AIBU is my husband mean?

[LRA89]

Just wanting honest opinions on this. My husband went away with work for a couple of days so I had our 2 and 3 year old daughters by myself which is fine, it went okay. I worked at the beginning of the week and stayed late to catch up, and on the whole I do a lot of the childcare. So this evening I had booked a show and I’ve been looking forward to it for weeks, it was a live stream of a live theatre show if that makes sense, so all at home but has the same start and finish time, no rewinding! I don’t really have time for hobbies at the moment and rarely do anything for myself. Despite my husband having the afternoon to himself as I was out with the kids at a birthday party, he effed up bedtime so much I had to come and help him (both kids screaming). I then missed my show. When I got upset my husband text me “sometimes you don’t get to watch what you want”, and when I said angrily “maybe don’t go away overnight so much” he replied “if you stop getting takeaways and cinnamon buns for breakfast I wouldn’t have to work so much”. Almost personal and trying to shame me. I’m starting to get a bit of a sinking feeling that my husband is actually not all that nice to me. He’s not always this grumpy, but it made me realise he doesn’t get the mother’s load and never will. Thanks all x

He sounds like a complete arse. What are his redeeming qualities?

He sounds selfish

What he said was unkind but do you get a lot of takeaways etc? It soon adds up, is he worried about money?

There’s a thread atm about a resentful breadwinner, seems to be very common.

Ignore his comments.

Yes, a bit specific in the course of a quick flare of argufying.

This is going to keep happening if you always bail him out when he can’t ‘cope’ with normal parenting. Jeez what an ick. A man who can’t put two kids to bed without chaos. You should’ve carried on with your plans regardless. Let him sit in it.

And yes, he’s an arse who doesn’t respect you.

In answer to the questions about takeaway I get maybe 1-2 a month? Yes he’s always worried about money, but we are fine, I think it’s his mindset from a working class background which I understand. However he drinks beers weekly so spends way more! (I don’t drink). But these are separate issues I have no idea why he brings such specific things up in unrelated disagreements.

Get headphones so when you watch a show you are oblivious to him messing up bedtime. He clearly needs more practice if he can’t put his own kids to bed.

Should have let him deal with bedtime and watched the show instead of bailing him out

Interesting not heard of this … but yes breadwinner resentment then when they have the kids they just sit on their phone and can’t wait to hand them back 😅

Let me guess-how did he make his children cry at bedtime- by rushing them and not respecting their feelings and stage of development ? Just like he is brushing off your needs, not respectful of your feelings and current situation as an unpaid child care worker doing their best. He needs to deal with this in a kind and caring way.
He has made it into a personal attack unnecessarily because he’s trying to shame you and shut you down. tell him it’s time to talk openly and honestly without shaming anyone and before diverting to takeaways-sort out the issue at hand -that you are facing no down time and need a break.

Your mistake was being in the house.

This.

He sounds selfish.

What do you think your options are?

Agree he’s bringing things up to make you out to be the bad person and deflect so he makes you feel guilty and question yourself.

His comments were unkind.

I would have left him to it for bedtime though. Did he ask you to miss your show? If you had had both dc screaming while he was away you'd have had to cope solo, he can do the same.

He brought up the other stuff like takeaways because he knew he'd messed up bedtime with his own DC, and knew he'd messed up your planned night watching a play.
I had one like this - would attack me every time he'd messed up.
Next time, don't go to his aid.
Start making him do bedtime on his own - start with one night a week - and don't help. Take yourself out of the house. Until he can manage his DC - it really should be a given for a father in this day and age.

Honestly it’s hard to say from this but if money’s tight you need to rein in the buns and coffee except as an occasional treat. Then he won’t be able to throw that one at you!

This time with very young children is exceptionally challenging, you are likely to have plenty more situations like this. The only way it will work is if you support each other and listen to each other.

So he can’t put his own children to bed without tears -so he attacks you for enjoying cinnamon buns ?! What a dick. Managing to upset absolutely everybody in one evening.

He sounds like a knob. He should also be able to put his own children to bed.

Why did you make it about him going away? It wasn’t, it was about effing up bedtime.

Had you explained about your show and its timing? Was he trying to sabotage you? Just being ineffective or lazy? What?

Ideally do bedtimes together sometimes, so you are both doing it the same way to make it easier for the kids (if you have different ideas, discuss that, but you have to come to an agreement). It is hard if kids are used to one thing, and someone else does it differently. That way he'll cope better-it's all very well having a go at him, but we all do things different ways, and I'd always ask if I was babysitting kids I don't usually-and you'll get peace to watch your show, and most importantly, the kids will be happier.
Also agree on a spending plan regarding food etc.

It'd be a cold day in hell before I denied myself a bun while my husband downed beers. OP works and does more than her share of childcare, she really doesn't need to do any more to appease her husband. Besides, if he wasn't moaning about her food, he'd find something else. He just wanted to have a go to put himself in the right after letting her down.

@LRA89 OP It's to distract you from the valid reason that you were annoyed.

He knows he was in the wrong and instead of admitting it, he throws something unrelated and irrelevant into the argument to avoid apologising.

Men who can’t parent their own children alone are deeply unattractive. He’s being vile to you because he knows he’s totally in the wrong so he’s deflecting. I couldn’t be with someone like this.

I do wonder what your husbands version of this and then what is the actual truth from both sides