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AIBU?

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AIBU to want half of the pension after divorce?

214 replies

DivorcingDebbie25 · Yesterday 21:46

Trying to avoid drip feed. Am sixty. Married 40 years. Kids are 40/38. I’ve never really worked. Husband had corporate career. I have been waiting for him to retire for years but it’s become clear that will never happen. He is rarely at home, constantly doing adventure stuff or pursuing his hobby. I’ve given up waiting and I want a divorce. He’s not fought me on it and clearly we are just done. I’ve moved out into rented and he’s paying my rent and expenses- clearing credit card etc.

We are reasonably civil but he says asking for half is ridiculous. He says that the only real assets are his massive pension fund, my smaller one and our house which we will sell. I think he should give me half the value of the pension fund but he says that’s not possible. He says half the house and then we combine the value of the pensions and I get the equivalent of half the income from it. Surely I can just ask for the value and then do what I want with it? It feels very controlling.

I will of course get a lawyer but wanted to check if I’m being unreasonable in asking for my half? What about future income / inheritance etc? Once I’m divorced do I lose all claim on that even though I’ve supported him to earn this money and to see the return on investments that won’t come through for a few years?

OP posts:
OneNewEagle · Yesterday 22:21

Your house is valued at 800k you will get half. Of course you can buy a property for 400k. We are in the SE in a nice house in a nice area. It’s a family sized house and costs much less than that. There’s some really nice 2 beds for about 250 near me. I’d be more than happy in one of them.

as for pension yes you could get half but all assets are split in half.

as you have actually left and you have somewhere to live start volunteering and from there learn some skills to get some paid employment. Your stbexh cannot pay your rent and credit card forever that’s completely unacceptable. The job centre probably have courses you can also do.

oldmanandtheangel · Yesterday 22:22

What am i actually reading ?? ! You chose to not work!
You can still work, you are only 60!!!
How boring and incredibly lazy, you aren't sick

DivorcingDebbie25 · Yesterday 22:22

Ok ok I can see my life has been a waste in many peoples eyes. But, I was a pregnant teenager with a boyfriend in uni. He encouraged me to keep the baby and said he would work hard to make it ok. He then wanted to have another quickly and we wanted more but that never happened.

im not sacking off an otherwise happy marriage. There is no intimacy and no friendship. We have been flatmates forever and I just want my own life now. I’ve dedicated my life to his needs and keeping his house etc. He wanted me to host dinner parties for work colleagues etc. I did my bit and he never said it was a problem.

he wants to split too. He says he wants to travel the world and I have no interest. I did suggest we split but stay married but he’s very clear that if we are selling up etc we should properly split up

OP posts:
PrizedPickledPopcorn · Yesterday 22:24

Easier by far- and probably pleasanter for you- just to stay put but build your own life rather than waiting for him.

You resent him continuing to work and have hobbies that don’t include you, but are effectively cutting off your nose to spite your face- you still won’t have a companion.

Stay put, get some hobbies, get a social life, live as independently as he does.
Stop waiting for him, do your own thing.

Rosebud987 · Yesterday 22:24

I’m a divorce solicitor. You’d need to get the CETV of the pensions and they would be transferred into a pension for you. You don’t get it as cash you get it as a pension. You could negotiate he keeps his pension and you get more of the equity in the FMH.

JeanSimmons · Yesterday 22:24

If this post is real then you are very entitled and highly unreasonable. Why bother to divorce? Just keep living separate lives and let each other get on with it.

WaterlooHowDoesItFeel · Yesterday 22:24

But, don't you see, you are still very much dependent on him...

What happens if he moves on before you?
How will you stand on your own two feet??

Dunnocantthinkofone · Yesterday 22:25

DivorcingDebbie25 · Yesterday 22:22

Ok ok I can see my life has been a waste in many peoples eyes. But, I was a pregnant teenager with a boyfriend in uni. He encouraged me to keep the baby and said he would work hard to make it ok. He then wanted to have another quickly and we wanted more but that never happened.

im not sacking off an otherwise happy marriage. There is no intimacy and no friendship. We have been flatmates forever and I just want my own life now. I’ve dedicated my life to his needs and keeping his house etc. He wanted me to host dinner parties for work colleagues etc. I did my bit and he never said it was a problem.

he wants to split too. He says he wants to travel the world and I have no interest. I did suggest we split but stay married but he’s very clear that if we are selling up etc we should properly split up

Then you need to accept you must strike out on your own properly. There is NO chance of you getting him to be compelled to pay your livings expenses moving forwards. You will either be faced with getting a job, living off savings if you have them or claiming very limited benefits if you qualify

Mylovelygreendress · Yesterday 22:25

Minasama · Yesterday 22:10

It was much more common for women in their late 50s and 60s to stop working to look after the children & run the house than it is now. I don’t think the law necessarily looks at what might be “fair”, it looks after women who are in this situation after fulfilling the expectations of society 30 years ago.

Seriously ? I am 70 , worked full time after university , had 3 DC ( 3 months Mat Leave with each) and was certainly not unusual in my circle .

Starandflowers · Yesterday 22:25

Legally you probably are, morally I would say not so much.

You have had plenty of years to work and build your own pension pot but you want to take your husbands, after happily sitting back and enjoying a stay at home life even though your children have not needed a parent at home for 20 years

Brandywhine · Yesterday 22:26

Minasama · Yesterday 22:10

It was much more common for women in their late 50s and 60s to stop working to look after the children & run the house than it is now. I don’t think the law necessarily looks at what might be “fair”, it looks after women who are in this situation after fulfilling the expectations of society 30 years ago.

Nonsense. I’m 67. None of my friends just stopped working. Even my mother went back to work in 1965 when my sibling and I were both at school.

DivorcingDebbie25 · Yesterday 22:26

I have a private pension because he paid into it, to give me my own income in retirement. His is far bigger though, several million I think.

OP posts:
oldmanandtheangel · Yesterday 22:26

Im 55 btw, a Thatchers child and at my school we were taught women could do anything... I remember a bus came to visit promote women in Engineering.. we were all very driven, I actually ended up actually working in Careers for a while... pushing jobs like Bricklaying for women, never was it expected for the old , 'find a man and stop working' ! Me and all my school friends were often the breadwinners in relationships... You are making excuses...

watchingthishtread · Yesterday 22:27

CremeDeMure · Yesterday 22:20

Whereas I know loads. It is very common among those able to afford private school to also be able to afford and enjoy the status of having a wife at home. I would say probably 60-70% of the wives I know in their 50s do not work.

I do too.
It's hard to get back into the workplace after a prolonged absence. You end up in a really vulnerable position. No one wants to hire you. In the meantime the partners career has gone from strength to strength because he did nothing at home.

SweatySpider321 · Yesterday 22:27

NullaEffugium · Yesterday 22:12

What? Fulfilling expectations of society 30 years ago? As in 1986? We were expected to get careers and work full time. We weren’t expected to be housewives then.

30 years ago was 1996?! Women worked a lot less it’s safe to say even 20 or 25 years ago

OneNewEagle · Yesterday 22:28

Ok ok I can see my life has been a waste in many peoples eyes. But, I was a pregnant teenager with a boyfriend in uni. He encouraged me to keep the baby and said he would work hard to make it ok. He then wanted to have another quickly and we wanted more but that never happened.

but that was 40 years ago. Looking after children and the home no is not a waste, that has been your life. But once the kids got to 20 so 20 years ago you needed to start building your own life and get a job, go to uni, retrain ,travel.

PurpleThistle7 · Yesterday 22:28

Quite simply getting divorced means your lifestyle has to change as you need two separate home and two separate sets of bills but the money is exactly the same as it’s always been. If you’re getting £400k to buy a flat, you can certainly do that in most of the UK. You cannot keep the same standard of living as you had while married to a wealthy man.

You need a lawyer and theyll help you work it out. It doesn’t sound like you are both able to navigate this on your own.

These sorts of situations should be cautionary tales for women considering giving up work without putting lots of protection in place. So important to maintain financial independence (which doesn’t necessarily mean working, it could mean pension top ups or independent savings or something else altogether).

Brandywhine · Yesterday 22:29

SweatySpider321 · Yesterday 22:27

30 years ago was 1996?! Women worked a lot less it’s safe to say even 20 or 25 years ago

Im assuming you’re very young….

OakleyAnnie · Yesterday 22:30

YonderlyYonderly · Yesterday 22:09

Exactly this. Parasite.

Ignore these comments and others like them OP. I suspect some come from a place of envy.
Yes, you will be entitled to a share of the marital assets - I suspect 50% - for the whole marriage not just while your children were under 18. Both of you agreed you would keep the home while he built his career. Speak to a solicitor.

titchy · Yesterday 22:31

DivorcingDebbie25 · Yesterday 22:15

Thanks to those being helpful. I don’t know the exact value of the pension. Our house is maybe 800k. London so hard to buy even a one bedroom flat locally with half once you pay stamp duty etc

Then don’t just look locally. The good news for you is that flat prices in London are rock bottom so plenty to choose from.

And since when was it normal for women your (my!) age to be housewives!

Muchtootiredd · Yesterday 22:32

No one made you not work, you put the effort into unpaid labour for those years so yes fair enough you’re getting half of what was built up during the years of marriage but deciding not to work and him being happy to support you does not mean an even bigger meal ticket for life. Why do people expect to divorce and maintain the same standard of living

OccasionalHope · Yesterday 22:32

You need a solicitor.

But generally you will be entitle d to half the marital assets which include both pensions, but you will also be expected to find a job.

Sylviaplathlives · Yesterday 22:32

You absolutely can ask for half the pension. Ignore the “greedy” etc comments. Solicitor will help.

OneNewEagle · Yesterday 22:32

watchingthishtread · Yesterday 22:27

I do too.
It's hard to get back into the workplace after a prolonged absence. You end up in a really vulnerable position. No one wants to hire you. In the meantime the partners career has gone from strength to strength because he did nothing at home.

I’m in my 50s currently not working due to my health. So I’m in the precarious position of being supported by my DP. Completely against my will as before this I have had a professional career, set up my own business etc. so this was not something I had planned on. It’s only been three years and I’m trying my b to get my health better to be able to retrain and do some pt work.

fashionqueen0123 · Yesterday 22:32

DivorcingDebbie25 · Yesterday 22:26

I have a private pension because he paid into it, to give me my own income in retirement. His is far bigger though, several million I think.

Honestly see a solicitor. This type of thing is common. They will help. Starting at 50/50 isn’t unusual at all.