AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

I really identify with this, sorry your mind is like this, it's horrible.

I have a disabled child. I would have her as she is, in any lifetime. I would choose her over and over.

I adore my autistic child but it is also the hardest thing I have ever done. I have no judgement for those who weigh the cost and make an informed decision.

Perfectly valid to minimise your risk.
Anyone offended can fuck off. They won't be helping you raise your child.

I don't have autistic kids, as it happens. But my aunt- in another country- does. He's now an adult, bigger than her and hits her regularly. She has no support at all, and no life. Her husband passed away a couple of years ago so its just her and her abusive six foot 2 son.
Autistic kids aren't always cute and loving.

Well, either of them is free to end the relationship if they want. She's not holding him captive.

And that's fine, but it doesn't place any obligation on anyone else.

I'm not judging you. I just hadn't thought that far ahead.

You have every right to decide if another child works for you and what the risks are.

That's your choice, surely @yourSUGAMAMA
OP is entitled to make her own choices. She doesn't need to have kids so others aren't offended.

I wanted to minimise my risks so I had kids young, with a NT man my age, and did every pre-natal screen I could.

He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother

Considering he knows how different his childhood was for him, from other children, and in addition, that his parents must of struggled awfully, it is a bit selfish of him to want a child.
He couldn’t have been happy to have been sent away but his parents had to because they were exhausted. There is a higher than normal chance that his child will suffer the same as he did.

Deleted as posted twice.

Yes this.

@CornishDaughteroftheDawn I do know a couple of people with Asperger’s or autism (undiagnosed due to their age)

No, you don't know that those people have Asperger's or austism, because as you just said, they are undiagnosed.

and there’s no way they could deal with being parents.

It is not correct that people with these conditions cannot be parents.

I'm autistic and have an autistic child. I can understand this as a parent. As an autistic person it would be so hurtful to know that was the reason someone didn't want a child with me. I can't think of anything that could soften the blow.

My children were nightmares when under the age of 16 and I adore them completely more than anything but they have literally aged me 40 years over what I really am due to lack of sleep, dealing with behavioural issues, learning all the things I had to to parent them and basically change the way I think and feel to manage life for them and also put myself on the back burner and ALSO dealing with an autistic partner when you have children because they don’t cope, don’t help and frankly make life a million times worse and you end up basically parenting them too!!

dont put your current child through it or yourself through it

Oh for heavens sake, have you read her post?

It’s a difficult decision. I have one diagnosed in childhood and two probably undiagnosed adult children. I also work in a school
for pupils with autism. I can honestly say that a high majority of the parents are probably undiagnosed too. The difficulty is that you just don’t know “how autistic” a child with him is likely to be. Only you can decide on whether this is a risk you want to take. I do feel you need to be honest with him though.

If you want to put your DD first then be with someone kind patient with excellent morals. NT men often don’t.

But that's what I've said - leave him

Noone is forcing the op to have his kid or be with him

But maybe don't have kids if you wouldn't want a disabled one - any kid could be disabled, that's life

I'm not telling her to have his kids

I am advising her not to have kids, since she feels this way about a child with autism - there is a difference.

Anyone can be a parent obviously. It's a biological process. The question is can they meet the needs of a child adequately and not impose an unhappy childhood on their child? Because from how the OP has described her DP, he doesn't sound like he can and to be honest I don't really give much of a shit about whether some adult really wants to be a parent when it's the child who suffers. If you can't leave the house due to social anxiety, can't cope if your plans change, can't have a conversation with someone without speaking monotonously over them, can't cope with noise, have regular meltdowns and lose control of your emotions, please please don't have kids.

People keep saying this. Yes their autism might not be bad, may be mild etc. Equally they could have a child with the most severely disabling autism… that’s her point. If she could predict they would only be mildly affected she’d have the baby but she cannot predict that. It could be far far worse than anyone imagines.

Higher than normal, yes, but that on its own isn't very informative. If it doubles the risk and the risk is small to start with, then the result is still a small risk. Perhaps the OP should try to get significant numbers.

Does anyone WANT their child to be born disabled? You grow to love them and want them as they are but I don’t think anyone gets pregnant thinking they’d like their child to be disabled and be totally chill with it.

That's why she has to try to get information on probability.

Actually she can.
Most people wouldn't be over the moon at having an autistic kid. OP has just been honest about it. If she did have one, I expect she would love him or her, as do parents of autistic kids on this thread.

But pretending that parents are very keen on having ND kids is just virtue signalling.