AIBU to think this reaction from a friend is bonkers? (and also insensitive)

[ChasingMars]

Backstory, I have a close friend, let's call her Abbie Scott for ease. We exchange WhatsApps daily, general chatter, have a great day etc. DH also kniws her well, they got on brilliantly, to the extent we are all planning a big holiday together next year.

Saturday morning DH has my phone as he's using it to post stuff on Vinted. Message comes through from Abbie, good morning, happy weekend etc. DH replies with 'good morning Scottseroonie' or similar daft appropriation of her surname.

I follow up with 'sorry that was DH' laughing faces and then a typical reply and mention that today is rough as I'm taking the youngest to uni. We have talked about this at length over the last few months and she knows I have been really struggling with the idea of an empty nest and has expressed sympathy.

I don't get a reply for 6 hours, a reply then comes through just as I have got in the car after dropping DS off, so accept I was pretty emotional, but I was genuinely stunned by this reaction...

'Not funny. Please do not use my surname in this way. It landed badly ChasingMars'

A few minutes later another message saying..

'I hope DS got there ok and settling in'.

Which felt like an afterthought.

I replied with an apology and said DS was fine but I was struggling.

No replyintil the following day when she sent 'I hope today is a better day for you'.

AIBU to think this is both a bizarre reaction and completely insensitive timing??? And that I should expect better from a really close friend when I'm going through something really tough for me?

I agree. Talk about kicking a friend while they're down.

Your husband shouldn’t have replied to her and he shouldn’t have made fun of her name. You shouldn’t have followed up with laughing faces because I’d be pretty annoyed as well.

She doesn’t have to soften the message and she certainly doesn’t have to say “sorry but”. If you offend someone you don’t get to police their language, timing or tone.

Tell your husband not to respond to your messages again.

I wouldn't be happy if a friends husband read my private messages to her and replied pretending to be her

She was just honest with you. She told you it wasn't funny to her and requested that you don't do it. I don't see any telling off here. Banter is only funny if everyone is laughing, after all.

You sent her laughing emojis, which may have come across that you weren't feeling upset today.

I doubt that the timing was deliberate.

Hope you manage to adjust to your child being away . I know it can be difficult for many people.

The majority on the thread think you were unreasonable. Perhaps reflect on that.

In my opinion, it’s not really a big deal, perhaps you were both having a difficult day. Let it go, don’t waste time overthinking it ( I expect some of it is displaced distress over your DC leaving ).

Also, tell your DH not to answer messages on your phone unless you ask him to. That would annoy me both as a partner and message recipient regardless of what he said.

I don't get it either but assuming she's otherwise sane and stable, just assume that she has her reasons and move past it. It sounds like she's been sympathetic to how you're feeling aside from that comment.

I sense that your very happy and jovial marriage and family grates on Abbie, OP.

You did not send the message, your husband did. Abbie could have waited to speak to you, or ideally your DH, about this in person if his chosen nickname had genuinely upset her. But she didn't. She deliberately chose a time and a method of contact that she knew would take the wind out of your sails that day.

Not a friend, in my honest opinion. Not unless she can explain it in a way that makes her intention sound plausible.

Exactly

How on earth did she kick a friend when she's down? Seriously?

Look, your husband set this in motion and she responded, after she would have guessed you’d have settled your kid in. That’s actually pretty thoughtful.

You can’t declare a day of you having all the emotions/feelings/issues - that’s not how life or friendships work. It’s not all about you and your feelings.

Your husband did something he thought innocent which actually upset her, perhaps get curious instead of disrespecting the fact she had an issue with it (its not for you to say if she does or doesn’t get to have an issue with it btw).

This. Why did he reply to your message from your friend on your phone? Bizarre.

No one is suggesting you need to apologise but, equally, not sure why your friend needs to tiptoe around you. It’s a sentimental issue, yes, but nothing had has happened for her to need to be sensitive around it.

This really.

I wouldn’t reply to a message meant for someone else. And if that’s not an established nickname then he would be well advised to consider what sensitivities someone might have before inventing a nickname.

Saying “it landed badly”’is fine.

I don’t think it would be reasonable of her to be upset for ages but maybe just give her some space and see how it goes.

I have a friend whose DH is in the habit of gently poking fun at everyone. At first it was funny & I'm quite happy to laugh at my self now and then. It can be anything from my maiden name to my job, to where I grew up - literally anything. I don't actually think he means to be unpleasant it's getting to me now. I have come to the point of dreading seeing him because I'm going to have to spend some of the evening laughing at myself because of his oh-so witty and amusing banter. I've never said anything but I can imagine at some point I will snap. Maybe in your friend's case this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

YABVU

Her first reply was to your H who had used your phone. So you don't need to be upset about that.

She gave suitable messages to you recognising that your child is moving away and that that is hard for you. She is trying to let you know that the rupture is not with you. Its possible that she is a bit peeved that you seem to be taking lightly something that is important to her, but she is still trying to maintain the relationship with you through her messages.

You don't really know why this is important to her, but it is. She has laid down a boundary that is important to her and you need to respect that.

Very much what @fashionqueen0123 and @Grumplechops said!

Unless she was also joking and you’ve misunderstood. If not, she’s a bit strange. I don’t have friends who tell me off.

Also the idea from pps that just because the OP is upset about her youngest leaving for uni means she has and has never had any other/‘proper’ problems is beyond ridiculous.

Jeez calm down, your reaction is also OTT 😂

Bloody hell. This post is an insight into the mind of the ego-centred paranoid.

Perhaps you coyld of rung her and explained about the husbands stupid comment.
Your child is moving on so why is that affecting her...its not.
Sorry all this empty nest misery is beyond me...be glad the kid has direction and no one will always behaviour how you expect.

yes, sorry, it didn't come across quite as I meant it in my head 😂

I found the OP quite funny, I was so careful not to be too sarcastic to stay "in the spirit of the site", it went completely the other way 😂

This. It's intrusive. Your DH is an idiot. Now she'll know her private messages have been read by him. That's horrible.

I also wonder if this is about your DH reaponding from your phone. I feel this crosses a boundary.

As @ToniBlair says...one of my best friend's husband used to be a nightmare for nicknames and personalised "word play"...and if you're in the mood for it and it's funny then it can be ok, but if it hits a nerve for whatever reason, then it's very uncomfortable.

Also your DH answering a message on your phone...ouch, I wouldn't really like that, unless it's a group chat, WhatsApp etc feels really personal between me and my friends.

Bottom line is none of us know what kind of day someone else is having, texts are even worse than emails for being devoid of nuance...so best that neither of you make a big deal of things this time, and it's all mended.

I think because you posted laughing faces your apology didn’t look serious, more like you both were laughing about her.
There might be a simple reason why she didn’t reply straight away e.g she was out somewhere or she wasn’t alone so she was briefly checking messages but wasn’t replying to them - I do this all the time.
So I think you are unreasonable about the time of her reply - she replied when she had an opportunity and acknowledged that you had a difficult day. What else?
And maybe she also had a difficult day but couldn’t told you the nature of her problem as she realised that your DH could read her messages. It certainly would make me more reserved in my answers.

By the way the nickname thing is very annoying trait of your DH so tell him to stop it with other people and keep it just for you.

added: and I would only raise it again if you wanted apologised in person and reassure her that it was just accidental one off.

Definitely do not go on holiday with her she's revealed herself to be a bit weird with how she reacted.

That said please instruct your dh if he must go on your phone he does not read messages from friends let alone answer them.