AIBU to think this reaction from a friend is bonkers? (and also insensitive)

[ChasingMars]

Backstory, I have a close friend, let's call her Abbie Scott for ease. We exchange WhatsApps daily, general chatter, have a great day etc. DH also kniws her well, they got on brilliantly, to the extent we are all planning a big holiday together next year.

Saturday morning DH has my phone as he's using it to post stuff on Vinted. Message comes through from Abbie, good morning, happy weekend etc. DH replies with 'good morning Scottseroonie' or similar daft appropriation of her surname.

I follow up with 'sorry that was DH' laughing faces and then a typical reply and mention that today is rough as I'm taking the youngest to uni. We have talked about this at length over the last few months and she knows I have been really struggling with the idea of an empty nest and has expressed sympathy.

I don't get a reply for 6 hours, a reply then comes through just as I have got in the car after dropping DS off, so accept I was pretty emotional, but I was genuinely stunned by this reaction...

'Not funny. Please do not use my surname in this way. It landed badly ChasingMars'

A few minutes later another message saying..

'I hope DS got there ok and settling in'.

Which felt like an afterthought.

I replied with an apology and said DS was fine but I was struggling.

No replyintil the following day when she sent 'I hope today is a better day for you'.

AIBU to think this is both a bizarre reaction and completely insensitive timing??? And that I should expect better from a really close friend when I'm going through something really tough for me?

How weird. Is her surname an unusual one or one that is open to people saying stupid things? Is there a possibility of her having been teased or bullied through it at some point.
One the face of a very strange and extreme reaction from such a close friend. Don’t let DH reply to your messages again! 🫤 If you feel the need maybe get him to message her himself and apologise.

Maybe she had a bad experience with the surname, such as it being used by bullies, or a relative who goes by that name she doesn’t like. Whatever the reason she was firm, clear she doesn’t like it, and maybe needed a bit of time to reset. It’s unfortunate timing that your husband was the one to pick up the phone then. You’d be a bit unreasonable to hold it against her - and I think it’s best to just move on.

The surname thing is weird but she was probably just more annoyed your husband didn't say it was him and not you, when she'd messaged you.

The Uni thing doesn't sound too bad as she has enquired more than once and let's face it, what else can she really say about a kid going off to university?

It's a little weird but her reaction was hardly that over the top, it's not like she went crazy at you. She just said it wasn't funny to her. A little awkward but nothing to dwell on, just move on.

Your husband replying on your phone is annoying. Making a weird joke with her surname is also annoying. It pissed her off and she reacted.

Not unusual and I'm not aware of any teasing, bullying etc. She is quite a bit older than us. DH makes silly nicknames for everyone close - for him it's affectionate.

I have no problem with her telling us this isn't ok, for me it was she sat on it all day, knew, Iwas going through something rough, and still chose to send it. The stark nature of thd message and the timing really upset me.

How long have you known her? Is she sensitive or touchy generally?

Is the surname one that is in any way 'unfortunate' so she may have had unwelcome jokes about it before?

It does seem odd but also like she wants to move past it, so I'd be inclined to raise my eyebrows and get on with your friendship as before, with a mental note to avoid any kind of friendly teasing or ribbing with her.

I’m with you, bonkers reaction.

I have a surname that provokes jokes, I still think it was an odd reaction given what you have posted.

I think you probably have to speak to her about it, find out why she was so upset.

Of course she still chose to send it.

Your child is going off to university, not had a terrible accident or something.

It sounds to me as though your husband creeped her out a bit by being overfamiliar and not admitting it was him rather than you, who replied to her text.

I understand this and as I said no problem with being told no, please don't do this. The timing hurt, the 'telling off' nature of the message hurt.

If she has said ' sorry but could you ask DH not to use nicknames, it's something that really bothers me" I think I would feel different

Does she like your husband?

I have a friend whose partner I can’t stand and him answering on her behalf, or being over familiar, would really annoy me.

I've known her 6 years,,DH the same, regularly stayed for weekends, DH knows her very well and they've teased, joked in the past, so he had no reason to think he was doing anything triggering

Yes they get on incredibly well, she's invited us on holiday with her

Yes, sensible advice

Well yes I realise a child having an accident is worse, but I don't feel the need to apologise for feeling emotional after 26 years of having 4 children at home and feeling a bit empty and sad now the last one has gone!

She was allowed to say what she did, and you taking your child to uni is irrelevant. Stop making it about you.

If find it incredibly disconcerting if my friend's husband replied to my message. I consider my messages to friends to be private. I never look at other people's phone messages, and I'd be furious if they looked at mine. I wouldn't have dreamed of answering my late husband messages, nor he mine. So I'm guessing it's not just about the silly name.

I agree with this. It sounds like you're both very sensitive? I get the empty nest thing but I certainly wouldn't expect friends to be tiptoeing around over it. Think about it, your feelings around your kid going to uni aren't going to vanish overnight so when could she have brought it up? It would be a weird if she waited months wouldn't it?

I would be annoyed if I messaged my friend and her husband read it and messaged me. She may now think if shes ever messaged you something personal that your husband may well have read it too when it wasn’t for him. She may think he routinely reads your messages when she thinks they are private.

If you've known her six years, are all close, and have previously had jokey teasing between you all before with no issues, honestly I'd want to ask her why that particular text upset her so much.

I'd wait until you're actually together just the two of you and speak to her about it, from the angle of "I felt really bad that it upset you and want to understand better so DH doesn't put his foot in it again".

I think the timing thing is a red herring, you being sad at dropping your DS off at uni doesn't outweigh her own upset (for whatever reason it was)

Blimey op. This is over sensitive in the extreme. Your kid going off to uni isn’t some major devastating life incident , you can speak to them daily and see each other regularly.

your friend was polite, she told you her boundary, accept it and don’t make it all about your kid going to uni.

AIBU to think this is both a bizarre reaction and completely insensitive timing??? And that I should expect better from a really close friend when I'm going through something really tough for me?

You are being massively U

You are the one who is completely insensitive. She didn't like it, told you nicely immediately, perfectly reasonable.

I hope for her everything is not all about YOU all the time, she's allowed to have feelings, I'm taking the youngest to uni. yes you can be emotional, and she is obviously very supportive, but you are being so dramatic, it's not such a big deal that you can't be kind to your friends!

You are being over sensitive. Forget it and move on.

No-one's saying you need to apologise, just perhaps understand it doesn't put you front and centre stage, and that other people are still entitled to voice their feelings about their things.

Your husband was wrong to reply to a message she sent to you and not tell her it wasn't you replying.

I think that was possibly the trigger as now she'll be wondering who was reading/replying to some past messages.

being emotional is fine
being so selfish and insensitive to anyone else around you is not.

You started a thread to rant against a friend that you hurt (your husband via your phone), can't you really see how ridiculous you sound?

She told you it was hurtful, like an adult. How dare you be offended because she was hurt?

Can I ask how I was unkind? I apologised and haven't said anything to her about how it has upset me, or said anything sparky back?