What would you do if your child punched someone in the face at school?

[DarkSunshine]

Had a phonecall from my son's school today to inform me that he'd attacked another boy in the playground. Apparently there was an argument over a game (the other child said my son was no good at it and he didn't want him to play anymore) so my son pushed him to the floor and proceeded to punch him in the face before being pulled off him.

As punishment he'll miss his break times for the rest of the week and he's been banned from the school trip next week.

DH thinks this is a fair punishment and he shouldn't face anymore consequences from us at home and that he was being "wound up" by the other boy. Personally I think he should have further consequences at home because I don't want to make him think he can do things like that at school and we won't have anything to say about it.

He's in year 5 and about to turn 10 in a couple of weeks. This isn't the first time something like this has happened and I feel like we really need to come down quite hard this time.

He has no SEN.

Aibu?

If it’s not the first time he has behaved like this then I think you need to come down hard. He’s 9 and punching other children in the face.

Being wound up is no excuse for shoving someone over then when they are on the ground punching them in the face till being pulled off.

In a couple of weeks he will be the age of having criminal responsibility. You need to get this sorted asap. Not brush it off.

I think you're right. I'm surprised he hasn't been excluded.

Agree.

I would also come down hard of this if it's not the 1st time. I would also look into how he's managing his anger, it's not nice that he was getting wound up but his actions seem a pretty extreme response

Completely agree and it is worrying that his father thinks it is okay to respond to verbal provocation with violence

I would be trying to figure out WHY he thought that was an appropriate response to being slighted, rather than layering on punishments and shame (he should already be feeling shameful? Do you think he is?). It is (VERY) worrying rather than being something to be furious at him over. You need to figure this out now before he's at secondary school or does something like this again. Have you noticed he's particularly violent when angry typically? What is his Dad like when he's angry?

I'm not very good at coming up with punishments as everything feels rather arbitrary to me and nothing "makes sense", so I'll let others help with that aspect.

This. Your husband’s attitude is appalling and completely wrong, putting ideas in your son’s head that if someone ‘winds you up’, it’s fine to physically attack people to the point of needing to be dragged off them will lead to terrible consequences further down the line. You need to come down on this hard now, preferably as a united front. An out of control boy soon becomes a dangerous man.

I thought you were going to say the school were harsh enough and didn't need to also make him miss the school trip.

But your take that there needs to at least be some punishment at home is also what I think. He needs to know how serious it is and that you also do not condone it. So well done. I can imagine hearing that - you felt awful. But the fact that you want to enforce consequences and acknowledge he's had other incidents in the past is good.

Too often nowadays kids get away with far too much and parents are quick to make excuses for them.

But as well as a consequence you do need to talk to him and see where this anger comes from and see if you can come up with some calming strategies. it might not work but at least he will have had an input if you discuss together.

Absolutely he should face stronger consequences.
Perhaps part of the problem is a father who thinks its ok to punch someone in the face because their words have irked you.

The school have been very lenient here. You really need to come down hard on this type of behaviour.

This is not good and your husband needs to realise this . Punching people is never ok .

Sorry, I also meant to say I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. It must be incredibly difficult.

Do you know if the boy was injured.

This is very very concerning

You have to tell him how bad this was, how disappointed you are in him, etc. etc., what other punishments you do is up to you, but he has to understand how not ok this was.

I would tonight be mostly worried about what the heck is going on that my year 5 boy is behaving violently like this

Agree his behaviour also needs addressing at home. Have you considered getting him into some kind of martial arts? It’s about discipline as much as anything else.

I agree with this. A stern conversation is needed to get to the heart of the matter, and whether he is reflective or remorseful. Then as parents you decide what further ‘coaching’ or modelling you need to do to improve his empathy, reactiveness, self esteem etc or whatever it is.

Missing his pocket money or nintendo will do jack shit in the long term. But if you’re really concerned about his attitudes and behaviours then a serious parental conversation, disapproval and expectations of change is what you should be doing. Your DH’s suggestion of leaving it to the school is neglectful.

I'd be worried that his father is minimising his violence.

Missing break times and a trip is nothing, and not really a related punishment either. I’m also surprised he hasn’t been excluded!
You can kill someone with one punch, there have been various campaigns over the years about this. I’d expect him to have some intervention along the lines of anger management and/or counselling to address why that was his go-to response.
Worrying that his dad doesn’t see the seriousness of this situation.

You could educate him/inform him about one punch kills?

You need to have a proper conversation with your ds. Really detailed and not just about this incident. Sometimes a child will lash out at another child who has been bullying them. It’s very common.

So you need to find out the root of the problem before deciding on punishment - or not.

Your ds could have a self control / anger problem, or he could be the victim of bullying. And you need to find out what has really gone on, in full. The school will still punish your ds for violence.

Unless you can get to the bottom of what's driving this, and address it, layering "punishments" over the top is going to do sod all, and probably compound the issue.

Was it a video game or soccer?

Your focus is wrong

You are worrying about the punishment rather than the why