AIBU to want half of the pension after divorce?

[DivorcingDebbie25]

Trying to avoid drip feed. Am sixty. Married 40 years. Kids are 40/38. I’ve never really worked. Husband had corporate career. I have been waiting for him to retire for years but it’s become clear that will never happen. He is rarely at home, constantly doing adventure stuff or pursuing his hobby. I’ve given up waiting and I want a divorce. He’s not fought me on it and clearly we are just done. I’ve moved out into rented and he’s paying my rent and expenses- clearing credit card etc.

We are reasonably civil but he says asking for half is ridiculous. He says that the only real assets are his massive pension fund, my smaller one and our house which we will sell. I think he should give me half the value of the pension fund but he says that’s not possible. He says half the house and then we combine the value of the pensions and I get the equivalent of half the income from it. Surely I can just ask for the value and then do what I want with it? It feels very controlling.

I will of course get a lawyer but wanted to check if I’m being unreasonable in asking for my half? What about future income / inheritance etc? Once I’m divorced do I lose all claim on that even though I’ve supported him to earn this money and to see the return on investments that won’t come through for a few years?

I think we need more facts. Could your husband have pursued his career as much as he did if you had worked? Were your children particularly high maintenance? I do feel for you because it does seem to be reasonably common in your age group, and there definitely are men out there who want to be able to tell people that their wife doesn't need to work.
I am a lot younger than you, and my husband has had older colleagues ask him why he is still 'letting' me work!

Is it possible to just peacefully coexist without divorcing?

He’s offering her half. What she wants is all of hers, cash out for half of his, and half of his future earnings and inheritance. And at least half the house.

It’s true, nobody excels in their career unless they have a spouse who doesn’t work for 40 years………..and that’s why people give up work, because they choose to ‘sacrifice’ and support someone else’s career even though they had their own lucrative, enjoyable, meaningful, difficult to achieve career but prefer to abandon it completely for decades to serve their husband’s interests,…..sure.

This narrative is actually ludicrous.

OP don’t waste time on here, you need a good lawyer.

And you were seriously happy with that life for over 40 years???

I know loads, including me. We all gave up our careers in order to enable successful careers for our husbands. It's just what it is. DH worked away during the week while the kids were very young, so someone had to do everything else...... Me.

I own half of all our assets, so am in a good place financially.

I dont know if Spousal maintenance is still a thing courts can award but for whatever reasons, you have been and are completely financially dependent on your husband.

Definitely get legal advice and brush up your CV.

All the best

Exactly. And pension funds are used to splitting pensions in a divorce.
You can split pension I come as your DH suggests or get 50% of the pension transferred to you. It ore those who say this can't be done. It is actually quite normal

Whether he was proud to be able to say she didn’t need to work is irrelevant, no one forced her not to work. One of my friends says her DH has now said they can afford for her not to work and be an SAHM snd she’s over the moon about it as doesn’t like her job anyway and will be a bit easier for him too so win win, don’t think he expects it to be thrown back in his face 30 years later

OP, everything you’ve written comes across as incredibly entitled. You’re only 60, yet you say you’ve been waiting for years for your husband to retire. The State Pension age is now 66 and rising to 67.

I genuinely struggle to understand what you have done with your own life since your children became independent. Once they were 16 or 17 and no longer needed you in the same way, how did you fill your days? So that is really the last twenty years

Now, after expecting your husband to work and fund your lifestyle, you also believe you are automatically entitled to half his pension. I think you need to take some responsibility for the financial choices you made during the marriage.

My Mum is 74 and so financially independent all her life and always taught me to be the same. I fully support mothers choosing to stay at home while their children are young. I can completely understand that, when your children were very young and your husband was earning a good income, there may have seemed little point in sacrificing that time with them simply to go out and earn a relatively small wage.

However, once the children are grown and that stage of life has ended, I believe you have a responsibility to return to work and earn your own mone

But that’s not fair. She gave up her future earnings by being a SAHM so she gets half of all the assets they worked for together. That’s the law in UK even with all the misogyny and patriarchy screwing us beforehand.
Have you seen the latest re women invoicing for all the unpaid labour they do? It can run into the millions depending on how many years they put in to the household, the husband, each kid. 🤔

We don’t have all the information but on the face of it he has been extremely fair. Maybe the OP genuinely thinks she should be getting more, or maybe she’s greedy. None of us know
nonetheless she won’t get cash from the pensions, ongoing spousal maintenance or more than half overall.
she’s living in cloud cuckoo land if she truly believes that

I can't imagine my rationale for divorce ever being that my husband wanted to travel the world and I didn't fancy it! Especially after not even working for 40 years. Is your world very small OP?

Have I got this wrong ? You want half of his pension he has paid into and all of yours which he has also paid into ?
Take half, move out of London and get a job until the pensions kick in.

Those calculations are nonsense, they list things most of us do even whilst working

Not sure why everyone is being so unpleasant, other than this being AIBU.

After a 40 year marriage, regardless of when and why OP did not work, the starting point is 50:50 split of all assets house, savings, pension etc. She won't have children to house, so it is unlikely to diverge from that.

It is not greed or entitlement. It is recognition of the fact that having someone at home taking care of the house allows the working spouse to be fully focused in their career.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. The whole "half my pension" thing is to protect women like you (and me) who do everything else in life to allow their husband to work. That is why you got married, you became one unit. So you get half. You certainly won't get compensated for your lack of earning potential for the rest of your working life.

I take it since you have left him you have started to look for a job?
Why on earth do you think he should be paying your rent& expenses??
Or do you expect him to pay for you until you die? Even though you have left him?
You’ve had 20 years where you could have been earning some money of your own- Ihope that is taken into account by the courts when the split is done .

Are you sure you want to divorce? Why can’t you stay married and just live separate lives?

I know! I think the previous poster meant in the 1950s and 60s maybe, rather than women in their 50s and 60s.It was my mother's generation where it was more common for women to become housewives and their earnings weren't taken into account for motgages - things had moved on a lot by the mid/late 80s.

OP why have you been waiting for him to retire and now have decided to divorce because he hasn't? Presume he is 60, so not old, but had he always said he would retire at e.g. 55, or is that just what you thought he would do.

The 50/50 split fair enough, that’s the marriage contract but talk of ongoing spousal maintenance and him being penalised for being fine about her not going out to work and complaining will only have 400k to buy a house is where the entitlement gets silly

To add:
Future inheritance is not taken into account.
And future earnings/spousal maintenance is very unusual these days although if he is that wealthy, there may be short term support while you find work.

You are going to get a lot of people’s feelings and projected emotions on this thread, but to be honest none of that matters. You just need to see a solicitor and see what you’re entitled to legally. Good luck with your future.

All assets will be considered and valued, including your pension, his pension, house, savings etc. There will be a pension sharing order so if you have part of his pension it isn’t cash, it’s a pension transferred into your name taken when you are old enough. If you don’t want this and want more actual cash you can negotiate for more £ from other assets eg the house, for less pension.
You will be expected to get a job and most lawyers will push for a clean break agreement to avoid ongoing obligations to the other party.

Choosing not to ever really work isn’t going to allow you to continue to do nothing and be funded by your ex spouse. Many people have to move house on divorce as two houses need to be purchased with a lower budget. You will only need a 1 bedroom house so that will be your ‘housing need’ during discussions. He also only needs 1 bedroom. I’m sure you will both be able to find a suitable place with your budget. You need proper legal advice on this and get the ball rolling and get CETVs for both pensions as well.

This is the default in conversations like this - oh people must be so jealous. When in reality it’s the complete opposite.

To me it’s just stupidity to have your financial future dependent on someone else with little protections, and any good financial advisor would tell a woman that

Yes there may be situations where a woman can’t work and if that’s the case if their partner supports that through independent financial contributions then that’s different

But when it’s a won’t work scenario, then the sympathy is less and it’s not jealousy as the last thing I would want for me and any females in my life is to live in a relationship where they are financially dependent on anyone else.

So why is it you feel entitled to the pension he's worked for? If you were 40 & had spent 10 years doing all the kid stuff to give him freedom to work Id get it. Id understand if you wanted some of it, to allow for inequality of earnings that tends to happen post kids.

But you've just not really worked at all yet want half? If your kids are 40 & 38 you cant have even worked much before them either.

Bit of a cf really.