AIBU to think this reaction from a friend is bonkers? (and also insensitive)

[ChasingMars]

Backstory, I have a close friend, let's call her Abbie Scott for ease. We exchange WhatsApps daily, general chatter, have a great day etc. DH also kniws her well, they got on brilliantly, to the extent we are all planning a big holiday together next year.

Saturday morning DH has my phone as he's using it to post stuff on Vinted. Message comes through from Abbie, good morning, happy weekend etc. DH replies with 'good morning Scottseroonie' or similar daft appropriation of her surname.

I follow up with 'sorry that was DH' laughing faces and then a typical reply and mention that today is rough as I'm taking the youngest to uni. We have talked about this at length over the last few months and she knows I have been really struggling with the idea of an empty nest and has expressed sympathy.

I don't get a reply for 6 hours, a reply then comes through just as I have got in the car after dropping DS off, so accept I was pretty emotional, but I was genuinely stunned by this reaction...

'Not funny. Please do not use my surname in this way. It landed badly ChasingMars'

A few minutes later another message saying..

'I hope DS got there ok and settling in'.

Which felt like an afterthought.

I replied with an apology and said DS was fine but I was struggling.

No replyintil the following day when she sent 'I hope today is a better day for you'.

AIBU to think this is both a bizarre reaction and completely insensitive timing??? And that I should expect better from a really close friend when I'm going through something really tough for me?

Your DH is weird to respond to a message addressed to you and then invent a nickname. Especially as a sign of affection! Weird, she probably thought he was being inappropriate

Does she have conversations with you that she wouldn't want your husband reading?
I would be more upset about that if I'd sent a close friend a message and received a response from their partner. I would have been wondering how much access to her phone he had and whether he had read our conversations.

It is possible to debate without resorting to insults, you (should) know!

I think we should allow the OP to read all the comments and decide.

I hate it when couple share phones like that. If I'm sending a one to one message I don't expect it to be read or replied to by a different person. It's rude as fuck in my opinion.

Sounds to me like she's just narky. I would be really upset if a friend spoke to me like that.
I get your husband...mine is the same. Jokes about with my girlfriends and they all swoon over him, the handsome old devil.
Tell her not to be so flipping sensitive.

We had twins leave for uni creating an empty nest and I get you are a bit sad. But I do wonder if you are over reacting because of this.

And does he also answer messages they've sent to you, while not telling them it's actually him replying?

Because that's just creepy behaviour.

The whole thing feels like a storm in a teacup, but if it's bothering you then the only way to resolve it is to actually talk (in real life, not messages) to her. Explain your side in a non-accusatory way and ask her how she is/how she was feeling etc and figure it out together.

Pick up the phone and speak to her or arrange to meet her for a chat about this.
its a very odd reaction but texting back and forth, not clearing the air and letting this haunt you isn’t going to make it go away for you

If she gets upset about that she probably needs counselling. It’s really nothing to get upset about.

One could really say the same about the OP whose been 'struggling for months and talking at length' about her kid going to uni.

You say that your DH teases her a lot & it's reciprocal. Maybe it just isn't & whatever nickname he called her just tipped her over the edge?
So she was feeling sad that day as well as you. Nobody's sadness can really trump anyone else's. I would maybe try a face to face chat with her to get to the bottom of it.
Also empty nest is real and horrible but soon you will be in a different routine and enjoying your new life. Before you know it Christmas will be here and the chaos of family life will be back and you will be longing for peace. Take care of yourself 😊

She told you she wasn't happy which she is entitled to do and within minutes had moved on and made it clear she was thinking of you and by implication was not going to make any more of your comment. You might not understand why she was upset so you could ask her next time you see her if you really want to know. You are the the one making something more out of this when you don't need to. She did show awareness of this being a significant day for you.

She sounds a bit tightly wound tbh. And/or a bit lacking in sense of humour. This wouldn't bother me at all.

Some people don't like people making nicknames out of their surname she was just making you aware. With the awkwardness out the way she seems back to normal. Your partner was rude for calling her a name that she has not approved or asked you to use.

Does your DH text her a lot without you knowing? If he is so quick to reply to her without thinking, makes me think he talks to her and this is nothing out of the ordinary, which is why he just texted back forgetting it wasn't his phone? And she is upset because this was a close call? It just doesn't really make sense to me otherwise.

the post quoted WAS completely over the top to be fair 😂

Husband is a dick. She'll get over it. It's a molehill.

I would be really upset if a friend spoke to me like that.

She didn't speak to her like anything, though.

She said she didn't want to have her name changed in that way and then, in a separate message to show it was all done and dusted, asked about the OP's son going to university.

The OP has blown it out of proportion. Sometimes people unintentionally upset someone else and it's fine for them to say something.

Honestly, if the friend had posted, everyone would have told her she was fine to set a boundary and the OP's husband was a dick.

When I message a friend, no matter how close I am to her family members, I expect that it is her that is reading and replying. I appreciate that a message can pop up from me while someone else is using her phone - as in this case - but IMO it is not ok for your DH to reply no matter how close he is to to your friend - being close to someone and reading and replying to messages that were intended for someone else are separate things.

I have two friends that I realised were doing this when our kids were teens - ie letting their teen read and reply to their messages for them when they were driving / cooking etc. It changed how I communicated with them and meant that things I might have shared with them weren’t shared - because busy lives etc and so as time had moved on by the time I saw them in person, some sensitive things were then never shared. This, in my experience, can have an impact on how close someone feels to their friend. So I suggest this may be less about the nickname used and more about your DH reading and then replying.

TLDR people expect their messages to their friends to be read by them and replied to by them. Regardless of how sensitive this message was or wasn’t, it could well have unnerved her, and led her to believe that previous messages she sent to you could have also been read, and even replied to, by your DH

And yet you also have not explained why.

The OP's friend sent the message with the 'telling off' at a time she knew was going to be tricky for her friend. Do you not think the friend could have waited to speak to the OP or her husband about this? Could it not have waited until the following day, the day after the uni drop off? Why did she have an issue with it in the first place?

Or are you just determined to gaslight me?

Why is that wrong now?

Her reply to you was odd.

But perhaps she’s got something going on or the phrase triggered her. maybe the nickname came across as an insult to her - we don’t know the nickname used, so I may be wide off the mark.

in any case, and as others have stated, I’d be gutted if I realised my friend’s DH might be reading my messages to them. She probably finds that odd.

your reaction is all about you. About the timing. About your empty nest.

I get you’re upset. But maybe after these months of conversations about it, she felt she’d given you plenty of compassion and it was ok to respond as she did to something that hurt her.

my advice is to bollock your DH for his idiotic reply. apologise again to friend. Move on.

I think is very odd that your DH is not only reading, but replying to a message to you. If you were on a WhatsApp with your DH and her and her DH that would be different, but she should have a reasonable expectation of her message you is just that. You haven’t acknowledged or responded on this point.

I didn't say it was wrong.

But as it's a touch extreme and the OP expects so much more than her friend asking about it twice, then perhaps she's not the only one who could benefit from the therapy the PP was suggesting.

I had 3 kids go through uni but that didn't mean I didn't understand others were allowed personal feelings too.