Sibling graduation is an exceptional curcumstance

[Oldgalgames]

I recently applied to my DD13's school for 1 days absence to attend her sisters graduation (DD22) in November which has been declined as its not deemed an 'exceptional circumstance'. My DD13 had 98% attendance last year, was off for the flu last November which has been her only absence, is in top sets for all STEM subects. I know we wont get a fine, and we will be attending as a family anyway, its more the principle as I do truely believe this is of course an exceptional circumstance. A sibling's university graduation happens once or twice in a lifetime, it’s an important family milestone and incredibly inspiring for a 13 year-old to witness. I should add this is the first ever request I have submitted to school for an absence!

I am being unreasonable, school are right to decline this request as its not an exceptional circumstance

I am not being unreasonable it is an exceptional circumstance

They’ll check against the criteria and say yes or no. Thats as far as it goes. No case-by-case basis. You really think schools have the time to check how ‘perfect’ your family is before they make a decision? No, they haven’t.

Exactly this. At the end of the day, it comes down to what we actually value. Graduating isn't just showing up, someone has worked bloody hard for years to get across that stage.
Whether an outsider thinks a ceremony is boring or not, taking my DD13 to watch her sister achieve something huge teaches her that hard work matters, perseverance pays off, and family accomplishments are worth celebrating! Dismissing that effort as unimportant just sends a terrible message to young people about the value of their own future achievements IMO

Why have you put this in AIBU? You’ve clearly already made your mind up!

They literally have a list of what is considered an exceptional circumstance. And that list is incredibly narrow.

They’re not assessing you as a family or your child as an individual. They’re looking at what you’ve requested and where that fits against the criteria.
The school have little to no flexibility on this.

I think it will also depend on the university. My graduation ceremony was huge. Well over a thousand graduates. My poor dad still can’t believe he had to sit and clap for three hours for 10 seconds of me. I wouldn’t put a child through that.

My graduation (1989) was a big deal because I was the first person in my family to go to university and get a degree. My parents attended but not my sibling as there were only 2 tickets per graduate. My husband and I attended our eldest child's graduation but their sibling did not - guess what? 2 tickets per graduate. Youngest child graduated in June 2021, no ceremony thanks to lockdown but it will be held in November 2027 (I'm betting not many will be attending). Youngest child won't be attending as they believe the important bit was the results and that the ceremony will be both boring and meaningless. They do not see it as exceptional in any way (and they got a First).

Well you don't do everything right do you? Because what you're doing goes against school rules.

ETA my own sibling graduation story. My sister fainted at my graduation ceremony (hangover and boredom) and had to be carried out in front of a celebrity (whose daughter was in my year). She has never been able to watch that celebrity (still famous) since without cringing.

Because that's literally what half of AIBU is for? It’s a board to vent about frustrating, rigid situations and whether other people think the school's response is as unreasonable as I do. Expressing a strong opinion doesn't mean I can't ask if others agree with the principle!

I don’t blame you, life happens and I don’t want a government dictating to me whether a child can attend important family events. I know they are not going to stop them but the “unauthorised” would get my goat. I am such a supporter of education it is a thing that cannot be taken away from a person. You can lose your wealth but not your education. So I don’t want to come across like it does not matter. With rural communities if kids miss a day you would go to friends in the same class and get the info and get them to catch up without involving the teacher. My husband is also so glad we made the move back for the education system alone.

I've just been to graduation, and we were at dd's four years ago. Very few people had siblings there. Parents made up the majority, one of the few younger ones who I thought was sibling, I got talking to, and was boyfriend not sibling.

It's your dd's day, she probably won't want to take a day off work in 9 years time to go to your ds' graduation, give her a special day to herself.

Your frustration is misplaced though, it’s not the schools fault.

They probably agree with you but just aren’t in a position to authorise the absence.

That is so shocking. It is like family doesn’t matter

Am still genuinely curious what university gives out so many family tickets! (I know, not the point, but have never heard of such a thing)

I think the issue with this sort of thing is that what is important to each family is different and asking the school to judge this is impossible. Everyone has the ability to have a few unauthorised days off school without repercussion for exactly this sort of random thing - for some that’s an affordable flight to see grandparents, for others it’s a graduation or wedding or birthday. It doesn’t matter and the school doesn’t need to make a judgement call.

This thread shows that there’s wildly different views on how important a graduation ceremony is. That’s not important really. It’s important to you and your family and you are prioritising it over school that day. That’s totally fine, no judgement from me. The school isn’t judging you either. They’re just saying it’s not on their list for excused absence - not that they’ll do anything to you or your daughter if you think it’s worth it.

What school rules am I going against?

I don’t think it’s an exceptional event. It’s great she’s graduated but it’s quite a standard thing to do. My younger siblings didn’t come to mine (I was only allowed 2 people anyway.) I think they’d have been bored out of their minds sitting there for hours in all honesty. We all went out for a family meal in the evening to celebrate.

I thought it was a board to genuinely ask others opinions on whether you’re being unreasonable about something - when you feel unsure and would value other’s perspectives? Otherwise just put it on chat or something - if you’re just going to dismiss or argue back with everyone who does indeed think you’re being unreasonable! What’s the point in asking?!

Um. The one that says a sibling's graduation ceremony is not an authorised absence.

You’re unreasonable. Exceptional circumstances are supposed to be rare, significant, unavoidable (cannot be rescheduled for outside school hours) and short.

I’d agree it’s short and probably unavoidable. It’s hardly rare (or “once in a lifetime”) though - a youngest child could have multiple siblings, all having multiple graduations. Something like a half of working age adults have a degree or equivalent qualification. Yes it’s a significant achievement for your older child but it’s not really significant for your younger one - it’s not their achievement. So I’d say it’s not an exceptional circumstance.

If you really think it’s important enough for your child to miss school over just take the one day unauthorised and move on.

They do have to treat every chld the same though. They can't play favourites. That's why they'd rather you lied, so that they can still come down hard on those playing the system regularly.

If your daughter was treated differently from another child who wasn't as academic and well behaved, that would cause her all sorts of problems socially and with possible bullying. No-one wants to be teacher's pet.

Arguably your daughter will get much less out of this experience than a child who struggles to stay motivated in school. As you say, she’s already achieving and exited for her own university days ahead of her so doesn’t really need the inspiration. If watching 1000
strangers walk across a stage is inspiring 🤷🏻‍♀️

The issue is you’re trying to present this as an ‘exceptional’ event - it isn’t. 50% of 21y olds are going to be graduating this autumn so it’s very much the norm. It’s clearly an important family event for you, which is why you should keep her off school for the day and celebrate with your family if you want to. But YABU to expect school to consider this as ‘exceptional’ because it’s never going to qualify as such. It’s a nice family day out.

100% go to the ceremony, tour the campus. Let your DD imagine what her attending uni might be like.
But bureaucrats won’t see the value in this.

The local council will have designed the criteria about what they consider an exceptional circumstances to be. They do differ by area, so you need to read the school's attendance policy and see what that says as acceptable reasons.

However, in my area this would not be deemed as exceptional. There is not requirement for a sibling to attend, it is a choice you have made.

Out of interest have you even checked that there are enough tickets available for the 3 of you to attend? Most only guarantee 1 or 2 with any additional being done by ballot.

I sit on the stage at these things. It’s not the norm to see children there and I imagine it would be very dull for them. They are lovely for the graduands as they get to be dressed up and see their friends again, and it’s gratifying for the parents of course, but can’t imagine them being particularly inspiring for a 13 year old.

But you could say the same about a death or wedding! Its happening everyday to a large portion of the population, yet these are exceptional?