AIBU to tell him to buy his own food

[BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug]

Me and DH have set a household budget as follows;

All household expenses including food are paid from the joint account. We totalled them up, set a budget including a buffer and then split it 60:40 with me paying 60 him paying 40, this was my suggestion as I earnore than he does.

I pay all child related expenses for my son, school dinners, bus fares, clubs, allowance, clothes, presents etc from my personal account because the children are mine from a previous marriage.

DD is 18 and buys all her own stuff and expenses and contributed £100 a month to food which goes into the joint account.

I have another DS who is away at uni and I pay anything for him out of my personal account.

Anyway all that to say, he is not subsidising my kids.

We set a food budget of £150 a week, if it the shopping goes over this then I transfer the extra from my personal account to the joint account. When DS was home over summer for example I was putting extra in every week which is fine. His GF also stayed for a week and I bout extra treats etc and feeding six People so it did go quite over but it didn't cost DH anything at all.

So this morning I am going to do the food shop since he is at work and he has just given me a lecture about not buying shite, trying to get under budget. Saying how when he went last week he only spent £120 (I was away with work for 3 days so he had less to feed) .

Would I be unreasonable to tell him to do his own shopping if he is that bothered!! It literally doesn't cost him a penny extra regardless of what I buy!!

(We are very comfortable financially so not like he is worried about money, take home between us of 6k and total bills including food less than 2k)

So does he actually eat any of the 'crap' nice food you buy, or does he stick to his own cheap rubbish? Anyway, you're an adult and can buy what you want with your own money.

There’s no criticism in my question. Sometimes I guess the tone doesn’t come out written. It’s a question for the op to think about. I know too many women who stay in miserable relationships for no tangible reason.

Going to an actual shop for food sounds so quaint. Is there a reason why you don’t order groceries online?

And I note you didn’t answer my other question …

This is being really pedantic though....

We moved area to his town, council tax in my home town is cheaper.
Mortgage is less now because two of us are paying whereas he was paying by himself previously.

He showers three times a day, the rest of us just once. He charges his phone over night, I charge mine at work. It's just very petty when you are getting to that level of detail.

Are you enjoying finally living with him, @BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug?

Or do you miss your previous separate domestic arrangements?

Im wondering this as well. Presumably he has some redeeming features, otherwise returning to living separately seems like a good plan.

As well as wills, consider POA. If you become incapacitated in any way, he'll be the one managing your money - scrimping on the heating, refusing to buy in help. You have very different ideas on living comfortably.

It’s all very convenient for 18 year olds to be GROWN ADULTS WHO SHOULD PAY THEIR WAY…. But really that’s not the reality. An 18 year old with a salary isn’t equivalent to a 40 something who has opted into a relationship with children involved. Parents rarely say ‘ha son, you’re 18 now, please hand over your 1/4 of the mortgage, we’ll still pay for your brother as he’s 16.’ It’s unreasonable. OP your husband is unreasonable and a tight arse..

Have you guys sat down and done a full meal plan for 7 days - all ingredients, snacks, household goods etc (or for a month) and costed it, so he can see what it costs?

Or, as you say, get him to buy & cook hus own food & charge him if he uses yours.

Ultimately it's about compromise- I would spend a lot less on food that my partner would / does but we're in a partnership & there's give and take throughout the relationship.

How long have you been married?

He insists on shopping at Aldi (I used to get stuff delivered from Tesco)

I miss having full control over finances and I miss not having to compromise but I do love him and enjoy his company (mostly) so I wouldn't want to go back. I just want us to iron out these wrinkles.

Again though with the mortgage, yes the mortgage is cheaper with two paying but it could be even cheaper were it a smaller cheaper house and therefore cheaper mortgage.

I don’t think the mortgage is a petty detail really. 2 adults need a vastly different space to 4 adults, and so that is a higher cost even if there are 2 people paying.

So, storage isn’t an issue and there’s pretty limited waste. As I suspected.

And you’re doing the majority of the domestic labour, as well as paying more. Also as I suspected.

I’m not sure we can say anything you don’t already know, at this point.

Does he have OCD/ Autism? Can be very difficult to live with rigid behaviours. I speak from experience….

If he did the shopping he would eat plain chicken and rice every day. He is more than happy to eatore variety and nice meats and meals.

He also eats four meals a day compared to the rest of us having one (we don't eat breakfast and have lunch at school/work) he takes lunch.

He doesnt eat much in the way of processed snacks but we buy the ingredients for him to make his own which none of us eat.

He had coffee pods that we don't drink, he has two types of milk etc etc

‘Wrinkles’ 😬

Do you share the rest of your money?

What are you doing?
Why did you marry such a mean man?
What exactly was the point at this stage of your life?
Madness.

Not diagnosed but we are pretty sure he has one of those. We generally just rub along with it, like when he switches every bloody switch off all the time, he insists on everyone eating at the table only, does his own washing, puts the hoover on twenty times a day....

All of that we just work around but I am not living like I am ontje poverty line because he has some obsession about a budget that probably doesn't even reflect the real cost of food. And I still conform to his idea and just pay the extra myself so I have just got to the end of my tether when he is still complaining!

By the time I have paid 60% of bills plus all extra expenses for school aged DS plus paying for 3/4 of holidays we come out with roughly the same spending money.

I do want to point out that although we have very different opinions on money we do love each other, we enjoy each others company, he is good with the kids and genuinely listens to them, gives them advice etc.

I still fancy him and we still date and share interests etc.

I just want him to stop moaning about the bloody budget (that we agreed together) and to not lecture me when I go over it given that it doesn't actually affect him on any way.

Ok, and kindly … are you absolutely sure that you can live like this? Autism/OCD can have a way of suffusing the household and making everyone dance to its tune. Other people’s neurodiversity- inflected obsessions can be quite intolerable.

Maybe remaining married but living separately eould be better all round.

Miserly nit picking Husband aside, I am genuinely shocked at your food budget? £35 per week per person, does that include toiletries, cleaning stuff etc? I was spending nearly that as a student 30 years ago! 1/10 of your household income on food is so low and you are on a good household income. Is this driven by your Husband too?

Goodness the more you post the more my hackles are rising just reading about him, let alone living with him. Your finances seem sensibly split to me.

Why is he the only one who can insist on things? Could you insist that his multiple showers are limited to four minutes each? Because of the heating bill/water bill if you are on a meter/just the environment generally. How do you think he would react to you turning the boiler off four minutes into a shower?

In your shoes if it was my turn to shop then I would bloody well go and shop where I wanted. How can he insist you go to Aldi when it is you doing the going? Perhaps the shopping should be done by both of you each week with totally separate budgets and locations of your own choosing.

He really needs to seek some help for his compulsive/controlling behaviours. If he doesn’t see that these are creating issues then that is the real issue that requires addressing.

I wonder when he does the weekly shop does he just buy the obvious meat, veg, fruit, occasional cleaning product. My husband is good at buying ingredients for a couple of meals, but I'm the one who remembers to buy the store cupboard stuff like oil, vinegar, herbs spices, stock etc.

Is this a new marriage? You chose to marry a misery who’s fussy about his food and laundry and moans a lot. Hopefully his good points are worth it. Good luck changing his personality, I’ve not managed it in over 20 years.

From the sounds of things, even though you say you don’t want to leave now, I’m pretty sure you will in a years time. These issues will slowly erode any positivity you have about the relationship and will become very unhappy.

I’d make plans to move out and get my own place and sell the joint house. Your kids won’t be around for much longer presumably with moving out for uni/ living their own lives.