AIBU is my husband mean?

[LRA89]

Just wanting honest opinions on this. My husband went away with work for a couple of days so I had our 2 and 3 year old daughters by myself which is fine, it went okay. I worked at the beginning of the week and stayed late to catch up, and on the whole I do a lot of the childcare. So this evening I had booked a show and I’ve been looking forward to it for weeks, it was a live stream of a live theatre show if that makes sense, so all at home but has the same start and finish time, no rewinding! I don’t really have time for hobbies at the moment and rarely do anything for myself. Despite my husband having the afternoon to himself as I was out with the kids at a birthday party, he effed up bedtime so much I had to come and help him (both kids screaming). I then missed my show. When I got upset my husband text me “sometimes you don’t get to watch what you want”, and when I said angrily “maybe don’t go away overnight so much” he replied “if you stop getting takeaways and cinnamon buns for breakfast I wouldn’t have to work so much”. Almost personal and trying to shame me. I’m starting to get a bit of a sinking feeling that my husband is actually not all that nice to me. He’s not always this grumpy, but it made me realise he doesn’t get the mother’s load and never will. Thanks all x

enjoy your buns and whatever else you like whenever you like 😊
you do alot of hard work as a mother you deserve it all
ignore him whenever he talks like this again.

Update on the husband. Sorry this is probably a really boring ranty thread but I don’t really have anyone else to talk to. So today was bad again. We bickered getting the kids out the door (standard) to go in to town and I apologised, but he kept his bad mood up all day and gave me silent treatment. We met my nephew in town for his birthday and I took him off shopping as a treat. The whole time my husband is messaging me to say hurry up, the kids are driving him nuts. I messaged my sister to say I was feeling sad because my hubby was in a bad mood and it was making the day difficult. So when we get the bus home I’m sat downstairs with the buggy and my husband is with our kids top deck. I go upstairs and he has unlocked my phone and is scrolling it, and sees I have messaged my sister about him and now he’s even more grumpy. He says I make him unhappy. And quizzes me on what I’ve spent on my nephew. Rather than ever get to the crux of his feelings he deflects deflects deflects. I have never scrolled his phone. I feel really weird like a bit violated now, and I’m sorry but all women occasionally reach outside the marriage to talk to their sisters about their feelings. I think he was actually embarrassed that his foul mood got out. Anyway rant over xx

He says I make him unhappy.
as pp previously said, his life working away is easy. There is zero parenting and no expectations on his time. When home he is also not parenting equally. He isn't ‘partnering’ equally either. Id guess he is wanting to leave you and the childfen and all that responsibility and expectation, and wants you to end it so he is the victim.

I've changed the pin code on my phone, so my DH can't access it, so I can rant etc about him, mainly to my mum.
He shouldn't have done that to your phone.
He's a grumpy, miserable bugger, who needs to improve his attitude!

What the absolute f**k does that have to do with the fact that he made her miss her one show then was a dick about it before going on to try and basically gaslight her into believing all this is her fault??? Your comment screams “What did YOU do to make him act that way” 😳😳😳

She works too…..

She works too. And is he to stop drinking beers too? Don’t be fucking ridiculous.

Because he doesn't actually care, he just wants to shut you down

Are you 100% sure your finances (both) are actually fine?

He either is just resentful or there’s something going on money wise you’re not aware of.

Sounds like weaponised incompetence ...
You should have put on headphones and watched your show he is capable of putting his daughters to bed.
As for the complaints about money,i think thats chaff and redirect.

Out of order scrolling through your phone.

@LRA89 you didn't respond about what his good points (if any) are?

OP says that money isn't tight, plus she works as well. I usually don't have all that much sympathy when a SAHM grumbles about their husband, but that clearly isn't the situation here.

Because he knows deep down he has been a bit of a dick. My husband has many amazing qualities but and it’s a BIG but, he is emotionally very immature. Mainly because of his mum and upbringing quite often I feel like I’m constantly hitting my head on a brick wall 🤦🏻‍♀️ but for me it’s worth the headaches from time to time. All I ever ask for is for him to show me the same understanding that I show him about his feelings because he expects me to have empathy and understanding but struggles to show it back. Gets very defensive instead of being like ‘you know what we don’t have to agree we can have differing opinions but your feelings still matter’. If you get me. So you know what these past few months because we’ve had quite a few stresses that come with a blended family along with having two toddlers of our own. He thinks he has been having text conversations with me for past 3 months about our stresses when in fact he has actually been having replies from chat gpt 🙈🤣🤣 and you know what it’s actually worked. Dunno what it is but it’s rewritten what I wanna say so he can not get defensive there is no room for it. I know it’s not prob for everyone but chat gpt at min is my best mate, marriage counsellor and advocate 🤣. The responses I get from hubby ain’t perfect but he really has made so much progress as a human being haha. And the best bit, chat GPT even slags him off with me when I’m pissed off 🤣🤣

This isn't normal.

I am a SAHM and DH works away/long hours etc. So I do get there is a dynamic of breadwinner vs main parent.

But DH is still a dad when he is not working, and has all the same responsibilities as I do (if not more during evenings and weekends, as it gives me a break).

If your husband doesn't want to parent, he needs to leave and pay CMS. He needs to acknowledge that is his shortcoming and to stop taking it out on you.

Why all the comments about money? How are your finances arranged? Has he got into debt that you don't know about?

He’s having an affair, he’s scrolled your phone as he’s projecting his own dishonesty. He’s being a shit to you to give reasons for his own behaviour.

Text book shite!

Why the laughing emoji? Your husband is a twat.

You shouldn’t have gone home to help, he’s their dad, he needs to learn. Every time he can’t cope, he just hands it over to you?

Sounds like a typical argument between stressed parents. I don't think anything said was mean. It's disappointing that you missed the show but unless he intentionally messed up bed time to spoil your night I don't see what he did wrong. I'd avoid planning special events in the home with young DC, get out of the house next time for a proper break.

When they start acting like this, saying they're unhappy, can't be bothered with the DC, moaning about money, this behaviour is often because they're looking to leave. Sorry OP, this was my experience.

Honestly it’s hard to say from this but if money’s tight you need to rein in the buns and coffee except as an occasional treat. Then he won’t be able to throw that one at you!

But op said money wasn't tight and he spends more on alcohol.

This time with very young children is exceptionally challenging, you are likely to have plenty more situations like this. The only way it will work is if you support each other and listen to each other.

This goes two ways. Op deserved some downtime but she wasn't respected.

He sounds like a Twat, who doesn’t like or respect you very much.

Him texting you telling you to hurry up because the kids are driving him nuts shows that he absolutely thinks they’re your job not his. Lots of men think like this unfortunately.

He sounds awful and it seems he brings nothing to the table. Do you actually want to be with this man for the rest of your life??