AIBU to think this reaction from a friend is bonkers? (and also insensitive)

[ChasingMars]

Backstory, I have a close friend, let's call her Abbie Scott for ease. We exchange WhatsApps daily, general chatter, have a great day etc. DH also kniws her well, they got on brilliantly, to the extent we are all planning a big holiday together next year.

Saturday morning DH has my phone as he's using it to post stuff on Vinted. Message comes through from Abbie, good morning, happy weekend etc. DH replies with 'good morning Scottseroonie' or similar daft appropriation of her surname.

I follow up with 'sorry that was DH' laughing faces and then a typical reply and mention that today is rough as I'm taking the youngest to uni. We have talked about this at length over the last few months and she knows I have been really struggling with the idea of an empty nest and has expressed sympathy.

I don't get a reply for 6 hours, a reply then comes through just as I have got in the car after dropping DS off, so accept I was pretty emotional, but I was genuinely stunned by this reaction...

'Not funny. Please do not use my surname in this way. It landed badly ChasingMars'

A few minutes later another message saying..

'I hope DS got there ok and settling in'.

Which felt like an afterthought.

I replied with an apology and said DS was fine but I was struggling.

No replyintil the following day when she sent 'I hope today is a better day for you'.

AIBU to think this is both a bizarre reaction and completely insensitive timing??? And that I should expect better from a really close friend when I'm going through something really tough for me?

It is a bit of a strange reaction, but I don't think her message was rude/inappropriate, maybe the tone was a little harsh...but not something that I could get upset about given that she's otherwise been a good friend for several years.

I think you need to get a grip over the uni stuff. Of course it's an emotional time and you're upset, but it's not a reason for a friend not to express a bit of annoyance with you! It's not a 'I need special treatment' level situation. She's sent two messages re. him going to uni and that's perfectly reasonable.

As above, how was I unkind? I acknowledged and apologised. How is those selfish and insensitive?

I think she’s having an instinctive reaction to your husband answering her message, giving her a sense rightly or wrongly that there is not privacy in your message thread. She has reacted (perhaps overreacted).

You are also feeling sensitive and so are smarting a bit.

A classic ‘do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy’? scenario.

I follow up with 'sorry that was DH' laughing faces
So that implied that you thought it was even after she told you that she didn't think it was funny? Why did you had funny faces? That WAS insensitive.

As for the 6 hours, surely she's entitled to a life on Sunday too?

Also I think it's rude for your partner to use your phone and pretend to be you. She's entitled to her privacy when she texts you.

Was it really Scottseroonie? Or was it something that together with her actual name has some other meaning?

I'd find it creepy no matter how well I knew him.

I've known my best friend and her husband for almost 40 years, and he would never reply to a text I'd sent her.

Let alone not make it clear it wasn't her replying.

you are so angry you are starting a thread mocking her...

so fair enough you stayed pleasant to your friend (as you should) but can't you see how much you are over-reacting? It's your thread and state of mind that is unkind.

completely insensitive timing??? And that I should expect better from a really close friend when I'm going through something really tough for me?

Timing was after receiving the message, blame your husband for the timing.

What "better" would you expect: that she sucks it up and hide her feelings because the only important thing is your kid being away for a few weeks until the next holiday?

genuine question, if you are "devastated" for complete non-events and expect the world to stop, can't you see you will push your friends away?

Exactly. They've gone to uni not to war!

Maybe it was the actual suffix used?

The ‘-zerooni’ suffix could denote people from a part of Persia (Iran) like the Kazerounis/Kazeroonis who have tended to migrate, what with one thing and another. Perhaps she felt you/he were trivialising this or something?

You’ll have to ask her.

Yes, was it something like Ellis being Smellis?

Storm in a teacup - I have several friends going through genuine terrible times who I respond to swiftly and sensitively. I've had a couple of awful scenarios to navigate in my own life.

Your empty nest is a sign of a role successfully fulfilled and transition to the next stage - Congratulations! but, it's not a terrible thing that others need tip toe around.

I've a friend with an unusual name people make jokes about - they have zero sense of humour about it and always call out over familiarity around comments

Overreaction from her unless her surname is something people have mocked in the past so she’s sensitive. Hard to say without knowing the real name. Some common surnames get mocked for obvious reasons e.g Balls.

yes it is probably more being annoyed with your Dh, let it go - she seems to have moved on too

I’m wondering if the fact that your husband had access to your shared private messages has upset her, and she, for whatever reason, did not articulate that, failed to get that across? Also, I’m guessing the fact that he messaged her from your phone (without saying it was him) threw her off guard a little. For whatever reason, she needed to say something, but chose the safer option of saying it was about her surname, than the real issue. And could be feeling extremely vulnerable and exposed at the thought of your husband perhaps scrolling back through your shared messages. Some people are more private than others.

Good lord, I had to go back and reread the OP thinking I’d missed your child being seriously ill or something, not dropping them at uni. Get a grip.

It really depends exactly what your DH said for her surname.

also I’d find it an overstep if a friend’s partner answered a message I’d sent to them.

also. It’s just a child going to uni. No one died.

Stop messaging so much and stop your husband from messaging your friend

YANBU. Fgs don't go on holiday together.

It's weird, I couldn't be friends with someone this uptight, each to their own, but we just wouldn't get on, is she normally this uptight? Not necessarily with you, but does he offend easily from others?

Has it occurred to you that your emotionally reaction to your son going to university might be equally invalid to some people as her emotional response to having a reaction to being called a name she didn’t like.

Or you could accept you have your emotions and she has hers and hers are equally valid as yours.

It’s totally understandable to feel upset and lost.

But you’re asking for a lot of empathy from someone for something that’s natural. This is the kind of thing you mourn with your husband, your friend isn’t going to feel what you feel, nor is she going to feel sad vicariously like she would if you had a serious illness or death in the family.

Honestly, I think you’re both obviously sensitive people which works well to some extent but will also mean there are issues along the way. To me, a friendship that requires daily mundane interaction is odd and overly dependent. I don’t mean this unkindly at all but it strikes me that you may both have too much time on your hands.

Maybe it's something she's especially sensitive about? Maybe she just didn't like your DH calling her that? Maybe she was going through a difficult moment then too? Whatever the reason, she was right to say how she felt rather than letting it fester or dropping hints and now she's ready to forget it and move on. Just follow her lead and do the same

Things like this are better talked about face to face and perhaps with a bit of humour. Texts like this often don't land well. This sort of thing dosent happen if you chat on the phone .

This is the danger with messaging. You are ultra aware of your emotional state. You don't know what she had going on at that time. She might well of felt annoyed that she was messaging you and got a reply from your husband. That could of got her back up.
Maybe she's low on empathy for you feeling so emotional about your child going to uni. It sounds rather over dramatic to me.
You're feeling sad sure but to expect tactful messages because of what you're going through is over the top.
You're going through the same thing as many parents go through.
She was pissed off with the nickname and she told you so. You're unhappy with the way she worded her message. You're overly sensitive and overly critical I would say. Sorry to be harsh but you're being over the top.