AIBU to tell him to buy his own food

[BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug]

Me and DH have set a household budget as follows;

All household expenses including food are paid from the joint account. We totalled them up, set a budget including a buffer and then split it 60:40 with me paying 60 him paying 40, this was my suggestion as I earnore than he does.

I pay all child related expenses for my son, school dinners, bus fares, clubs, allowance, clothes, presents etc from my personal account because the children are mine from a previous marriage.

DD is 18 and buys all her own stuff and expenses and contributed £100 a month to food which goes into the joint account.

I have another DS who is away at uni and I pay anything for him out of my personal account.

Anyway all that to say, he is not subsidising my kids.

We set a food budget of £150 a week, if it the shopping goes over this then I transfer the extra from my personal account to the joint account. When DS was home over summer for example I was putting extra in every week which is fine. His GF also stayed for a week and I bout extra treats etc and feeding six People so it did go quite over but it didn't cost DH anything at all.

So this morning I am going to do the food shop since he is at work and he has just given me a lecture about not buying shite, trying to get under budget. Saying how when he went last week he only spent £120 (I was away with work for 3 days so he had less to feed) .

Would I be unreasonable to tell him to do his own shopping if he is that bothered!! It literally doesn't cost him a penny extra regardless of what I buy!!

(We are very comfortable financially so not like he is worried about money, take home between us of 6k and total bills including food less than 2k)

so at the moment he is actually paying a lot more in than you.

She’s paying 20% more of the mortgage than him every month. It’s HIGHLY unlikely that he’s paying in a lot more than her because her kids are using a bit of electricity/water/household supplies. He is not being financially disadvantaged in any way.

If we were being that pedantic it would be half of all fixed costs and a quarter of variable costs.

So half:
Mortgage, council tax, insurance, TV license, water
Quarter
Electric, gas, food broadband

He is significantly better off financially after we moved on together than he was when living on his own and he benfeyfrom a nicer home than he originally had.

He really isn't getting a rough deal here.

and his redeeming features?. tightness is unattractive for me

He usually brings it up in a jokey way at least once a week. And we laugh it off but I have told him plenty of times that I am adult that can choose what to buy for myself.

We have a bit of a row about it and then he says oh it's not about money, I am concerned about space or wastage or whatever.

would he be better moving out and you could 'date'

Why would you expect him to pay half of all fixed costs though? You have adult children in the house - so why are they not paying their share ? If your husband is paying half then he is supporting them - which is what he may resent .

Are you enjoying finally living with him, @BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug?

Or do you miss your previous separate domestic arrangements?

(Have to say £150 a week food budget for (usually) four people seems miserly when you could all afford more.)

He probably resents paying 40% when he represents only 25% to 33% of the occupants. It doesn't seem to add up in the way you think it does that your 60% (plus £100 per month DD contribution) is more than fair.

Obviously we don't know the nuances of the finances, such as home ownership, etc, but on the face of it, I can see why he might not feel the same way as you do.

Because if I didn't have children and it was just the two of us, those costs wouldn't be any different. If they moved out tomorrow those costs wouldn't reduce.

The children don't benefit from a share in the house either.

Sorry to go off topic and you may have all this sorted but others don’t and their children get a shock. Do you have a Will and did your sort ownership of the property in a way which benefits your children (if that’s what you want) and doesn’t leave everything to your DH if something happens to you?

Quite. He’s being pretty tedious.

Firstly, only one of the children at home is an adult. Secondly, do your children (of any age) pay your mortgage? If so, your setup is quite unusual.

You seem determined to make out that this man is subsidising OP’s kids, despite her paying in significantly more than he is. Why? Is this just basic MN contrariness, or do you genuinely believe that he is at a disadvantage because he’s paying more than 25% of the council tax?

I tend to spend £180-£200 when I go (putting in the extra of course) so then when he goes and buys the bare minimum we still have nice things from when I went.

But the fact is you do have adult children there which your husband is sharing the house with.
he is contributing to their upkeep and I expect he resents this and that is why he keeps mentioning finances .
You seem to think it shouldn’t matter but I expect it matters a lot - you’re just not hearing it .

Yes that's all sorted but I do appreciate the reminder on case it wasn't!

And yet, so many on here think joint accounts when married are the be all and end all...

Sad that even when a woman earns more and contributes more to the household, she is still seen as bringing ‘baggage’ to the relationship and household.

OP. I would be looking at how you can protect your kids in the event of divorce or death, because this man won’t treat your kids fairly, that’s sure.

Edit: just seen you have done that.

Yet another married couple who don’t actually like each other at all.
And for this one, we don’t have finances or children to worry about.
why stay in a relationship with someone you don’t like op?

Is there a space or wastage issue? As, if not, you’d say that, surely?

I’m not getting how this is a weekly thing unless you’re passively going ‘yes, dear’, and it doesn’t sound like you are. You need to have a ‘come to Jesus’ talk with this man, really lay out how and why you think all this is unacceptable and tell him to stop.

Can I ask, how is domestic labour split? Does he do an equal amount?

I have one adult child here (18) , the other is away at uni.

Only those benefiting from home ownership should contribute to the mortgage I assume we all agree on that.

I might do the actual calculation to see the difference that 50% mortgage and 25% other bills would be compared to 40% of everything.

Why has this man being tight become about criticism of OP?

If I were to be picky though, those costs could absolutely be different if there were no children.

2 adults wouldn’t have needed a 3 bedroom house, as one example. It could have been a smaller house, so smaller mortgage. A lower house price would have meant a lower council tax band so lower payments. Gas & electric for a 4 person household is going to be a lot higher than a 2 person household, 4 phones charging, 4 showers, TV’s, laptops, headphones etc.

Re your last paragraph - it’s true, but htf did we get here?!? Food has literally doubled in price in the last few years. My food costs are now more than my mortgage.

I’d just have a straight, honest talk with him, along thr lines of:

”DH, I find these comments about money saving life sapping and verging on controlling. I am not prepared to live in such a miserly way. I won’t be changing my behaviour. Don’t send me messages like that again please”.

He sounds like someone who has possibly (?) never had a succesful long term cohabiting relationship and needs some clear boundaries.

Space wise he has his own double cupboard for things that only be eats and we have two fridge freezers so not really a space issue.

There can be wastage sometimes, this week three yogurts will go in the bin because DD thought they were mine so didn't eat them. The odd bit of fruit gets chucked when it's past it's best.

I do most of the cleaning. He is tidy but I clean properly, I do all the bathrooms, we do our own laundry and I do DSs, we take turns cooking and doing dishes, I change the bedding and do stuff like dusting, wiping surfaces, he does bins.