AIBU to tell him to buy his own food

[BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug]

Me and DH have set a household budget as follows;

All household expenses including food are paid from the joint account. We totalled them up, set a budget including a buffer and then split it 60:40 with me paying 60 him paying 40, this was my suggestion as I earnore than he does.

I pay all child related expenses for my son, school dinners, bus fares, clubs, allowance, clothes, presents etc from my personal account because the children are mine from a previous marriage.

DD is 18 and buys all her own stuff and expenses and contributed £100 a month to food which goes into the joint account.

I have another DS who is away at uni and I pay anything for him out of my personal account.

Anyway all that to say, he is not subsidising my kids.

We set a food budget of £150 a week, if it the shopping goes over this then I transfer the extra from my personal account to the joint account. When DS was home over summer for example I was putting extra in every week which is fine. His GF also stayed for a week and I bout extra treats etc and feeding six People so it did go quite over but it didn't cost DH anything at all.

So this morning I am going to do the food shop since he is at work and he has just given me a lecture about not buying shite, trying to get under budget. Saying how when he went last week he only spent £120 (I was away with work for 3 days so he had less to feed) .

Would I be unreasonable to tell him to do his own shopping if he is that bothered!! It literally doesn't cost him a penny extra regardless of what I buy!!

(We are very comfortable financially so not like he is worried about money, take home between us of 6k and total bills including food less than 2k)

I’m not someone who believes that the only solution to a partner being a dickhead about something is to LTB. This, to me, is not a relationship ended and I don’t think most of the people pointing out how shit this is actually think you should leave your husband.

However, you’re coming across as super passive and placatory. I have to X, because he wants Y. The budget is super low because he’s tight. I have to shop at Aldi because he struggles with different brands of baked beans. What you’re describing isn’t compromise, it’s kowtowing. You need to stand up for yourself, assert some boundaries and stop being so ‘but he wouldn’t like that’. This will probably lead to a few rows, and that’s okay.

Does your DH know/recognise all the accommodations you make for his behavioural preferences? I’m guessing you would need to be explicit as he may be someone who doesn’t pick up on subtle points.
Have you ever had a conversation naming the changes you’ve made for his comfort and asking him to reciprocate for yours (recognising this will mean him tolerating the discomfort he feels around change).

So he doesn’t make multiple versions to
cater to the preferences of everyone else? Does he also cook separately for your DS when he cooks?

This is why we don’t have joint finances. I couldn’t stand anyone telling me what I could buy and neither could DH. We aren’t very good at saving though, so it’s swings and roundabouts, not sure where the happy middle ground is. I would say that if you go over a lot then up the food budget and then you will always be under!

Was about to say the same. Look at us we got 4k disposable income left a month

Well he wouldn't be being tight with my money!

I would have strong words and if he didn't stop the nonsense, I would end the relationship. Who wants to live like that?

Bloody hell, he sounds insufferable and I certainly wouldn’t be able to live like that. And nobody would be telling me where I can or can’t shop. So yes, I think he should do his own boringly depressing shopping and you can go to Tesco or wherever the hell you want and buy exactly what you want!

I have an open mind about understanding that adult relationships need to look different in mid-life once there are children involved, but this really does not sound like a functioning marital or family unit, OP. Do you really want to live like this?

Youre fine compromising now, and bending over backwards because it’s all new.

It is going to get very old very quickly.

Is the younger ds his child also?

This is a very interesting post which i can relate to very well. My DH has three children from a previous marriage and i have one from a previous marriage too and we have one together. I used to do the food shopping for everyone and the cooking, but it got to the point my DH was demanding more and more to the point i said - you buy your own food and your kids food and i will sort my DS and joint son. He didn't like it at all. And don't get me started on the household bills which are 50/50 but he has three children and i have one and we have a joint one together.

Personally i would say, if you are unhappy overall in the relationship what makes you stay? And if this is just the only issue... Tell him it would be easier if he buys his own food as you can't be bothered with the drama of it.

This and your suggestion will fracture your marriage OP.

I mean, £150 a week seems like a normal amount for a family especially with a few older teens/young adults who pop back occasionally.

Why doesn’t he do the food shopping if he thinks he can get it under budget? 🙄

I do all the food shopping in our house. Dh does not complain, but he is often continually shocked at the cost of things when he does buy them. Had to run to the shop to get ketchup recently and he was like, that shop was nearly £5 for a bottle of ketchup! Yes, it is. 😂 That’s what it costs.

Maybe if he had to budget to do the shop, he’d have more appreciation for what things cost. That said, as he isn’t paying for any of the top ups - you are - he shouldn’t be complaining as it’s not his money anyway. My Dh buys his own alcohol as I don’t drink. I don’t care how much he spends. His money, not mine. As long as he doesn’t complain if he runs out of money (which he doesn’t, but he wouldn’t complain).

Oh, come on, @BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug! Aldi food (only Aldi food) and no cleaner? That’s a shit life when you earn a good salary and could live more comfortably. Why the hell are you cleaning bathrooms on top of work and child raising? Do you ever see your younger son? Spend time with him and talk about his future? Because it sounds as if every waking minute outside work is spent on penny pinching and drudgery.

I couldn’t fancy a man who imposed such miserable limitations on me.

Bless you. He’s very like my husband.

Suggestion for the future- create a fun budget, money that has to be spent. No matter how much the fun budget builds, it can’t go in the general pot or into savings. It must be spent. That way you’ll be able to get a coffee at an overpriced tourist trap or go to an expensive tourist attraction and buy some fudge. 😅

You have to get good at ignoring his grumbling. Just tune it out, yes dear, and carry on as you were. Do not reflect his energy or you’ll end up arguing. Humour him.

I’m not convinced I could live with such a miserly man.

He hasn’t got enough to do. Either put him in charge of shopping and menus as pp said, and don’t forget the frank evaluation of his choices or find him other stuff to do. You’re working too hard!

Completely agree.

Nah! I can't be dealing with any of this shit!
I love a low stress life, and he just sounds too much 😞.
Whatever you decide OP, you're not the problem in this scenario.

That’s a great idea if married to someone on the tight side!!

Nothing to add other than my partner pays all the food including for my son from previous marriage.

Also you can afford it so live a little. Treat yourself and kids. You only live once ❤️ if he winges tell him to shut up as your new resolution is to enjoy life.

Why is he the only one who can insist on things? Could you insist that his multiple showers are limited to four minutes each? Because of the heating bill/water bill if you are on a meter/just the environment generally.

I am not so petty to complain about a few mins in the shower.

Of course you aren't. But you wouldn't be so petty as to complain about going over the food budget either.
The point is, it's a bargaining tool isn't it? Every time he moans about money you remind him how much extra his showers (or his coffee pods) cost. Repeat as often as necessary.

I honestly think it would be better to try and get him to see how unreasonable he is being, rather than change your financial arrangements to suit him. Because I don't think it will solve the problem - he will just find something else to stress about.

Wtf tell him to pay for and do his own shopping and cook his own meals! I’m funny about stuff and brands but don’t expect my partner to take this on

You can't buy treats or decent food.
You have to buy from Aldi.
And yet he wastes money on four showers a day and non stop hoovering etc.

I'm still trying to work out the domestic drudgery.
You work, clean bathrooms, kitchen, dust and mop, cook several meals per mealtime, pays bills?
He works, sometimes cooks but moans about ingredients, and takes out the bin.

He might be autistic or ocd BUT the end result is him controlling you. Controlling where you shop, what you eat, what you spend. He is eroding your choices and your self esteem and that is no way to live.

Yes he also cooks separately for DS, he is good with the kids.