AIBU to think this reaction from a friend is bonkers? (and also insensitive)

[ChasingMars]

Backstory, I have a close friend, let's call her Abbie Scott for ease. We exchange WhatsApps daily, general chatter, have a great day etc. DH also kniws her well, they got on brilliantly, to the extent we are all planning a big holiday together next year.

Saturday morning DH has my phone as he's using it to post stuff on Vinted. Message comes through from Abbie, good morning, happy weekend etc. DH replies with 'good morning Scottseroonie' or similar daft appropriation of her surname.

I follow up with 'sorry that was DH' laughing faces and then a typical reply and mention that today is rough as I'm taking the youngest to uni. We have talked about this at length over the last few months and she knows I have been really struggling with the idea of an empty nest and has expressed sympathy.

I don't get a reply for 6 hours, a reply then comes through just as I have got in the car after dropping DS off, so accept I was pretty emotional, but I was genuinely stunned by this reaction...

'Not funny. Please do not use my surname in this way. It landed badly ChasingMars'

A few minutes later another message saying..

'I hope DS got there ok and settling in'.

Which felt like an afterthought.

I replied with an apology and said DS was fine but I was struggling.

No replyintil the following day when she sent 'I hope today is a better day for you'.

AIBU to think this is both a bizarre reaction and completely insensitive timing??? And that I should expect better from a really close friend when I'm going through something really tough for me?

I honestly can't see any difference in tone between what she said and what you'd prefer she said. They're both saying the exact same thing to me.

She said that your husband's 'joke' landed badly. You're saying that her response landed badly with you. It's an incredibly minor thing. Move on.

I would be really pissed off if I messaged a close friend, and her husband replied from her phone as if he was her, and made fun of my name. It's like the two of you were laughing at her. Taking your child to uni is a bit sad, but she has asked you about it twice, what more can she do really? You're lucky she's done that. Your husband needs to learn some phone etiquette.

I’d be annoyed if DH replied because I would assume my messages are private

Without doubt this is about your DH replying to her private message to you, potentially having read up through the chat while he had your phone (tell him to download Vinted app to his own phone) and she’s was pissed off about it. Other people have their own stuff going on too. It’s not always about you.

The fact you are struggling with empty nest doesn't mean she has to take something that upsets her does it? I mean, if you're such good friends she should be able to ask without you thinking it's a bit of a pissing competition and your needs trump hers?
Sorry, you are coming over as a little sensitive and precious. She said her bit, she also sent you supportive messages and was listening to you before talk about it (and I presume kind and supportive then too) so it's not like she wasn't thinking of you. Friendship is a two-way street.

I think your husband was a dick, and she now probably feels like her privacy, as in the private messages between you has been breached. You are just focusing on your own feelings here, she hasn't ranted at you, but asked for this not to happen again.

Are you always this self absorbed? Whilst I felt sad dropping both my sons at University, I was also excited for them and focused on this.

I've had 3 kids go through Uni and other people were still allowed to be upset/annoyed at things.

This. I think from her perspective she probably thought it easier to focus on the surname to express some annoyance moderately.

This is where texts are useless. There's no nuance. You also don't know when she wrote the message. Sometimes I reply straight away but it gets stuck as reception patchy and only sends with the next one.

Arrange to meet up and stop dwelling. It will be fine in person.

I think her reaction was weird and ott.

I think the reactions you’re getting from people saying you’re weird for being emotional about dropping off at uni and having an empty nest are also weird.

I sometimes can’t fathom MN

That wasn’t the order of events though. Friend messaged op. Dh replied initially, with silly name, op then took over immediately, apologised for dh, in a jokey way, because it had been a joke, and carried on messaging in her usual way, detailing her difficult day. Then 6 hours elapsed before the friend replied, saying that she hadn’t found it funny. Massive overreaction by friend.

Your husband made a daft joke out of her name and she asked for that not to happen. That's all.

I'm a teacher. I've had childen ask for certain derivatives not to he used (by staff or other children); in had a friend when I was younger called Samantha who hated it being shortened to Sam and would tell people she was Samatha; i don't mind my name being shortened by friends or colleagues but don't like my HT doing it.

Its not a big deal to ask for someone to not make a nickname out of your name. Its just putting a boundary in place.

His comment landed badly with her; her comment landed badly with you. Call it quits and move on.

she didn't over-react, she simply reacted.
Maybe she was busy, maybe she took time to calm down before replying in calm manner.

It's weird it's the friend who acted like a reasonable adult who is being blamed here?

Lots of people saying her comment was unnecessary or OTT.

It doesn't really matter what other people think. She doesn't like it and she's within her rights to ask people to respect her name.

Otherwise, we'd all go through life tolerating any old shit just because someone else might think it was OTT to object.

People are allowed to have their own boundaries even if others wouldn't share them. It's fine.

Why the fuck is your husband reading and responding to your messages? I'd be pissed off with that. Team friend here.

”Really tough”. I am glad for you, OP, that you don’t have better perspective. May your troubles always be such little ones. Massively unreasonable. Massively.

Having an unusable surname i have always disliked anyone taking the mick through it. I don't find it funny, makes me feel uncomfortable and takes me back to being a kid. Anything else I can see as funny. Anything...Just not that

So I can see how she might be feeling

Maybe friend was busy for 6 hours? At work? With other friends? Shopping? Out in the countryside? Doing something interesting? People aren't always available to text all day.

This too. She knows now that he has full access to your messages, which means she’ll censor how she communicates with you, which may be upsetting given that you lean on each other so much.

It maybe wasn’t just what he said, but the fact he said it.

Yabu, you upset her but she still asj3d after you and your son.

Agreed.

You might well be right. I was mainly taking issue with the poster I quoted stating that the jokey apology from op to friend about her dh’s intervention came after the friend had already said she didn’t find it funny. It didn’t.

I wouldn’t have been happy with a friend’s husband replying to me on her phone but then again her husband is a moron she knows I can’t stand. I think generally if you text someone you don’t expect the message to be replied to by someone else. She could have been telling you something private. He shouldn’t have butted in. He should have passed the phone over to you.

Eeek I’d hate to text a mate and have her bloody husband responding!

I’d realise that nothing I sent to her was private. I think it’s a huge lack to respect from you and your husband.

And I’m actually surprised you and your husband thought it was ok not only read your messages but reply to them!

Maybe it’s that’s just me, but my friendship would never be the same.

I'm on your side OP. She had no need to send that. He sent a message and even if I was her and didn't love it, I wouldn't tell my friend. Especially if I knew they weren't feel great that day. She's over reacted and its pretty weird.

I agree. I wonder if your friend is a bit upset wondering what other messages she has sent you in the past, intended to be private for you, that your husband has read.

Also, the fact that your husband was joking round with her name and then you replied jokingly about it being your husband, might make her think you’re both making fun and laughing at her behind her back.