AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

A lot of people supporting your decision and I do too. The fact is, you are already a mum. Which throws two things into the mix: 1) you know how difficult parenthood is. That even with the easiest child, it is an absolute shit show. You understand what little sleep feels like, so the idea of a whole childhood with a child who may be a drastically worse sleeper is a terrifying idea. 2) you love your DD more than life and are mainly concerned how this will impact her. And you are right to think like that. Any sibling would impact, but a sibling with low sleep needs and challenging behaviour? Yeh.

It's heartbreaking but you already know the conversation you need to have. Have it sooner rather than later. You never know, it might not be a deal breaker for him xxx

You're being honest with yourself and looking out for your existing child, which is all you can do. If you know there is a risk of having a child with autism and potentially high needs, of course you can decide it's not in your existing family's best interests.

I would hope that your partner understands this. It's not that different from any other heritable condition and prospective parents attend counselling.

I absolutely wouldn't.

Thank you for your kind words, I'm quite a negative person so struggle to see the positives a lot of the time.

I'm autistic myself so completely understand where you're coming from. When I was younger (and didn't know I was autistic) I dated only neurotypical men. Fortunately it didn't work out, but I shudder to think how awful it would have been if I'd have had a neurotypical child. I mean that seriously.

It would have been terrible for all of us. As a neurodivergent family we all rub along together wonderfully, but it would probably have been awful for us, and any children, had one of them been neurotypical. Neurodivergent children I can deal with, I honestly don't know how parents cope with neurotypical children, I honestly don't, the stories I hear, they'd have had me tearing my hair out.

I have an AuDHD 12 year old child and she is what you would consider “high functioning” in that she is verbal, highly academic and capable of most things, but she is also INCREDIBLY hard work. She is rigid, selfish and moody. The whole house (including my sweet and loving 6 year old) treads on eggshells around her and my stress levels on top of a high pressure job are often high. She doesn’t sleep brilliantly and can be very nasty when she wants to be. Up until she was about 9 she did pooped herself after she damaged her nerves through withholding (common in ND kids) and she leaves a trail of mess behind her everywhere she goes. The friendship and social struggles she has had over the years have literally broken my heart.

would I have chosen this life for myself? Absolutely not. Would I change it now? Also no. because despite the difficulties we face as a family I do love the bones of that kid: she is funny, clever, beautiful, inquisitive and resilient in a way that I can’t begin to describe. Her determination at life makes me proud every single day.

i adore my child and I wouldn’t swap her for the world now I have her, but my god I do wish life was easier for her and for us.

you wouldn’t be unreasonable to decide that life isn’t for you. You likely wouldn’t regret it if it happened either though because your kids are your kids. Only you know what you’re willing to live through and either choice is ok.

I don't think this is true at all.

I suspect my ex and I both have autism. Our son has autism that aligns with PDA which reflects how his Dad behaves. I haven't ever behaved like this and after further discussions I think we suspect that many of the men in my family also have it.The National Autism Society has announced its genetic but they don't know how yet.

I started responding but stopped for supoer before returning to it -apologies if the thread has moved on since then.

My DC's dad is autistic and so is DC1. DP was managing life in his own, slightly eccentric way when we met, and because we had alternative interests, and niche careers which allowed him to thrive and suited his traits, what we now recognise as his autism (but weren't yet naming then) didn't really cause us any problems.

Becoming a parent absolutely blew his life up. Neither of us had really realised the extent to which he relies on routine and predictability in order to function, organise his life and regulate both physically and emotionally. DC2 was conceived while we still assumed we were struggling due to sleep deprivation, otherwise we wouldn't have considered a #2.

Parenting has been hellish for him at times -too many factors and variables and moving parts, and priorities and needs to consider which are not his own. He has many of the beautiful qualities you describe in your DP, and he loves the bones of our DC, but they have grown up knowing their dad to be fragile and anxious and frequently in need of removing himself from family space and time on order to regroup.

I have always carried the lions' share of the parenting load, including the advocacy for DC1's autism and SEN. My life is now very much about managing the needs and emotional climate of the household along with the practical / logistical aspects of running a family while DP has become a SAHD who, thankfully, does a pretty good job of cooking and DIY. DC2's experience of life is very much coloured by the extent to which DC1 is able to participate in daily life.

DC1 has begun to understand and accept their diagnosis, or rather the more challenging aspects thereof -there are one or two talents or skills which she attributes to autism of which she is proud. Nevertheless, they've always had a very hard time with many aspects of education and daily living, and it doesn't look set to change. There are times of the year when I'm flat out with local authority / school communication / evidence gathering / funding battles / research, and I'm always tired.

I think you're being very honest with yourself, however complex and uncomfortable that and the consequences thereof may be. Best of luck, OP.

I will not apologise to the op as I have nothing to apologise for. I encourage people to go out there and be unapologetically disabled, people will people.

I've responded to people quoting me. If you don't like what I have to say... Don't quote me. That's what I want from you. 👍

Ok wow . Disability on every level is a possibility in any pregnancy. I wouldn't change my autistic children for the world (I have 8 ,3 are ND in different levels /needs) . Autism can be challenging it can also bring so much love and joy and laughter that's lost in the challenges. My most challenging little one is a madam, Would I change her or chose a different path ? Absolutely not ! She the biggest pain in the bum and the biggest smile I have and my other children (younger and older )adore her warts and all . You will take this risk with any partner op . However that choice is in your hands . It's not all doom and gloom tho .

That's not how discussion forums work. It's a shame you can't have a mature conversation.

I tried.

That literally is. That's why the quote function is there.

Please quit. Thanks.

Only you know what risks you can have , but it’s not fair to prevent him from having a child so maybe your best choice is to leave him and find someone neurotypical that carries less risk .
I do tell you what he thing , life can be funny . My best friend left someone because he had an autistic child and she couldn’t possibly deal with it forever he was an absolutely gem of guy and q great dad . Married someone else 3 years after and now both the babies she had from this neurotypical guy have autism , much more severe than her ex son was .
I have an autistic child qnd none of the other 3 have autism .

It's your choice who you want to have kids with. I think carefully thinking through that is great.

I heard similar stories about my DH, and I told him when pregnant with our first that he was doing nights if the kid ended up like him and we focused on what support systems we had in place. The way the dice rolled, all our kids are fairly good sleepers. My DH still did do most of the nights and we've had friends help at times. Once the youngest was out of the toddler phase, he started to work nights so he would always be around in the day in case of an emergency, making that shifted sleep pattern work as well as it can for the family. It's worked out well.

But as you and others said, you never know what's going to happen with the roll of the dice.

*God, one of the hardest things about being autistic and being a SEN parents is randoms saying 'god, i would never want to be in your shoes' Something never said to wheelchair users btw, although I am sure thought behind closed doors."

That is far, far from the hardest thing about being autistic and having children with disabilities, including autism. The idea that it's the hardest is laughable in how ridiculous it is.

Also, I was told that and far worse when my kids were very young and I was out in a wheelchair or mobility scooter. I'd get people come up and question how I could possibly parent, go on about they couldn't imagine or want to be a parent in a wheelchair. Well before I had kids, I was told more than once to my face why people like me shouldn't have kids, shouldn't even get married, shouldn't be alive because people like me are just a physical, emotional, mental, financial, and all in all burden to others. My kids got excluded when they were young due to other adults attitude towards my visible disabilities. Some of the worst remarks I've had are from other disabled people.

And no, giving them a firm telling off isn't going to help - it does a total of fuck all. It likely would only escalate a situation and make things worse for us. That's not disability advocacy, it's not disability acceptance. Disability acceptance is also not telling people to have kids with us when they don't want to, as if we can't get enthusiastically willing partners if we don't guilt people into it...

Pitting physical disabilities against neurodivergent conditions - or pitting disabilities against each other in general - is never helpful. It's not disability advocacy or acceptance in the slightest, it's a standard ableist trick to rank the issues of different disabilities.

It also ignores that there are autistic people who also use wheelchairs or other mobility devices - quite a few actually, when you consider autism is comorbid with some physical disabilities.

I encourage people to go out there and be unapologetically disabled, people will people.

So I can't just exist disabled, I need to be unapologetically disabled, WTF does that mean.

I suggest you try reading my post again.

You clearly have not understood.

I think that, regardless of whether a person is NT or otherwise, its shame more people don't think through who they are having children with. Not just because of medical needs etc

In the heady honeymoon phase their failings are overlooked. Then they can be lived with as a couple but having a child usually highlights these issues rather than makes them go away. Lazy men get lazier, selfish men get more selfish and so on.

The old line of "I thought he would stop doing XYZ/ Do more XYZ once we had a baby" is seen on here so often. There would be a lot more happy families and crucially, happy kids, if more women gave the subject the same consideration that @MeVengo is giving it.

That's why I said apparently. Spend 10 mins on internet and you'll find several different answers, each one contradicting the others in some way. That's why the OP needs reliable information on which to base her decision.

I find it fascinating to see many posters saying they have no regret having a child who is autistic. That they are proud of their child and the fact they’re autistic etc….

I have a chronic illness that is very disabling. Very poor quality of life. Many people chose suicide/assisted dying if they’re on a country allowing it.
It also seems that there is a genetic side to it (like there is for asthma) and it’s clear that in run in some families (like parent and child being diagnosed).

If I knew then what I know now, I would have thought twice about having children. Not because I wish to not have those children. But because I wish/hope theyre never going to experience life like I know it.

Im not sure what is the difference between me/my illness and autism, but yes I’m puzzled by the idea that one would happily take the risk.

Removing post as it posted twice

Its better you are honest and feel shit about it than become a shit parent to an autistic child. They deserve better. I don't mean that to come across as harsh or that you are wrong for feeling this way as you absolutely aren't. Being a sen parent is very very tough. Having sen is also very tough. I have an incredibly fulfilling life and love my kids. I would never have ever thought about not having them just because I and my partner have sen - but then thats probably part of why I manage it (and even then it is hard work). You have a daughter already and they have to be your priority

Probably because if you are autistic yourself and living a fulfilled life, and have managed to succeed in education and work and relationships you wouldn't see it as something to avoid. Its tough in many ways but then NTs have hardships in other ways too. I do of course get that not all autism is the same but in our family it seems we all have autism but where the needs aren't high level in a struggling to work/have a marriage etc way

I have a son with autism and ADHD, and a daughter who is three years older. Some days, I know it's hard for my daughter. I feel guilty about the sacrifices she has to make, the places we have to leave, the things she can't do because of it. Other days, I see a fierce compassion and a deep empathy in her that I know she's developed because of her brother. She cares so deeply and loves him so hard in a way that amazes me. She is intuitive with him, and whenever she meets another child with needs, the way she understands them without words means everything. Both the feelings of worry and the feelings of pride and gratitude exist at the same time. Neither one goes away.
There's going to be light and dark in the consequences of everything. I wish you the best with whatever path you choose xx

Similar story here @SoftBoiled. Love my kids so much but DH is in bits, and it’s all a bit of a struggle.

I think it's worth saying that not all autistic households have the same extreme struggles - not for OP as she's made up her mind, but for anyone else who reads this thread and is undecided.

Many people with autistic DC who are doing just fine won't be drawn to threads - or forums - like this. I know plenty of ND households who have managed to strike a good balance in their lives with parents and children who are fulfilled and happy.

And even for DC like mine who will probably be with me for life, I often think I'm lucky. I don't have to worry about them getting in with a bad crowd, dabbling in drugs, getting pregnant, or not coming home after a night out. Ours is a different life for sure, but I'm not sure that I'd choose it to be any different. My DC are really happy as they are and don't feel as if they're missing anything.

I'm not trying to persuade anyone, just pointing out that it's not necessarily always negative.

Yanbu, it's not worth the risk for any of you. You are making the right decision to end it and you'll realise that in time.

Please explain to me how you know people with austism or Aspergers, when they have not been diagnosed with those conditions.