AIBU to tell him to buy his own food

[BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug]

Me and DH have set a household budget as follows;

All household expenses including food are paid from the joint account. We totalled them up, set a budget including a buffer and then split it 60:40 with me paying 60 him paying 40, this was my suggestion as I earnore than he does.

I pay all child related expenses for my son, school dinners, bus fares, clubs, allowance, clothes, presents etc from my personal account because the children are mine from a previous marriage.

DD is 18 and buys all her own stuff and expenses and contributed £100 a month to food which goes into the joint account.

I have another DS who is away at uni and I pay anything for him out of my personal account.

Anyway all that to say, he is not subsidising my kids.

We set a food budget of £150 a week, if it the shopping goes over this then I transfer the extra from my personal account to the joint account. When DS was home over summer for example I was putting extra in every week which is fine. His GF also stayed for a week and I bout extra treats etc and feeding six People so it did go quite over but it didn't cost DH anything at all.

So this morning I am going to do the food shop since he is at work and he has just given me a lecture about not buying shite, trying to get under budget. Saying how when he went last week he only spent £120 (I was away with work for 3 days so he had less to feed) .

Would I be unreasonable to tell him to do his own shopping if he is that bothered!! It literally doesn't cost him a penny extra regardless of what I buy!!

(We are very comfortable financially so not like he is worried about money, take home between us of 6k and total bills including food less than 2k)

You have £4,000 disposable income a month and are arguing over a few pounds on a food bill? What an unnecessarily stressful way to live.

Fair enough for him to buy his own. Nitpicking twat. Tell him to wind his neck in.

i couldn’t live like this. You have a healthy income and your budget is very low. Why are you arguing over a few pounds? Live a little

Sounds like he ought to be in charge of food shopping every week then. And you can give him “helpful” feedback too !

It all sounds very sad and transactional. In all for paying your own way, but this splitting down to the penny is a bit like flatmates

This is exactly my point. We are very comfortable and we are very fortunate to be. I grew up in poverty and even when the kids were young I had to count every penny.

I have worked so hard to get to the point I am at now and for him to still be imposing ridiculous budgets and berating me for going over is ridiculous.

And that's before the whole point - it doesn't cost him any extra no matter what I spend so why is he complaining!

Honestly, sounds like you’d be better off on your own.

It sounds like he doesn't understand how a budget works; if you needed to come in £30 under it consistently then you'd have the wrong target and should revise it. Did he even buy everything that was on the shopping list, or acceptable substitutes? If so, I'd ask him if he wants to do all the shopping himself from now on since he's got superior skillz.

Has he just started this?

It makes no sense for him to be lecturing if you not only can more than afford it but are making up for your part when you have overspent and it has no effect on him.

If this is new behaviour, I’d be wondering if something is going on that he’s not telling.

I think you are naive to assume your adult kids don’t cost extra. Of course they do - added electric and water and gas . Washing powder . Toilet roll. Kitchen roll. Soap . Washing up liquid etc etc - all adds up.

if you want to be transactional then your husband should not be paying for their share of the bills . It certainly costs over £100 to feed and house an extra adult so your daughter is paying cheap .

but as you said you are well off - so it shouldn’t be an issue really .

How can you live like this. Honestly. How miserable.

Sounds like you'll always be on an uneven footing as you brought baggage into the relationship and he will always highlight this to you especially where finances are concerned.

That's no way to live and I personally wouldn't tolerate that. As a PP said, you'd be better off on your own.

Control. He just wants to tell you he is better at budgeting, likely because you are financially more successful. They start off quite subtly, telling you that they don’t like something etc so that you stop making it, doing it or buying it and gradually get more bombastic and obvious He is essentially telling you what to do. You sound like you have your shit together, I would consider getting rid of him if you can. I bet if you were to probe him that some of what he is doing is linked to some weird, made up crap about your children and how much they eat. They pretend to be good people but they can’t actually keep it up forever. I totally understand what you’re saying about covering the children’s costs, I did this too. Essentially, he chose to marry you knowing you had children and IMO should not expect that you cover every single thing for them but I understand why you do it as I did the same. I ended up like this, replacing any food that my son ate because it would enrage my OH if he went for something that had been consumed by him. I almost went mad with it all.

it doesn't cost him any extra no matter what I spend so why is he complaining!

What’s his response when you ask him this?

I pay 60 percent of all these bills compared to his 40 though. I also pay 60 percent of bills that don't cost more due to my kids like council tax, mortgage, insurances, TV license, subscriptions

So I am pretty sure it balances out.

He then changes tact and says it's about space in the freezer, food waste or me being a child and buying too much crap.

It's definitely about money. He is well known for his tightness in his family.

For various reasons we didn't live together until recently despite being married so it's the first time we have joined finances.

Yep, tell him to do the meal planning and grocery shopping for a month and see how he gets on.

Also we buy our washing powder separately because I like to have the scent beads, use two pods and fabric softener.

He uses a scoop of cheap powder.

He had to do his washing separately because he doesn't like his clothes being washed with ours which is one of his quirks, of which he has many but if they don't negatively impact on any of us we just rub along with it.

Not really. If there are four of you in the house then your husband should only be paying one quarter of the bills - if he isn’t to be paying for the upkeep of your kids .
so at the moment he is actually paying a lot more in than you.

I wouldn’t call that joined finances, having the calculator out to make sure who pays 60% and who pays 40% and arguing over what food to buy.

Sounds great. If I were you I’d buy another fridge and freezer, then you’ll have more room to buy what you want! If you can continue living like this, that is.

I absolutely do not understand marriages, or even long term relationships where the finances are so under the microscope.

Often led by the male.

It's so so odd and a waste of a stress free life.

You are a life partnership, quite literally what's mine is yours vice versa. You build each other up and if someone gets a promotion or changes jobs for more salary then happy days. You're in life together, not to sit there carving out 50p and 75p when you go out anywhere from each of your separate purses.

It's just my personal opinion, but I've rather be on my own.

I feel for you as this isn't a relaxed partnership way to live.

🤣

@BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug How do you respond to all this? I’m just trying to visualise how this conversation could possibly have happened more than once. As you’d obviously have told him to fuck off and stop talking to you like a child the very first time it did.

Are you unusually passive? Placatory? What’s happening here?

It sounds like he'd be happier alone, and I'd be surprised if you wouldn't be too.