AIBU to think this reaction from a friend is bonkers? (and also insensitive)

[ChasingMars]

Backstory, I have a close friend, let's call her Abbie Scott for ease. We exchange WhatsApps daily, general chatter, have a great day etc. DH also kniws her well, they got on brilliantly, to the extent we are all planning a big holiday together next year.

Saturday morning DH has my phone as he's using it to post stuff on Vinted. Message comes through from Abbie, good morning, happy weekend etc. DH replies with 'good morning Scottseroonie' or similar daft appropriation of her surname.

I follow up with 'sorry that was DH' laughing faces and then a typical reply and mention that today is rough as I'm taking the youngest to uni. We have talked about this at length over the last few months and she knows I have been really struggling with the idea of an empty nest and has expressed sympathy.

I don't get a reply for 6 hours, a reply then comes through just as I have got in the car after dropping DS off, so accept I was pretty emotional, but I was genuinely stunned by this reaction...

'Not funny. Please do not use my surname in this way. It landed badly ChasingMars'

A few minutes later another message saying..

'I hope DS got there ok and settling in'.

Which felt like an afterthought.

I replied with an apology and said DS was fine but I was struggling.

No replyintil the following day when she sent 'I hope today is a better day for you'.

AIBU to think this is both a bizarre reaction and completely insensitive timing??? And that I should expect better from a really close friend when I'm going through something really tough for me?

No one asked you to apologise. However please understand that it’s quite strange to be expecting your friends to treat this timing as if something very sad has happened to your family.

That is what she said OP.

She did not sit on it waiting for timing to hurt you. This is paranoid. By your own account she has sent two messages acknowledging what you are going through.

And PPs who have pointed out that she may not have liked realising that your H reads your private messages, are onto a good point.

You are being incredibly over sensitive.

'Not funny. Please do not use my surname in this way. It landed badly ChasingMars'

"landed badly", is such a strange thing to say when talking about yourself, is she married, did her husband see the message? I'd only say something like that as a description of some one else's reaction, if it was me I'd just say I didn't like it.

no her reaction is really uncomfortable, it means you will hold off joking with her in the future

I suspect she won't be going anywhere near a holiday with a man who reads and replies to her personal messages, pretending to be his wife.

So the OP will have no need to worry about that.

It does. But maybe she felt it sounded less intense than, "It upset me."

More of a heads up than a complaint.

I think you've both overreacted in a way. She probably shouldn't have taken the joke so personally and understood that it wasn't meant to offend her. You probably shouldn't have expected her to treat you with kid gloves. When you mentioned you were feeling fragile after dropping off your child, she did express sympathy for your situation. I don't know what your texts are usually like, but there's not much more one could say at a time like that.

I'd try to let it go. You can ask her why the joke version of her name bothered her if you really must, but I'd probably just move on from here. It wasn't that big of a deal. If you want more support from her, start fresh with a new message about how you're feeling or suggest something you'd like to do to take your mind off it.

That very much depends on what relationship you have with your kids.
Both me and husband found it very tough when our kids went to Uni.

I'd be pretty upset if I knew my friends husband was replying to a message id sent her. Id think he is reading through our conversations. And the delay is probably her being thoughtful knowing you were dropping a kid off at uni. You are the one over reacting not her

Now…what did your husband really say? Because my guess is it wasn’t as pleasant a play on words.

it doesn’t really matter whether or not anyone meant offense, it was caused. Your friend stated her boundaries in a calm and rational way, then asked how you were.

She hasn’t done anything wrong, you’re making a mountain out of a molehill

Bit of a stretch, no?
And I don't think the suffix was ‘-zerooni’ – the OP says she's just used this name to illustrate, so quite possibly used a made-up suffix for the same reason.

Yeah but for all we know her surname could have been Dixon and he could have said hi Dixon-yerface

We really don’t know what the joke was

Its a polite way of saying ' that really upset me'. I don't find it weird phrasing at all.

Sounds like you were both having off days, perhaps she really wasn't in the mood for joking about that day, for reasons you don't know, it's also immensely irritating when other people reply on other peoples behalf without letting you know it isn't the person you thought you were talking too!

You were/are understandably extra sensitive and emotional given the empty nest business, it sounds like you have both overreacted a little bit to your husband being a bit annoying.

However, like someone else said her wording is very odd.

I don't think either of you were being particularly unreasonable but your husband was irritating and your friend was a little strange!

Maybe get the baby photos out, have a good old sob, and try and brush this one off as a difficult and emotional day.

Your husband was the one out of order. He was reading your PMs and answering not telling your friend that it was him, not you. She told you clearly what she didn't like about the message, that he misused her name. He offended her.

You've somehow conflated that with being sad your kid went off to uni and calling her insensitive and bonkers is you overreacting. Your husband offended her, she can say something about it. I think his responding to your texts and not identifying himself is really weird.

We have talked about this at length over the last few months and she knows I have been really struggling with the idea of an empty nest

If you've been in a funk for months about your kid going to uni, maybe get some therapy. She asked about him and you but that wasn't enough. 🙄

I get you. My youngest went to uni last week, it's at the other end of the country and I won't see them til Christmas. It's been a whirlwind summer, with the stress of A Levels, then results, then getting packed up, then the journey to drop off, and now it's a different type of normality to get used to, and my RSD is particularly high and tolerance low. Be kind to yourself. Accept she didn't mean anything hurtful, consider alternative explanations, step back from the phone is what I would do.

I remember affectionately calling a good colleague by her last name (not in a silly nick name way just "Hey Jones, how you doing") and she asked me not to do it again. She was perfectly nice about it and said she feels very precious about her last name due to a very challenging childhood. She didn't expand and I didn't ask. I was happy to acknowledge it and respected her telling me.

I think you need to give your head a wobble about the whole my last born if off to uni everyone needs to tread delicately around me. You sound quite self involved. You keep saying you've apologised and and acknowledge it but actually you clearly still think she is wrong for saying something.

I also agree with other your DH responding to her message to you would get my back right up.

It's absolutely wonderful having an empty nest. I love, love, love it!

All the little things you had to do "for the kids", even little things like types of food in the shopping, you just don't have to do!

You can walk from bedroom to bathroom naked without having to worry.

You have a spare room to utilise.

It's great!

I don't think it was a weird way of phrasing either. I think she is acknowledging he meant to be funny but the joke landed badly. It's a perfectly balanced way of letting someone know that they over stepped and you didn't like it.

I once knew a guy called pat. He dumped a girl because he brought her post in from the letterbox and she said ‘thank you postman pat!’ From what we could get out of him not because he was taunted/ bullied about it as a child or the way she said it, just disrespectful. It bugged me a bit !!

Sure.
I was just responding to one specific poster with one – very specific – suggestion.

It wasn't the OP though, it was her husband replying to a message the friend had sent to the OP's phone.

Maybe the OP's husband is the sort of man who finds it funny to make 'jokes' at other people's expense when he's the only one laughing and the friend doesn't like it.

Maybe the OP's laughing face emojis irritated her because she always minimises it when her husband behaves like a dickhead?

Who knows!

Ok this response is just bizarre. You seem very het up about the situation between 2 complete strangers!

FWIW OP I think you're both being a bit unreasonable and oversensitive. I can see that the message from your DH might have been annoying though, not because of the content but because it was a private conversation he inserted himself into.

I would NOT like to know someone else was reading messages I sent to my friend? Why on earth would you allow that to happen? And why does he think it’s OK to take the piss, however mildly?

It is!

It's also great when they come home from university to visit.

It reminded me of how much they change in the autumn term after starting school and again when they go to secondary. They just mature so much and are establishing a whole independent life for themselves.

It's a bit sad to see the back of your 'baby' but they've embarked on their own adventure in life and that's amazing!