What would you do if your child punched someone in the face at school?

[DarkSunshine]

Had a phonecall from my son's school today to inform me that he'd attacked another boy in the playground. Apparently there was an argument over a game (the other child said my son was no good at it and he didn't want him to play anymore) so my son pushed him to the floor and proceeded to punch him in the face before being pulled off him.

As punishment he'll miss his break times for the rest of the week and he's been banned from the school trip next week.

DH thinks this is a fair punishment and he shouldn't face anymore consequences from us at home and that he was being "wound up" by the other boy. Personally I think he should have further consequences at home because I don't want to make him think he can do things like that at school and we won't have anything to say about it.

He's in year 5 and about to turn 10 in a couple of weeks. This isn't the first time something like this has happened and I feel like we really need to come down quite hard this time.

He has no SEN.

Aibu?

I have known a couple of boys begin to lash out at around this age and early teens when something annoyed them. It wasn't a case of having no conscience as much as feeling frustrated and confused and angry but not knowing how to express it. The best results came from two in particular, whose parents handled it by immediately putting them into high energy sports - one did field hockey and the other martial arts, to be able to work out their 'aggression'. I don't know that aggression is exactly the right term but either way, both these boys were then able to express their feelings physically in an appropriate environment rather than lashing out in anger. They got the release they needed and no-one got hurt. they've both grown into fine men and neither has any issues with inappropriate aggressive behaviour - quite the opposite in fact. I think it's something you should seriously consider.

A friend of mine is a martial arts teacher and one of the most important parts of their learning is all about discipline, about defending rather than attacking and about using any aggression or anger wisely. Lashing out is incredibly frowned upon, they learn to direct their frustration carefully. It's such a strong point of focus for them and it really works. The training is as much mental as physical. It certainly doesn't make it worse - unless the child has a serious emotional or psychological problem which needs proper medical treatment anyway.

It's quite a disadvantaged school and I think they don't like to exclude unless absolutely necessary. I actually thought they would exclude him for this.

There has never been an incident as severe as this, it was always a bit more vague on who was at fault previously.

I've had conversations with his teacher but never a formal meeting or anything like that.

This

I agree with you . You need to have a serious talk with him which he will hate . You need to explain that if he does this past 16 he will end up in prison. You need to punish him in a way he will feel such as no electronics for a week etc . Then you need to chat with him about what he should do if such a situation happens again .

100% speak to his school but I'd also be seeking anger management/therapy for him. Perhaps even a child psychologist as you talk about his lack of empathy. Either way, swift intervention now is needed.

I'd also be punishing at home: he must learn that violence is never the answer. The first thing to go for us would be electronics/phone privileges and I'd be creating lectures about 'one punch' deaths to educate him about why violence is never the answer and how it could have ended much worse.

I'm so sorry you aren't being supported by your husband.

Yes, I would ask to speak to the SENCO. Even though your son doesn't have SEN, the SENCO can provide interventions based on needs, rather than diagnosis, and your sons behaviour suggests he has an unmet need. My son receives emotional coaching through school (although he is AuDHD so does have SEN) and it's possible your son could benefit from something similar.

Age of criminal responsibility in the UK is 10.

Exactly- no amount of missing break times and excursions teaches emotional regulation either
The goal is to grow and learn from the mistakes and show empathy to others

Do not further punish him at home. Also often having difficulty with emotional regulation is a sign of underlying issues Consider ways to teach better communication skills and also keep positive ly mentoring and showing your son the kindness and compassion that you want him to show.

I’ll second the idea of him doing rugby. My 12 y/o DS plays both rugby and football and is exposed to a lot of children from various different schools at the rugby club. It’s not his preferred sport, but the skills, discipline, camaraderie and respect for coaches and teammates learned there seem to help him manage provocations at football matches - where tensions often seem more heightened.

I think it also gives them more of an awareness of their own strength too.

He needs to understand his emotions better but he also needs to face consequences for his behaviour. I think both of these things are equally important.

No i dont thinl children should get away with things like this bit i think punishment only makes the adults feel better they have done something

So those that punish what do you think it actually achieves, and did you learn anything from your parents punishing you?

I will say the school action had to happen but I see that as a consequence, parents adding to it makes no sense to me

This school sounds appalling

Yes, he should be further punished at home. It is very serious to lose control attacking someone violently. Every week some teenager dies or suffers life changing injuries from mindless violence. Boys especially need to be reminded that hands can kill.

I don't think extra punishment is going to make a difference. I would let the school punishment stand, and be spending time trying to understand what on earth happened for him, and doing an awful lot of work of naming and regulating emotions, and coaching in social interactions.

Kids who don't get support from home, ie punishments or consequences, grow up thinking school are the bad guys, and home I can do what I like. At 9 it's about showing you back the school, especially over a repeated incident.

A good natural consequence would be to spend time writing a letter of apology.

I'd also ban screens and say 'research shows that you need good emotional regulation to game/watch TV, at the moment you're not showing good emotional regulation, so no screens. Instead we'll work together in that time towards some strategies'. Then have plans and talk through different incidents. Mega praise every time he gets worked up and doesn't lash out.

Does he game a lot? All these games are so aggressive, even though it’s fictional, You beat up the adversary to win. QED

DS needs to learn hes responsible for hos behaviour regardless of how he feels. He will be wound up at work, in relationships, in hobbies as he grows he cant push then batter someone because they irritated him. Hes lucky he avoided explusion, yes id punish him at home

I've barely been able to look at him tonight because I'm so ashamed of his behaviour.

Have you told him this? I mean, might the shock of his own mother telling him she can hardly bear to look at him because she is so ashamed of him being a bit of a wake up call

Parents can discuss issues and work out solutions to behavioural problems

Punishment itself does nothing

This is absolutely not ok and your DH is wrong to try and brush it under the carpet. You need to work out where this anger is coming from and why DS is unable to control his emotions. At 9 you can maybe still deal with this. At 16 it’s a different matter.

We'll agree to disagree. Every child I've taught who gets no punishment/consequences, whatever you want to call them, from home, becomes increasingly harder to keep in a classroom.

Haven't read whole thread. But what would I do? I would be self-referring my child for psychology assessment and support and OT input, with supporting letters from the school, and asking for advice on how to help him stop this violent behaviour. I would ask for family counselling to help me come up with some measures or consequences that would make a difference rather than choosing some arbitrary punishment and hoping blindly it doesn't happen again (or it will). I would be talking to my son and reassuring him i love him very much but that we need to work together to make changes, and get him on board.

If he was my child I'd be looking for a counselor for him. His behavior is extreme.

I would be finding out exactly what was going on in his head. Was in fully in control of himself and decided he wanted to hurt this child or did he loose the plot and loose his ability to control what he did? Then I’d learn from his answer what you are dealing with.

I’d probably consider play therapy. And I agree with the martial arts/rugby activities, good to channel aggression.

I wouldn’t thing an extra punishment would help stop this happening again - that will be harder as you need to build whatever skill he hasn’t developed yet to stop this. But I would encourage him to write a card to the boy he hurt with a genuine apology.

Don’t get stuck catastrophing about it. Telling him you are worried he will end up in prison and stuff. I think that you need to give a positive message that together, you can come up with a plan so that an incident like this never happens again.