AIBU to tell him to buy his own food

[BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug]

Me and DH have set a household budget as follows;

All household expenses including food are paid from the joint account. We totalled them up, set a budget including a buffer and then split it 60:40 with me paying 60 him paying 40, this was my suggestion as I earnore than he does.

I pay all child related expenses for my son, school dinners, bus fares, clubs, allowance, clothes, presents etc from my personal account because the children are mine from a previous marriage.

DD is 18 and buys all her own stuff and expenses and contributed £100 a month to food which goes into the joint account.

I have another DS who is away at uni and I pay anything for him out of my personal account.

Anyway all that to say, he is not subsidising my kids.

We set a food budget of £150 a week, if it the shopping goes over this then I transfer the extra from my personal account to the joint account. When DS was home over summer for example I was putting extra in every week which is fine. His GF also stayed for a week and I bout extra treats etc and feeding six People so it did go quite over but it didn't cost DH anything at all.

So this morning I am going to do the food shop since he is at work and he has just given me a lecture about not buying shite, trying to get under budget. Saying how when he went last week he only spent £120 (I was away with work for 3 days so he had less to feed) .

Would I be unreasonable to tell him to do his own shopping if he is that bothered!! It literally doesn't cost him a penny extra regardless of what I buy!!

(We are very comfortable financially so not like he is worried about money, take home between us of 6k and total bills including food less than 2k)

The thing is, if he is autistic, you can explain till you are blue in the face. He is quite unlikely to change his behaviour though, as he had had a lifetime to embed it and it stems from differences in the way his brain works.

To me the obvious answer is that his portion of the food spend goes into your account, and you do the household shopping from there. Any extras he wants, he pays for. He therefore pays his set amount every month and is presumably happy, you can buy whatever you want with no oversight, and are also presumably happy. Source of conflict removed, win, win?

I can’t work out if this is astronomically miserly or financial abuse. It’s fine to budget, but this is mental.

Does he do the main budget/spending? Or do you? Does he see the whole picture...or just the nice stuff coming in and fret about how much they cost?

He obviously has some hang up/anxiety about it to keep wittering on about it. Maybe childhood justified. Maybe just tightness. But this is not just a "wrinkle".

I think you need to tackle this otherwise it will kill your relationship. His passive aggressive comments will eventually seal your vagina shut.

Maybe do tey a very dull day income expenditures list...as above..broken down in cost per person....(Eg "DD was here that months... Grocery shop was 67.20 more overall and some electric use, but she paid in £100").

Then work out

1. if he can see that you/DC pay their way and his wittering is unfair.
2. In which case he needs to shut up.
3. If he doesn't shut up, he needs to either get therapy OR he clearly resents your DC so much you maybe need to rethink the relationship

Alternatively,

1. you agree that maybe a different split financially would work better?
2. What does he see as "fairer?"
3. Do you agree/see his point...or is he just being a cocklodger/free loader
4. Does this mean you need to rethink your relationship)

As above, this is not just a "wrinkle".

You know yogurt lasts months past its use by date don't you? No need to chuck it out unless the lid is bulging with gas

But yoghurt can be eaten past their date or frozen. Fruit can be frozen or made into smoothies or compote. We never waste anything as it's just throwing money away - we review & plan around.

That's what we came to agree on and he thinks it's ridiculously high and he has compromised. I tend to spend more on the two weeks I go shopping alone and then pay the extra into the account.

When he goes he buys the basics and the cheapest of everything.

That might actually be a great idea. I think it could be a winner!

Although he is very focused on us being a family and using the joint account but only on his terms.

Does he have any good features? He sounds pretty awful.

I can't shop somewhere else because he doesn't like things to be different, for example baked beans must be Aldi own brand, he can only have those specific coffee pods. He struggles with change and likes to have multiples of everything incase they ho out of stock.

I don't even mind that, it's part of who he is. Its just the moaning about money I that drives me mad.

I’m of the view that if people aren’t prepared to accept they become a family and they contribute to the family’s costs if moving in or marrying then they have no business moving in or marrying. I’m all for making it fair depending on earnings but not on the basis OP has 2 kids who aren’t his. I think you are very fair OP, more than fair, he’s being petty and tight when clearly money isn’t an issue - I don’t disagree with him about waste though so maybe think if he has a point on that . Do you over buy?

I mean, you just tell him you’ll divorce him or separate if he can’t compromise: it really is that simple. you can be very blunt because I’m sure he is when he needs to be: John, your undiagnosed autism and rigidity makes life quite hard for me. I make lots of allowances and you need to do the same for me. That means either we buy separate food or you never comment on what I buy again.

This is ridiculous and it’s a shame you weren’t aware of this before moving in.

He’s either resentful of your DCs being at home or he has issues (did he grow up poor or have an ex take advantage), maybe a bit of both.

The concern I have is that you’ll end up like housemates rather than husband and wife.
It is extra complicated if you have kids from a previous marriage though.

I would tell him to do an online shop and have a reoccurring delivery of which gets taken out of the joint account and you pay 2/3 of.
Then you can go shopping and spend whatever else you want on extras.

If you didn’t have DCs I’d absolutely not put up with this and would tell him to stop being such a stingy bastard but they do complicate things a bit so I understand why you’re not as confrontational about it.

I just hope that he doesn’t eat any of the ‘extra’ food that you buy - as that is not on.

There is something so gross about someone who is stingy.

Life’s too short to argue about this sort of thing. I’d have to say ‘the next time you bring this up I will leave you entirely to do your own food shopping and cooking as it’s tedious and unnecessary.’
I don’t think it’s about budget - it’s about him needing control (not being controlling, but needing to manage and understand what’s in stock) and ultimately not valuing what you enjoy (nice varied food) but benefitting from it as suits him.
Is a budget or showing him receipts actually necessary?

Yes. He is mean.

I'm really sorry OP, but he sounds dreadfully like my XP (also a lovely man, good looking, mostly good company). I posted on here a LOT about him and his little 'foibles' because when I was living with them they just seemed like particular oddnesses. Everyone told me to leave him. We split up and it's only now, looking back that I can see just how bloody bizarre his urge to spend as little as he possibly could was. Does your DH also shop for his clothes in the 'pile it high, sell it cheap' shops and insist on the exact same meals each day of the week?

Given his obsession with money, point out that showing three times a day and constantly using the hoover is wasting electricity.

OP, could you suggest to him that you choose a time each week when you can sit down together with a coffee and place, say, an Ocado order compiled by both of you?

He can buy Aldi beans and coffee pods in bulk when he does the shop, then you can go to Waitrose if you want!

@BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug interesting that the storage space argument might be that he may run out of space for his preferred baked beans and coffee pods etc Do you actually all eat together or does he prefer to eat his things separately?

I really think he should explore getting some help for this before it drives a bigger wedge into your relationship. Not sure I could live with him being like this. Could new rigidities emerge with time?

Why is he the only one who can insist on things? Could you insist that his multiple showers are limited to four minutes each? Because of the heating bill/water bill if you are on a meter/just the environment generally. How do you think he would react to you turning the boiler off four minutes into a shower?

I’d be really interested in your response to this.

Why is everything so contingent on what he wants/likes/prefers?

Ocado 🤣 are you trying to give the man a heart attack.

I would never do that, because I don't have an opinion on things that don't affect me. The water is a set rate and I am not so petty to complain about a few mins in the shower.

I am far more laid back than he is which in real terms means I compromiseore because I am not as bothered about it.

I tolerated living like this in a houseshare, as a student.

I would not be able to live like this even if, as you claim, it doesn't bother you.

The tightness and snide comments over grocery shopping would give me permanent ick.

We eat our evening meal together as a family, we always make an extra portion for him to take to work the next day too.

Occasionally of I am cooking something he won't eat I makes something different for him. I am cooking separately for DS anyway (autistic) so it doesn't bother me.

When he cooks he cooked it they way he likes it which is fine just quite bland.