What would you do if your child punched someone in the face at school?

[DarkSunshine]

Had a phonecall from my son's school today to inform me that he'd attacked another boy in the playground. Apparently there was an argument over a game (the other child said my son was no good at it and he didn't want him to play anymore) so my son pushed him to the floor and proceeded to punch him in the face before being pulled off him.

As punishment he'll miss his break times for the rest of the week and he's been banned from the school trip next week.

DH thinks this is a fair punishment and he shouldn't face anymore consequences from us at home and that he was being "wound up" by the other boy. Personally I think he should have further consequences at home because I don't want to make him think he can do things like that at school and we won't have anything to say about it.

He's in year 5 and about to turn 10 in a couple of weeks. This isn't the first time something like this has happened and I feel like we really need to come down quite hard this time.

He has no SEN.

Aibu?

Is he violent at home? Does he have siblings?

Could you help him get some emotional support so he can have healthier outlets?
Are you sure he's ok? Brutal violence is most common in children experiencing abuse.

He needs a talking to about controlling his temper. As a boy he's about to grow big and strong and an inability to stop himself being violent to could have serious consequences. Part of being a man is being able to control yourself.

A friend of a friend's son was killed when he was beaten up outside a pub a few years ago. I don't know what the fight was about but the man who punched him is in jail for man slaughter now. Not to say that's the fate of every 10 year old who gets in a scrap but just pointing out these things need to be nipped in the bud.

Ask yourself how would you feel if it had been your son that was punched in the face, and your post had been written by the other mother?

DH thinks this is a fair punishment and he shouldn't face anymore consequences from us at home and that he was being "wound up" by the other boy.

And if you had have smacked him on the face during that conversation it would have been ok with him presumably, because he is as winding you up?? Fuck right off, I can see why you have an issue.

Yes, punishment at home is needed as well, but you really need to carve some time out to work out why he is so violent. Is there therapy he could attend? Is he violent at home? Is your husband violent?!

I think actually op I would be looking into professional help. That may sound a touch overkill for one fight as it stands but he’s so young to be acting in such an aggressive manner. I’d be worried about the why and I’d be worried about escalation in his future without intervention.

I'd be wondering why the school was so lenient. Is there something missing in this story. Not victim blaming but does that child have a history of pushing other children's buttons?

Find out if they deserved it.

Wow.

If your child was the victim what would you hope the parents of the attacker were doing?

how do you and your dh want to be viewed as parents as well. You say this isn’t the first time, so parents are going to be talking. You don’t get many chances to change peoples opinions on you and your children. However I’m pretty sure you at least don’t want to be known as the parent who doesn’t parent their child and that their child is an aggressive bully that they don’t want their children near.

We just had another school stabbing recently. Two young teen lads meeting for a punch up, right outside of their school, one decided to bring a knife. Now he is due in court for stabbing. I’m sure it wasn’t his first offence of fighting either but whatever his parents did wasn’t very helpful in stomping out the fighting and now his live is ruined and another child is permanently scared.

He's in year 5 and about to turn 10 in a couple of weeks. This isn't the first time something like this has happened and I feel like we really need to come down quite hard this time.

I would be very very concerned about this repeated behaviour. Once the initial bollocking is administered do you ever have a calm chat with him about what happens when he does this? I mean does he get scared by his own actions? Does he enjoy getting revenge for the perceived wrong the other person has committed against him? Has he considered walking away or is it just an instant thing he does? This behaviour would really bother me but I think that’s because my son’s father was/is violent and my son has SEN so stamping out this kind of behaviour was very important. Some people are very much “boys will be boys” though.

@DarkSunshine
If he did that to a schoolmate after him saying he didn't want him to play; he's got a anger/aggression problem taking seed right there
You have to sort this out/do something definite, how long before he becomes a right bully using force?
What about the girls in his strata of the school; he may start to see them as "soft meat" an expression I hate but have heard used
And when not if the police/other concerned parents become involved you're going to find yourself totally backfooted
As he will be then home with you and you won't like it/ may not be able to cope
Your husband is being typical
Oh let the school do the punishing
Oh he'll grow out of it/ the other boy started it
Oh it wasn't that bad really
Excetera, etcetera and so on and so forth
Tackle him now
Actions especially the bad ones will have consequences
This he has to learn

Your DH is enabling and minimising.

Your ds doesn’t sound very nice.

I am surprised the school didn’t exclude him. How is your ds with other friends?

Thank you for everyone's comments, to try and address a few points:

His Dad is not violent or abusive, in fact he's far too laid back and passive if anything. He doesn't really argue just shrugs his shoulders and tends to bury his head in the sand about any issues

DS has an older sister who is 14, he's not violent to her and she's never been violent to anyone.

He's always been a very domineering child, as much as I've tried to steer him away from always wanting to be in control he just goes back to the behaviours. He's not being abused, he just seems to want to be in power over people and I don't know how to stamp that out.

We've had so many deep conversations with him about how to treat people and why he should treat people with respect etc he just can't seem to help himself when someone insults him or whatever. I've barely been able to look at him tonight because I'm so ashamed of his behaviour.

I keep thinking about the poor boy and his mother having to be told he's been brutally attacked like that.

Years ago my DD was slapped in the face by a pupil at primary school, around the same age as your DS. I was so shocked and hurt. The school dealt with it the way they did, I don’t even remember what the punishment was, I wasn’t interested. My DC had been assaulted. The next day I went to school and
waited in the playground for the mother of the child to arrive, I was shaking in my boots, I am not confrontational, but will stand up for myself and my DC. I approached the mother and told her who I was and told her how hurt we both were about what had happened. Obviously the mother was mortified, apologised and invited us over for a play date at an arranged date. My DD and I accepted and went. The girls became friends, not best, but friends.

My DD and I talk about it to this day.

I am not saying you should do this @DarkSunshine but I understand how awful you must feel and you most probably feel that some action over above the school action is necessary. Not necessarily punishment but something.

Id think i had a serious issue with my son

This ^

Yes this is exactly what I'm thinking, he's not taking it seriously at all. I want to come at this as a united front.

DS has plenty of friends, he tends to be the leader of the group and it's when things don't go his way that he lashes out. Which of course is a horrible personality trait to have.

I'm so worried he just doesn't have a conscience or something. How do you force someone to have a conscience?

I'd want to know the full story from your son first, I had a very similar scenario with one of mine (many years ago) at a similar age. Turned out the other boy had been winding him up/bullying him for 6 months until he finally lost it and punched the boy on the nose after he pinched his football cards off my son's desk in front of him (unfortunately also in front of the teacher😂). Never happened before or after. I didn't punish him, everybody has their limit. Obviously I told him he should have told us and we would have done something about it before it reached that point and violence is never the answer unless in self defence. Funnily enough the boy stopped bullying him after that and they still played football together.

You need to come down hard on this and should have earlier by the sound of it. Your husband is a fool if he thinks he's being punished enough at school.

Are those friends his friends or are they just scared of being on the end of his fists?

You worry your 10 year old doesn’t have a conscience

Ok I am guessing a HUGE backstory

What do you mean?

Does your son struggle academically? Is he good at sports? I agree that doing nothing is not helpful but equally he sounds troubled and I’d be trying to get to the bottom of that.