AIBU is my husband mean?

[LRA89]

Just wanting honest opinions on this. My husband went away with work for a couple of days so I had our 2 and 3 year old daughters by myself which is fine, it went okay. I worked at the beginning of the week and stayed late to catch up, and on the whole I do a lot of the childcare. So this evening I had booked a show and I’ve been looking forward to it for weeks, it was a live stream of a live theatre show if that makes sense, so all at home but has the same start and finish time, no rewinding! I don’t really have time for hobbies at the moment and rarely do anything for myself. Despite my husband having the afternoon to himself as I was out with the kids at a birthday party, he effed up bedtime so much I had to come and help him (both kids screaming). I then missed my show. When I got upset my husband text me “sometimes you don’t get to watch what you want”, and when I said angrily “maybe don’t go away overnight so much” he replied “if you stop getting takeaways and cinnamon buns for breakfast I wouldn’t have to work so much”. Almost personal and trying to shame me. I’m starting to get a bit of a sinking feeling that my husband is actually not all that nice to me. He’s not always this grumpy, but it made me realise he doesn’t get the mother’s load and never will. Thanks all x

You should’ve left DH to it for once and enjoyed your show. ( I say that but I probably would’ve struggled to enjoy it too). He didn’t ask for yoir help
though; you chose to.
What fraction of the family money do you earn compared to your husband? Are you are you’re comfortable financially? Why is he complaining about you spending on takeaways twice a month?
Is he using alcohol as a coping mechanism?

Parenting young children is hard and to have to look after a 2 and 3year single-handedly outside the house sounds like a nightmare. Why didn’t you go see your nephew on your own?
On the bus, could you share dp each has one child?

He is sounding mean. 1-2 takeaways a month is nothing. Yet he’s drinking beers which I’m sure costs the same, if not more. Horrible that he flung that at you when clearly you’d agreed some downtime to watch a live stream. I’d have been absolutely raging at him tbh. Hope you’re ok xx

I feel mixed on this one.....I think perhaps what's started it is you saying about him working away so much first. That seems to have made it personal and he's then retaliated by throwing the buns and takeaways thing at you, which also isn't ok. I agree with what others have said about leaving him to it, but that's easier said than done when you can hear your little ones absolutely losing it in the same house you're sat in and the parent supposed to be dealing with it isn't/can't, so I also understand why you went up and interfered. I think what's probably important is what happens next and the wider patterns. If it was said in the heat of the moment I don't think I could get too worked up about it, if it's a pattern then maybe you need to talk.

I actually suspected the same.

@LRA89 you said he's not normally like this? He sounds like he's a bit checked out of family life and deflecting issues back at you - is that recent?

Has he suddenly started being away for work a lot?

Maybe you need to check his phone...

YABU to comment about him going away for work, unless it’s completely unnecessary and he somehow just chooses to be away without it being a job requirement, which would be a massive drip feed.

You should have let him deal with the kids, although I appreciate it’s difficult to hear them crying and not intervene.

He's unlikely having an affair. Sounds to me like two parents, both working hard, both tired, a dad who's trying his best to provide for his family, and a mum who wants everything perfect and can't help but step in if dad falters even a tiny bit. Give him a chance, he's reflecting it back at you about the breakfasts because he feels bad it didn't go as well as he hoped putting the little ones to bed. It's not easy and takes practise. At least he was willing to give it a go. If you're there and in the house it makes it weird that you don't help so more likely the kids play up- not the same as if you actually went out with some friends etc.

Should never have come to his rescue at bedtime.
Leave him to handle the children more and he will improve.
Both sit down and examine the household budget before resentment takes over.
Can you all do without some treats and husband work one less overnight shift?

Absolutely 100% fuck this off OP, he can’t be arsed to be a parent or a partner and will break down your confidence day by day while you stay with him. I’m not typically a LTB poster but yours has all the markings of a manipulative man child who can’t handle himself so projects onto you

Who knew the simple delight of a cinnamon bun could be used to such lethal effect!

It is hard to say OP. The way he behaved was unkind and it must have been very annoying to miss your show after the week you have had. But, without knowing more, most relationships do have the odd cinnamon bun comment here and there. There are probably more shaming things that get said in arguments!

Caught your update.

This does sound like a bad patch. He sounds worried about money op.

What's his problem? That's what needs an answer, which could be, "I disgaree with the money you spend on two takeaways and some buns a month, out of your own salary". Seriously weird. Or, "I don't expect to take on solo parental responsibility for a second", especially if you are having down time". That'll be it.

Apologies are worth nothing, when is he next supporting you to do something for yourself? That’s what counts.

Something is suspicious with him having a go at you and giving you the silent treatment

Your marriage will end in divorce, so best to start looking into that sooner rather than later. Get your legal situation in order.

Your only other hope is to drag him to relationship counselling. He might realise what a dreadful arsehole he is if someone else points it out to him.

This is why I refuse to have time out at home. I go out for any time I need

Id be checking all bank accounts and credit card bills/phone bills. This sounds like the start of "the script" to me. Start getting your ducks in a row because this is the tip of the iceberg of shit with him. If you say you're financially ok then he's spending on something, be that drugs, gambling or another woman

“At least he’s willing to give it a go…”? Jeez talk about low bar. They are his own kids!!! He is a grown adult and equally responsible for parenting - it’s not a ‘willing to have a go’ situation.

Have you read the update? He’s basically a useless waste of space. I’m the first one to champion dads but Op and her kids would actually be much better off - in every way - without this loser.

People often say things in anger when a nerve has been hit.

What do you want to do going forward from this? Is there any way he would be willing to pulling his weight more? Is there a way to help ease financial worries so he wouldn't have to go away so much and be more present/useful? Can you sit down and discuss things calmly?

Typical , he knows he was in the wrong and tries to make it about you .
I don’t think I would’ve said to him not to work away overnight so much though because that was a work trip and not for leisure .
I’d say “ well you’ve had the afternoon to yourself , so you ought to manage the kids so they don’t interrupt something that I scheduled for myself “
I wouldn’t stop treating yourself to a bun and coffee ,and next time you schedule something actually go out so you don’t step in to help with the children .

You need to tell your DH that if he doesn’t want a bad reputation, he shouldn’t act like an arse.

If he behaves decently, then people will speak of him as a decent man.

If he’s moody and bad tempered and unable to parent his own children, then people will say “he’s a moody, bad tempered man who is unable to parent his own DC.”

His actions prove who he is, so why doesn’t he act as he wants to be perceived?

He’s expecting rewards and glowing reports when he’s acting like an incompetent twat 🤷‍♀️

Yes, he is. Though 'mean' is probably not the best way to describe him.

Sounds like you need to sit down together and work out what's making you both resentful of each other. You seem narked that he had to go away for work, he seems narked at money spent on takeaways. Are these just symptoms of both of you struggling with juggling family, work and self? It can be a tough act, and even more so when you seem to be working against each other, rather than pulling together as a unit. Do funds and babysitting options stretch to time out as a couple, where you can have some fun together and also talk about how you're both feeling? If you don't address the current situation, it won't go away. Best of luck in sorting this out together.

I was married to one of these.

I made the decision to leave and divorce. I realised after 18 years that things would never change.
the weaponised incompetence, the selfishness and the demands he put on my life were unfair and unequal that was suppose to be a 50/50 partnership. Since leaving, I actually have less to do being a lone parent and only need to consider my 2 children.

because I left, HE was the victim according to him and his friends and family. I was the one in the wrong and did him an unfair injustice. However, I stayed strong and held my head up and moved on. Yes I felt guilty at times, and wonder whether I did the right thing, but I do know deep down, I couldn’t have stayed and continued being the only parent in the marriage, the only one that cooked, cleaned, did school runs etc. yes he worked 4 days a week and was the main breadwinner; however, I worked 5 days in a school and so I always had the kids before/after and others’ kids during the day.
on his day off he never did anything to help out either.
so think about your life and how you feel in the marriage, and if you’re not happy, try to address it, and if nothing changes then make a decision.
the only mistake you made was staying to bail him out and he knows this! I was the exact same.
sending hugs.

He should be absolutely ashamed of himself. You have every right to vent. If he's upset about his reputation it's on him for doing it. I honestly dont know where you should go from here but he is showing you absolutely no respect.

I think a huge part of it is that a lot of men in general do not value childcare, and as such think it must be easy. Then when they realise they can't actually do it ( screaming kids and chaos) they realise how inadequate they are that they can't do something as 'simple' as look after small humans and hit out. Rather than face it, own it and learn how to do it (like most mums have) they decise it must be someone else's fault. In your husband's case, your fault because you eat buns.

The original argument I’d have said is normal bickering with working parents, young kids. My kids are a similar age, and it’s tough, we sometimes snap at each other. But the going through your messages isn’t okay, big invasion of privacy. Have you managed to have a chat about it since?