AIBU is my husband mean?

[LRA89]

Just wanting honest opinions on this. My husband went away with work for a couple of days so I had our 2 and 3 year old daughters by myself which is fine, it went okay. I worked at the beginning of the week and stayed late to catch up, and on the whole I do a lot of the childcare. So this evening I had booked a show and I’ve been looking forward to it for weeks, it was a live stream of a live theatre show if that makes sense, so all at home but has the same start and finish time, no rewinding! I don’t really have time for hobbies at the moment and rarely do anything for myself. Despite my husband having the afternoon to himself as I was out with the kids at a birthday party, he effed up bedtime so much I had to come and help him (both kids screaming). I then missed my show. When I got upset my husband text me “sometimes you don’t get to watch what you want”, and when I said angrily “maybe don’t go away overnight so much” he replied “if you stop getting takeaways and cinnamon buns for breakfast I wouldn’t have to work so much”. Almost personal and trying to shame me. I’m starting to get a bit of a sinking feeling that my husband is actually not all that nice to me. He’s not always this grumpy, but it made me realise he doesn’t get the mother’s load and never will. Thanks all x

Sounds like you’re both as bad as each other tbh.

@LRA89i had a ticket for the same show. It was really good, sorry you didn’t get to see it

Once the child is weaned, there is no reason for a "mother's load" as distinct from a "parent's load". Each of you should be doing your share of the parenting and share of the common household tasks, of course adjusted if one of you has a lot more time necessarily committed outside of the household (e.g., someone's job requires longer working hours, someone's a student, etc.) It's great to help each other out as you're able and fill in if, say, someone is ill or away, but overall the time commitment should be equitable and you should each end up with the same amount of "free time".

One thing I would do right away is NOT interrupt your pre-agreed-upon time away from child-/home-related tasks for anything less than a genuine emergency. You wouldn't have rushed home from the theatre or a dinner party because a child was tantrumming at bedtime in the other parent's care, so why interrupt your programme? Get noise cancelling headphones if necessary. Leaving the dad to handle things on his own is the only way he'll learn how to handle things, and he must.

Did you really need to intervene at bedtime? Especially for so long that you missed the whole show. The kids would have survived - I think you should have left him to it.

I suggest you read this thread, and the previous ones.

Its about a man who claimed his wife made him unhappy and he wanted his freedom but (BIG but) he wanted the kids 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance. Lets just say that he is now finding out just how much his wife actually did and how little he did. Now he is doing it all himself and it doesnt appear to going well! Very much a case of "be careful what you wish for". This seems to be your husbands mindset.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5572870-there-we-are-then-part-4-but-episode-278946-probably

You need to step back some evenings, when your husband isn't working away and let him manage bedtime. The more he does bedtime solo, the more he'll be used to doing it, and the more your children will realise Mummy isn't always available.

You both work, so therefore parenting and chores in the evening, should be shared. You're supposed to be a team.

If you'd physically gone to the theatre, you wouldn't have been there to step in or have known the children were playing up! So next time you decide to watch a show from home, tell your husband that you aren't available. Leave him to manage, because he would have done!

At least he's apologised but that doesn't make up for the lost show.

Going through my phone would be a huge deal breaker for me. How can you trust him?

He is incompetent with the kids, moody and I wonder how much of a breadwinner he is if you're also working? How much is the actual difference in salaries? How often does he cook if he resents two takeaways per month? Is he also eating them or offering to cook instead so the family can save money?

Ahh, nothing is more of a turn on than a man who doesn't know how to parent his kids and keeps track of what his wife spends and eats, then uses it to attack her. Please divorce him so he's back on the market, he sounds like such a charmer 😍

Anyway he's extremely controlling and abusive so divorce him xxx

Did you have to go and sort out him messing up putting kids to bed. Shut door and turn TV up.

You also have to get the bus with 2 toddlers in tow. Does this prince also not drive or own a car?

The ick is growing with each update.

Check his phone.

Sounds like he's starting to check out and finding ways to pull away/cause arguments.

I can see both sides here.

Don’t know why you all went up town tbh - I’d have went alone to meet my nephew tbh

he could have taken the kids to soft play or something more fun 🤷‍♀️

And you need to leave the house when you want a break in future - I always leave - even if it’s to just read a book in a cafe or go cinema alone or anything really just to avoid having to put kids to bed every night

he sounds like a knob though tbh and I’d really be angry in your situation

He sounds like a selfish cunt who doesn't like you very much and has zero desire to parent.

This is the obvious thing to do next time. Headphones 🎧 on and leave him to it.

Oh sorry I can't hear you! What was that? Sorry I still can't hear you...oh dear how sad, what a shame.

That is genuinely mean, horrible behaviour, and it’s rich of him to throw takeaways and cinnamon buns in your face as if he doesn't eat them too! I certainly wouldn't put up with that kind of shaming and disrespect—you need to have a good talk with him, stay firm, and make it clear that things have to change.

He sabotaged your evening and then twisted your behaviour to make it your fault. He's not mean. He's abusive.

So mean, incompetent and controlling...
Sounds like he's abusive to me.

I came on here to say the same thing.

@LRA89 how frequent are these nights away with work?

What a unique and interesting opinion 😂

I unfortunately agree with this, what's it called "willful incompetence"? He really was a shit saying that to you & ruining your evening, it sounds like it would have been lovely 💐

(As an aside I didn't know you could do that as an option so thanks I'll have to look into it, not helpful I know sorry!)

He is a very very nasty controlling piece of work.
He has utterly violated your privacy because he knows well he is a nasty pricknand wants to know have you told snyone.

Abuse thrives in secrecy.
Change the number pin asap.

Tell your family the truth.
He is a very nasty man.
He is abusing you verbally and you need support now.

What is thd housing, finances, work situation?
You need support, now.

Was his work trip a jolly? Or did he have to actually work? He sounds dreadful but you picked him. Do you work an equal number of hours? Or do you work part-time and therefore he takes on the financial obligations while you deal with the home obligations?

Personally I think being unable to get your own kids to bed without intervention is a damn sight more of a problem than buying a cinnamon bun. I get why you went to rescue him as it’s hard having children distressed but this is weaponised incompetence, deliberately being shit at something that you should be able to do, as an adult and a parent, because you know the other person more responsible person will bail you out. So back to things under your control, stop helping him. Set boundaries and expectations. Don’t accept crappy comments like that. And if he can’t cope with the shift from you as a pushover to someone who asserts what she wants then I’d suggest you start planning your exit. It’s not ok for him to behave like this. If he apologizes fair enough but if he can’t see that he’s at fault that’s a big problem.