AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

I don’t think those are things women should be castigated for avoiding either.

This isn’t about you and your kid. You were and are free to make the choices that are right for you. OP is entitled to do the same.

If you want to spend your emotional energy being offended by people making different choices then go for it, I guess. Not sure why that needs to be anyone else’s problem.

@Glowingup The question is can they meet the needs of a child adequately and not impose an unhappy childhood on their child?

That's what I was referring to. It is not correct that people with Aspergers or autism are universally incapable of being good parents.

Yes, the OP is not planning on having a child with this man. And no, Huntington's and autism are obviously not the same but the way you were listing off conditions that ran in your family and saying you would still have kids made me wonder whether there was some sort of limit to what you would consider not worth risking it for. You also need to consider that you are likely to die before your child and who will care for them then? Having disabled children (especially profoundly disabled ones) where you knew it was a serious risk isn't always the altruistic act that people sometimes make it out to be. Often it places very severe burdens on non-disabled siblings.

Why is she though? She's perfectly entitled not to want a child with her partner

I often wonder if there was an early screening during pregnancy for it, how many woman would opt for a termination.

OP is entitled to mull this over on here while she sorts out how she feels and what she wants to do.

Okay, you start a thread about how you never want a kid who can't walk and see where it gets you

If you don't want a disabled kid, don't have kids, not one person is forcing you to. But it's very unreasonable to have a thread like this, subtly bashing autistic children by saying you'd never want to risk having one. It's not so outright but the bashing is there.

Much love to the sen parents doing their best. Your child deserves to be accepted and I will always stand up for mine, and for other disabled people.

God, one of the hardest things about being autistic and being a SEN parents is randoms saying 'god, i would never want to be in your shoes'

Something never said to wheelchair users btw, although I am sure thought behind closed doors.

Are you being deliberately obtuse or have you not read the OP's posts?

She has said multiple times that she knows she could have a disabled child with any man and if that happened, she would love the child and do the best she could. She wants to minimise the risk of that happening.

Like how you, I hope, didn't smoke and drink through pregnancy to minimise the risk of harm to your baby. That doesn't mean you're an unfit parent.

End of.

Are you being deliberately obtuse by not reading my posts.

What I am saying is very clear. If you don't like it, and think the op's position is fine and dandy to say, yabu and we will never agree.

So... Maybe leave it there?

I have a cousin who found herself in this position, her daughters father died in an accident when she was a baby and she had brought her daughter up herself for years, they had an amazing life, always busy, good career and income, days out, holidays, she then met a partner who was ND and he was desperate for a baby, fast forward she had her son, who is autistic, non verbal, and has PICA?, he doesn’t sleep, has meltdowns constantly, she had to give up her job which has massively impacted her income, her mental health is horrendous and her 11 year old daughter has developed severe anxiety and OCD and is under CAHMS.

It’s so sad to see, she’s strong and tries her best to get on with it but I know deep down she wishes she hadn’t had another.

And to top it off, the child’s father left because he couldn’t cope due to his autism, he rarely ever has contact with him.

I couldn’t read your post and not respond because I just wanted to say that I am sure your genes were worth replicating. Autism is hard but I am sure you have many wonderful qualities (some because of the autism) and that you are deeply loved by your children. As someone with autistic genetics as well it’s hard not to mimic these eugenicist ways of thinking sometimes, they can be so embedded. But you are worthwhile and so are your children, and I am sorry the world doesn’t always see it that way 💐

I've talked with many young people who grew up in a home with an ND sibling. They felt like their needs were constantly shuffled. They had no rights to privacy or their needs were totally ignored. Your DD comes first.

As a mother of a very severely autistic dc, I absolutely understand your decision.

If I could turn back time, I would do the same.

People who haven't experienced bringing up a severely autistic child have no right to judge.

It can be hell.

Your posts are clear. You keep repeating the same statement over and over so it's hard to misinterpret.

You've riled yourself up into a tangle and could just say that you misunderstood the OP and apologise.

I’m sure you can find some already if you’re so inclined to search. It’s totally fine for a woman not to want to have a disabled child, and a woman not wanting this is neither unusual nor controversial.

’Something never said to wheelchair users’ - have you ever bothered to ask any?

You don’t have to read and engage with the thread if it bothers you. You don’t however get to dictate what other people choose to make threads about. Your sensitivities are for you to manage.

I'm glad my posts are clear to you 👍

What more do you want from me?

To stop haranguing the OP for something she never said and, in fact, said the opposite.

I also think you should apologise to her but I can see that's too much to ask for.

You show me the person speaking to wheelchair users like that, and I will give them a firm telling off. Unacceptable behaviour.

We're trying to, as a society, move on now to disability acceptance. If you think it's alright to go around saying 'i'd never want this disabled mans disabled kid, omg' then shame on you.

🤢

I would agree and would not. I grew up with a highly functioning autistic father. He wasn’t diagnosed and it’s not acknowledged within the family particularly my mother although it is obvious. My siblings& I have not inherited it however the impact having a parent with no social skills or cues and communicates by yelling and demanding has MASSIVELY impacted me as a kid and now adult. It was a difficult home especially during teen years and I don’t have a good relationship with him now

She didn't say that, she said I already have a child and the more I think about my partner and his needs, the more I don't think I want a child with similar needs as it will affect me badly and my daughter.

It's very common for people to have a child or two children and then not go further because of worries about the quality of life of their existing children.

I don’t see the point of moving him in/continuing the relationship when you want to have another child and don’t want to have one with him…
Its kind of an irreconcilable difference really, because you’re saying he is good enough for some aspects of your life but not good enough to have a child with, does he know that you see his autism as a serious flaw?
My DH and I are NT, our eldest is Autistic, middle child is NT as I suspect our youngest is neurodivergent as displays some similar traits to our eldest.
I suspect that the neurodiversity is present in both sides of our families, but the individuals are undiagnosed due to ages etc
Interestingly they are the most successful, energetic, focused people within the bunch.

I would worry more about a large age gap between the siblings rather than a possible Autism diagnosis, but then I think my neurodiverse child is one of the best people I know and would hate anyone thinking he wasn’t good enough to have children with.

Is that supposed to be an intimidating prospect?

Disability acceptance, which means providing support for those with disabilities, is entirely different to expecting women to readily want to embrace the risk of their child being disabled, and castigating them for, very reasonably, take the steps available to them to avoid it.

I have recently been diagnosed at 49, both my children are On the spectrum.
i would not have knowingly had children with this outcome based on my experience.

Autism runs in my family - sibling is autistic, mum clearly AuDHD.

I've chosen not to have kids for that reason - it's not worth the risk and I don't want a kid enough to risk having an autistic kid - wouldn't put either the child through that life themselves, or me, because I don't think I would cope with it. It would be pretty likely to happen and honestly, our childhood was a bit of a shitshow.

My autistic sibling had a horrible teenage period and is still struggling 25+ years later. As siblings, it impacted every tiny bit of our life and we are all carrying trauma from the experience, and were totally not validated or acknowledged in any way.

I think you're doing the right thing prioritising your daughter. Don't feel ashamed or guilty - this decision is yours and yours alone.