baby that doesnt exist. You seem to think that she should cheerfully bring into the world a child that may suffer appalling struggles that they can neither understand nor control depending on the severity of their potential condition. Into a world that doesnt understand or support them or OP and doesnt provide the care they need. Frankly thats cruel.

So do I! I was answering as if I was OP, who at this point does not have a disabled child and is able to reduce the risk of her having one. Would I have done the same in her situation? Yes. But I wasnt, so here we are in a family who love each other very much and I wouldnt change that.....now. But before I had my eldest, would I have risked it? No.

I love my child beyond measure. But knowing what I know now I would never have another with my ASD husband.

Had I been more educated on the generic link years ago I don't think I'd have wanted another child either.

I don't think you're in the wrong at all.

I'm not saying OP would be wrong to decide not to risk a child at the more high needs end of the spectrum, but if we all made choices in line with your post, none of us would have children at all. It's a roll of the dice every time we have a child, even with no known genetic conditions. I have a couple of severe genetic conditions but we had no idea they were there when we had our children. The child most affected has said that they would still want their life as they find it worth living and are happy. They have suffered a lot, been through painful surgeries and on it goes. But they value their life and are glad they are here to live it.

One of my children has married and the man they married has the same genetic condition in their family. They have chosen not to have children.

I have an autistic child and she’s been amazing! No issues with sleeping at all. No respite care required. Just because that’s your partner‘s experience doesn’t mean that’s how it always is! Every autistic child is different.
You are absolutely entitled to your own decision but you do sound incredibly judgmental and in some ways, quite ableist. Let this man go and find someone who loves him for who he is, not in spite of it…

Being married to an ASD ex-DH, he was very ill-equipped to raise children.

The thing is, when it's just you and him, you can adjust around him, his needs, his routines, his foods, his everythings. Yes they do come with such honesty and lack of game-playing which is very attractive to some of us. What you see is what you get. That is something that if you've had your heart broken and messed around is so refreshing to experience. They say they'll do something and they do it. They also have a very unique way of operating and I have found that very attractive.

But the problem is that they can only be adapted around. They can't adapt around you enough is what I've found.

And when you have a baby, the baby becomes the focus and the partner (nearly always a man) can no longer be the centre of your world and the baby takes over. It destroys the routines, it needs full time care and attention and an autistic (often man) can't cope with this complete bomb of disruption and relentlessness of energy sucking out of you, that they can no longer give to themselves to self regulate. They withdraw, become resentful, disengage with you, and go off by retreat into themselves. Then comes the anger, quiet seething, disparaging, criticism because you're not doing things 'the right way'.

If you need to go to hospital or something serious, there is a good chance, they may not be the person that takes you. Unfortunately there are a lot of threads about this on the NT/ND partner threads. I experienced this myself. Very ill and my partner didn't take me.

You can love these beautiful people as they are truly beautiful and I feel awful to say this, but they make questionable parents - in some cases. Not all of them by any means. But some of them. Just like some NT are not good parents but there it's for different reasons. So I would say, don't have a baby with this man.

I adore my children, both ND but it's been so hard at times and mine are mild. It gets better as they get older but my god, I wouldn't wish this struggle on anyone. And the thing is, no one really understands. Not unless you've gone through it. All the grief, all the sadness, all the wishes for normality, for a sleepover, for a party, for a dinner with friends, just to meet a friend in the park for a normal playdate.

Some NT parents have no idea how much they take for granted. I have missed out on so much that I thought I'd experience as a parent. It has been such a struggle and incredibly lonely. So no, I wouldn't have a child with this man and I wouldn't feel guilty about it either. Why would you choose pain and struggle, when you could choose ease and a smoother journey for a second child. The world owes you nothing and likewise you owe humanity nothing. it is your choice 100%. In fact you are taking responsibilty and being an adult in your choice. There is no shortage of newly diagnosed autistic kids. One less won't make any difference.

I have autism and ADHD and have chosen not to have children because I know the risk of having a child with autism is higher and I also think I would struggle to parent a child who, for example, didn’t sleep or had loud vocal stims or needed to always be on the go. I become easily dysregulated myself and I don’t think I would cope well with those things. I also had awful mental health in my teens, severe self-harm which I struggled with into adulthood and I would be anxious about having a child whose autism caused similar levels of anxiety, I don’t think I would cope well with it or be a good parent to the child so in my mind it’s not worth the risk.