AIBU to want half of the pension after divorce?

[DivorcingDebbie25]

Trying to avoid drip feed. Am sixty. Married 40 years. Kids are 40/38. I’ve never really worked. Husband had corporate career. I have been waiting for him to retire for years but it’s become clear that will never happen. He is rarely at home, constantly doing adventure stuff or pursuing his hobby. I’ve given up waiting and I want a divorce. He’s not fought me on it and clearly we are just done. I’ve moved out into rented and he’s paying my rent and expenses- clearing credit card etc.

We are reasonably civil but he says asking for half is ridiculous. He says that the only real assets are his massive pension fund, my smaller one and our house which we will sell. I think he should give me half the value of the pension fund but he says that’s not possible. He says half the house and then we combine the value of the pensions and I get the equivalent of half the income from it. Surely I can just ask for the value and then do what I want with it? It feels very controlling.

I will of course get a lawyer but wanted to check if I’m being unreasonable in asking for my half? What about future income / inheritance etc? Once I’m divorced do I lose all claim on that even though I’ve supported him to earn this money and to see the return on investments that won’t come through for a few years?

What? Fulfilling expectations of society 30 years ago? As in 1986? We were expected to get careers and work full time. We weren’t expected to be housewives then.

20 years pottering around the house, getting a job will do you some good.

Just because he was okay with you not working doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have. You are your own person and it would’ve provided you with more security instead of you now having to go cap in hand.

You are entitled to half the pension . You can't get this in liquid form however unless your husband has significant cash savings.. A pension sharing order will have to be agreed at which point you'll have to transfer your share to your own pension provider and you'll have choices to make on how you draw it down, whether you intend to take the 25% tax free lump sum in one go and whether to acquire an annuity with the balance. You'll also have to make tax returns and pay tax on draw downs if you exceed the personal tax allowance

What are the assets OP? Do you know how much the house is worth, how much you have in savings, or in the pensions?

Really? People in their 50s now didn't stop working. I don't know anyone in their 50s or 60s who permanently retired when they gave birth.

You were happy with it too.
And it would last forever if you were not tired of waiting for him to stop working.
He is not the one filing for divorce.

Legally entitled to half the pension pot

morally should have got a fucking job

Wow. I don’t believe this is real but if it is, you are incredibly greedy and entitled.

On the face of it, what your husband is suggesting is fair - half of the full pot.

Pension sharing and what that looks like can differ depending on the pension structures, but generally no, he can't just withdraw half of it as cash and give to you.

Me either. In my 50s. It was never expected we would stop working after babies came along, if babies came along. There are many who were happy with the dual income, no kids life.

Thanks to those being helpful. I don’t know the exact value of the pension. Our house is maybe 800k. London so hard to buy even a one bedroom flat locally with half once you pay stamp duty etc

I think there are two separate issues here.

After a 40-year marriage, particularly where you have not worked for most of it and presumably contributed to the family in other ways, it is entirely reasonable for pensions to form a major part of the financial settlement. You absolutely need proper legal advice and should not agree anything based on what your husband tells you is or isn't possible.

But I do think you've been incredibly naive financially. You are 60, you've "never really worked", and even now after deciding the marriage is over, your husband is still paying your rent, clearing your credit card and covering your expenses. That is a huge level of financial dependence on another adult.

Regardless of how well he earned, I can't imagine getting to this stage of life without wanting some financial independence of my own — employment, savings, pension provision and at least a clear understanding of the family finances. Being married to a high earner isn't the same thing as having financial security in your own right, as you're now discovering.

That doesn't mean you should walk away with less than you're legally entitled to. Quite the opposite: get a solicitor who specialises in matrimonial finances, get full disclosure, have the pensions properly valued and don't casually sign away claims. But I would also be using this divorce as the point at which you take proper control of your own finances rather than simply moving from "husband supports me while married" to "ex-husband supports me after divorce".

And I wouldn't get too hung up on the phrase "my half". Divorce finances aren't generally a case of identifying every asset and literally taking 50% of each one. The overall settlement has to be worked out, and pensions can be dealt with in different ways.

Transferring pensions on divorce is something pension companies do all the time. That’s not an issue.

You will need to total household assets and split them in half. Youay end up with 40% of his pension for example as you already have one.

One you have a court pension sharing order the pension company will transfer your bit either to your current one or set up a new one. Seek financial advice before doing anything please, especially if it’s a DB pension.

Don't really understand some of these responses. You’ve stayed home and looked after kids - you are entitled to half of everything you have built as a couple.

A judge however will expect you to work if you need to and won’t make any allowances for ongoing costs of living.

Good luck x

Not even 86, 1996!

I would disagree. I'm 60 and everyone I know, absolutely everyone, worked, always worked and still works. My mother's generation it was more common for women to stay at home.

Except she has her own private pension. So the two pensions will be added together and then split in half. Realistically this means the value of her pension will offset the % of his pension she is entitled to.

Oh well.

Maybe you’ll have to move and get a job 🙄

...and lazy. Just waiting around for hubby to stop enjoying himself Jesus!

He is paying your rent and credit card bill so clearly its not that acrimonious. I wouldnt fuck about too much tbh....

I also wouldnt waste my time trying to chase down proof of adultery... its not worth it, just progress the divorce.

Talk to your lawyer as you can trade off pension for other things. HOWEVER....

I work in commercial field with money
Fwiw here is my unsolicited advice...

If you were range rovers private schools and SAHM rich.... You do NOT need more than 50% of the value of whatever fancy home you live in to buy somewhere for ONE person to live in.
You have not worked and have no means of creating ANY income streams.
You would be incredibly foolish to give up ANY part of those pensions. Take the full 50% buy somewhere smaller / less fancy. Those pensions will be your ONLY income until state pension age...

Bigger homes cost more to run and maintain... You will also be shocked at the cost of maintenance and running a property if you aren't already managing all household bills and maintainance repairs on your home now...

Telling you to get a job now isn't particularly helpful. Jobs for 60 year olds with no experience are not easy to come by and won't pay enough to change much. The unpaid work of stay at home parents allows the other spouse the freedom to excel in their career. The proceeds of that are the result of a joint effort.

You need legal advice asap.

Dang you’re right, my how time flies!

You’ll have to move somewhere where £400k will buy you a 1 bed flat 😒

Well yes but when the ‘kid’ is 40, that’s stretching it more than a bit!!!
Im afraid you are going to have a pretty miserly old age OP. Or move somewhere one hell
of a
lot cheaper than London. What do you intend to do for money once the divorce comes through? You are years off of state pension age, probably won’t have the full stamp anyway and need funds for bills and food at least. There is zero expectation for your husband to continue to cover these bills and he is being exceptionally generous to be doing so even now.

Whereas I know loads. It is very common among those able to afford private school to also be able to afford and enjoy the status of having a wife at home. I would say probably 60-70% of the wives I know in their 50s do not work.

If he’s also in his sixties and looking at retirement, what future income are you expecting him to share? With 50% of house and pensions, won’t he also be looking to move out of that are of London to somewhere more affordable?