What would you do if your child punched someone in the face at school?

[DarkSunshine]

Had a phonecall from my son's school today to inform me that he'd attacked another boy in the playground. Apparently there was an argument over a game (the other child said my son was no good at it and he didn't want him to play anymore) so my son pushed him to the floor and proceeded to punch him in the face before being pulled off him.

As punishment he'll miss his break times for the rest of the week and he's been banned from the school trip next week.

DH thinks this is a fair punishment and he shouldn't face anymore consequences from us at home and that he was being "wound up" by the other boy. Personally I think he should have further consequences at home because I don't want to make him think he can do things like that at school and we won't have anything to say about it.

He's in year 5 and about to turn 10 in a couple of weeks. This isn't the first time something like this has happened and I feel like we really need to come down quite hard this time.

He has no SEN.

Aibu?

Have you told him how you feel? Like not how it can affect him and go to prison but how it is a deeply unlikeable way to behave and that you can't look at him because you're so ashamed of him? And let it hang. See what he says and go from there.

Does your DH have a temper problem?

Punishing him is one thing.

More importantly he needs to learn how to react when someone is ‘wounding him up’, is being unkind etc….
He needs to learn to handle his emotions better.
Punishing him isn’t going to teach him that.

Some consequences at home. I'd say usually not for run of the mill stuff, but this is serious. He could be in big trouble if he were 10.

This wilL achieve the square root of zero

I hadn't really considered rugby, it could be an option I suppose but I'm not convinced it's really a solution.

I know I'm catastrophising a bit when I say about him not having a conscience, I'm just so worried about this.

Would it be worth having a meeting with someone at the school to discuss my concerns? I wonder if they have any sort of interventions they can do with him alongside things I can do with him at home.

Im a great believer generally in letting school deal with school issues. But that can't apply to violence/bullying/intimidation.

What had DS said? Is he ashamed or does he not care? I'd be considering therapy and also an ultimatum that if he doesn't improve, you'll withdraw him from football.

There absolutely have to be consequences at home. School and home have to walk in step, side by side, to undo any socialisation of acceptability of violence in boys (or in girls for that matter if they're so inclined). I speak as a parent of a DC younger than yours who has this inclination and we have zero tolerance of it at home and there are consequences.

Consequently, the school is usually reasonably understanding with us when / if these events happen because they know we do not accept it.

Some children do have this trait and they have to be trained out of it. And parents can't shirk their share of the responsibility or the children grow up thinking it's acceptable. It is literally the job of the family to do this.

In my experience, sports coaches are not as honest on behaviour and take the diplomatic approach.

I would expect if you were watching the games you would no your DS reaction to be unacceptable.

Speak to DH. Set boundaries and consequences.

If you can't manage at 9 high school will be a struggle.

I was going to suggest this. Make an appointment with the school and have an open discussion about how worried you are, and see if they can do some emotional recognition/regulation intervention, or refer somewhere for support. He needs some proper input at this stage around managing emotions and impulses etc. Even something like Play Therapy may shed some light on things.

I'd echo some other posters who have said that punishment alone is unlikely to work...he needs help to build missing skills.

My DC would have been grounded until further notice, which meant in room basic foods only all gaming options etc removed.

And it would have continued like that until I knew why it had happened. Why he thought it was ok, and ahat he’s going to do to prove he will never behave like that again. And things removed would be earnt back.

and yes my DC was grounded growing up but only for very minor things and never hurt another child.

DS has plenty of friends, he tends to be the leader of the group and it's when things don't go his way that he lashes out.

In that case, you need to challenge him at home.
Say No to him, or not that way etc… and teach him to accept he can’t always get his own way. Board games can be good for that, esp when collaboration is required.
No ‘boys will be boys’ (which sounds like the way your dh is thinking).

Being a leader is great.
But good leaders aren’t bullies. They listen to other people, they advise, they support. Whereas it sounds like your definition of leader is bring the chief in command, do as I say type.

You mean to say that this behaviour is not new and the school have never asked to speak to you before??

This is a very difficult situation for you, OP, and I'm sorry your DH is not seeing things in the same way as you. Of course there must be a sanction (I avoid the sadistic word 'punishment'), ideally one that can be combined with trying to understand why physical violence is what he turns to when he's crossed.

Do you have plans for the weekend you could put on hold (without earning; just announce it on Saturday morning), so you can spend two days at home with bursts of conversation to try and help all three of you understand better what is going on and whether some form of professional support would move things on? You would be able to calmly say something along the lines of 'You do nasty, violent things to other people and life will quickly become much less pleasant, because no-one wants to spend time with a boy who punches people in the face. So now, no school trip and no (trip to see cousins/X's party/going to buy new football boots/going to the climbing wall) this weekend. And if you carry on punching people when life isn't going your way, the police will be getting involved, and the courts, and you'll end up with a criminal record. Everyone of the 90,000 people in prison began with a small thing, then did a bigger thing, and an even bigger thing.' Then you can start to probe into why he thinks he has done what he has done.

Yes absolutely talk to the school. Although the fact the school seem to be down playing it is concerning.

That’s an excellent idea.

They might also have picked up on behaviours you don’t see at home (and the other way around!)

Does he have any siblings? How is he with them?

It doesn't matter if the other child was violent too. You need to make clear and obvious that regardless of what other children do, that violence is never ever an option. And if he resorts to it, the consequences will be heavy.

It takes years to train this into them. Any slight occurrence, you issue a consequence. Every single time. My DC still gives in to it (today they did). But the result is the same. We come down on it. DC knows better. Told me that they should have gone and told an adult instead of giving in to the impulse. Knows that it's wrong even if they still give into the impulse at the time.

It is hard work and a slog. But it's the parents job.

This is very true. As soon as he gets to secondary school, the older boys/boys from other feeder schools, get wind will egg him on to fight and that will be him pigeonholed for life.

You are right to he concerned. What do you mean by he wants to dominate? Does he get his own way at home? If so, how does he manage this? Does he show due deference to his dad and truly recognise him as the authoritative male of the house?

I think your comment about ‘not having a conscience’ is understandable. Ordinarily we like to think that when a child is confronted (however sensitively) about violent behaviour or frequent displays of selfishness, that there will be a sincere recognition that they have transgressed. If your son isn’t taking responsibility for his behaviour, it isn’t something which you can ignore. Your husband will not be helping things by passing the buck to the school, shrugging his shoulders and saying ‘the school have determined the sanction’. You need to get your husband on board, otherwise the penny isn’t going to drop with your child.

What's your ds reaction to the incident now?

I would 100% get him to write an apology letter to the child and perhaps another to the parents.

I would also remove all screens, violent TV shows, books etc.

I don’t think rugby alone is going to be the whole solution but I think from how you’ve described him, it will do him good and is a brilliant sport for teaching respect, control and getting to use aggression productively. If he likes to lead, that’s hard to do if you’re only academically average, but it sounds like sport is his thing and I’d be doing everything in my power to boost his self esteem. Happy kids don’t punch others.

I’d also definitely be speaking to the school about interventions and support for you and your husband in how to deal with his behaviour before it escalates further.

I think you are making a bigger deal of this than needs be - he is still learning about himself , regulating emotions is hard at that age - he will get better at this as he gets older . I would spend some time teaching him about his nervous system and educating him about what happens to his brain when fight / flight kicks in . Teach him him some strategies for calming himself such as deep breathing etc . This is from a mum who has 2 teenage sons , one of which did v similar and is now 16 and is much more controlled. Don’t be too hard on him / you - telling him you are scared he could end up in prison could well be terrifying for him

just to add , rugby has been the making of my DS, teaches discipline and respect and is also an outlet for frustration