AIBU to tell him to buy his own food

[BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug]

Me and DH have set a household budget as follows;

All household expenses including food are paid from the joint account. We totalled them up, set a budget including a buffer and then split it 60:40 with me paying 60 him paying 40, this was my suggestion as I earnore than he does.

I pay all child related expenses for my son, school dinners, bus fares, clubs, allowance, clothes, presents etc from my personal account because the children are mine from a previous marriage.

DD is 18 and buys all her own stuff and expenses and contributed £100 a month to food which goes into the joint account.

I have another DS who is away at uni and I pay anything for him out of my personal account.

Anyway all that to say, he is not subsidising my kids.

We set a food budget of £150 a week, if it the shopping goes over this then I transfer the extra from my personal account to the joint account. When DS was home over summer for example I was putting extra in every week which is fine. His GF also stayed for a week and I bout extra treats etc and feeding six People so it did go quite over but it didn't cost DH anything at all.

So this morning I am going to do the food shop since he is at work and he has just given me a lecture about not buying shite, trying to get under budget. Saying how when he went last week he only spent £120 (I was away with work for 3 days so he had less to feed) .

Would I be unreasonable to tell him to do his own shopping if he is that bothered!! It literally doesn't cost him a penny extra regardless of what I buy!!

(We are very comfortable financially so not like he is worried about money, take home between us of 6k and total bills including food less than 2k)

Those saying he should do the shopping yo the budget - he would happily do this and the weeks he does the shopping (or we do it together) we stick to the budget. He will happily buy the bare minimum and cheapest of everything. It wouldn't bother him.

I don't want to stick to the budget because I like to buy whatever I want and since I am picking up the extra cost I don't see why he feels the need to complain!

What would he say if your daughter wanted to take her food to eat up to her room?

I suggested a cleaner and he said absolutely not. I quite enjoy cleaning though to be fair so I don't mind that. I find it a nice way to de-stress after a the week and it doesn't take too long.

I do get to see DS yes although he's a moody teen at the moment but yes we spend time together.

Have you actually sat him down and discussed this issue properly away from when there is an immediate comment/knee jerk reaction?
Explained how it makes you feel for him to keep commenting and inserting his wishes and preferences above yours and undermining your ability to function as an independent adult of free will on something so basic as the food you choose to buy and eat?
if not, why?
if you have, what was his response?

We have spoke about it in a general way and he just says I am wasteful and think we are millionaires.

When he makes jokes I tell him to shut it up it doesn't cost him anything.

I suppose a separate purposeful conversation needs to be had but we will end up rowing about it because neither of us think we are wrong.

OP, life's just too short to be weighed down with this kind of thing.

Can you just go back to placing an online order yourself, telling him that you've done so but adding that you appreciate that he might want to stop off at Aldi after work to get the particular things he likes.

You can do much nicer things with your time than fret about shopping.

He turns a blind eye, the kids have their own floor and he doesn't go up there. He will have a grumble to me but doesn't moan at them. He can cope as long as they don't eat on the sofa.

I dont think it has anything to do with food or budgets. Objectively as you say, it doesn’t affect him anyway so it can’t be that. To me, it’s an issue of him attempting to control outcomes. That’s not acceptable in a partnership and won’t stop at Aldi baked beans or fancy food

Im struggling to understand how you can be so passive about such controlling behaviour

As is the case on Mumsnet any man wanting to be careful with money is a mean miser who is controlling and abusive while the woman is fine.

a woman being careful with money is fine and her husband is a wasteful selfish arse who doesn’t care and needs to be dumped

also, you go on about paying 60% but that’s just paying your fair share as you earn more. Usual rules on here are that earning more and paying more does not give that person any right to dictate spending.

That seems fundamentally fair to me…

Does he resent you being the higher earner maybe and it's coming out in funny ways? Might be worth a chat.

Yes exactly, which is why I pay any extra from my own money rather than trying to dictate a higher budget.

Shouldn't that be my choice how I choose to spend my own personal money?

I'd be doing a Tesco order and paying for it. He'd be going to Aldi and paying for his own.

Why would that be a problem? He's got his own cupboard.

Glad you think so, I agree which is why we set it up that way.

The split of our finances isn't the problem here. I think you may be missing the point.

Well yes, but it takes two to set a budget. Not one.
And the OP has a very healthy income so the curtailment isn’t necessarily. Or the constant comments.
Any partner setting an arbitrary set of rules on another for no good reason is just as bad - gender is irrelevant

Maybe. When we met we both earnt the same. He has increased his salary but I have doubled mine and some.

He says he's fine with it but who knows.

I assume that it is done this way so that OP's DH doesn't have to spend a penny of his own money on OP's kids. She pays more in than him anyway and then pays in extra if they go over budget or her adult kids come home from Uni. He would probably kick up a fuss if he was accidently subsidising any of OP's children. OP tries to make sure that this doesn't happen.

Not only would I do my own Tesco order, I'd do an occasional Ocado on as well.

I agree, and I would add that OP should be a lot more worried than she sounds about her children seeing these behaviours modelled to them as the norm.

I guess I think of controlling behaviour as having a malicious intent. I don't think DH moaning about the shopping budget is done for malicious purposes, I think he generally just thinks I am too spendy and in general I agree with him, I do spend more than he does on general crap but it's my money so why not.

It’s about efficiency for him, I expect. If ‘everyone fed’ can be achieved at £20, why spend £25?

You can live with this, but you have to agree to differ and not actively try and change his mind. Over time he will notice himself that some things are might be worth paying more for. It takes a while though.

I found it easier when we shared concrete goals. He wanted to spend nothing in favour of paying down the mortgage. I wanted to spend a little more. We compromised in order to pay down the mortgage before the DC finished school, so we’d not feel the pinch when they went to Uni.

You will end up restricting yourself- like the cleaner- but have to decided what things are worth fighting for. If you don’t, then you’ll slowly live smaller and smaller.

Have you discussed Christmas spending?

I wouldn’t bother…he moved in knowing what he knows about the living situation, it’s just one poster has a bee in her bonnet about it.

Very few people would charge an 18 year old to live in their home, and you are covering the difference in yours being there so there is no problem, even if a previous poster wants there to be.

It does sound like it was nicer living separate than together though 😂 I think it’s time to tell him to knock it off with the moaning about money

Fucking hell, he sounds like hard bloody work to live with.
How long have you actually been living with him? Was he a single bloke/living alone for a long time? What is initially a “quirk” can easily become “unbearable” given time. Having a separate cupboard with “his food” is just bloody juvenile unless we’re talking allergies.

Ermm

This is very worrying indeed. If he’s not complaining about the food budget, he’ll start dictating his control and manipulation in others areas (like the cleaner).

He is not your boss. He is not your father. He’s supposed to be your DH.

This needs to be nipped in the bud.

And who cares if your kids want to eat on the couch!

Naah, sorry, this is not a family. This is a collection of comrades (V.Lenin) living on a kibbutz (A.Gordon).