What would you do if your child punched someone in the face at school?

[DarkSunshine]

Had a phonecall from my son's school today to inform me that he'd attacked another boy in the playground. Apparently there was an argument over a game (the other child said my son was no good at it and he didn't want him to play anymore) so my son pushed him to the floor and proceeded to punch him in the face before being pulled off him.

As punishment he'll miss his break times for the rest of the week and he's been banned from the school trip next week.

DH thinks this is a fair punishment and he shouldn't face anymore consequences from us at home and that he was being "wound up" by the other boy. Personally I think he should have further consequences at home because I don't want to make him think he can do things like that at school and we won't have anything to say about it.

He's in year 5 and about to turn 10 in a couple of weeks. This isn't the first time something like this has happened and I feel like we really need to come down quite hard this time.

He has no SEN.

Aibu?

If my boy suddenly punched a boy I would be deeply concerned and be asking why? And worried

I would not be thinking immediately he was devoid of a conscience.

I think you need a home punishment too and school have been surprisingly lenient,especially if he's done similar before.

Do you have a local PCSO? You could contact them and ask them to come and have a word, especially as he's nearing the age of criminal responsibility.

What has your son said about it this evening?

Well this isn't just because of this one incident obviously, I've already said this isn't the first time something like this has happened (although nothing at this level of seriousness), I've also said he's always been domineering and doesn't like it if things don't go his way. Clearly he hasn't just been all sunshine and rainbows before this incident or I would have said that.

I find that using the word "force" is perhaps a bit misguided given that your child just punched someone. Of course you never force anyone into anything.
Given that this is not the first incident, I would have thought that it is time to get some professional support. Do you have finances to organise some child-appropriate counselling? Your son needs someone to figure out what drives this aggression and to guide him into making better decisions and controlling his temper.

This.

You cannot punish this out of him. It's well proven that punishment doesn't work under most circumstances, the exception being when the behaviour is understood, the child knows this and the deterrent known in advance and clearly linked to the behaviour.

Find out why he is flying off the handle and act accordingly. Punishment might be part of a plan you come up with, but not as a knee jerk reaction.

Talk to him when everything is calm - in the car, at the weekend is fine. Sometimes easier without direct eye contact. It might take a few times, or you might need his dad or another trusted adult like a grandad to try too.

Just punishing will tell him you don't care what is happening to him and will just make this worse.

So I was correct

HUGE back story for you to now be wondering if the son lacks a conscience

He’s going to be a great husband and father if you don’t deal with this now

That would be if he doesn’t end up in jail much like the young teen in my post.

I am surprised the school has responded so blithely to what sounds like a repeatedly violent boy

With parents like you, who'd be a teacher?

It is of course a massive fear of mine that he's going to end up in prison and I told him that tonight.

I think I will have a very frank conversation with DH tonight and really hammer home the seriousness of this incident.

Was he punished at home when he did something similar before?

I think a punishment at home is definitely needed, missing a few breaks isnt enough punishment for pushing another child to the ground and punching him.

At 10 hes old enough to understand you cant attack someone because you're angry or upset etc. His dad needs to stand by you and make it clear his behaviour is not acceptable.

He's fairly average academically and is good at sports. He's on a football team outside of school.

It might sound counterproductive but have you considered martial arts classes for him? Will teach control, respect, focus.

How does he behave on the football pitch if things aren't going his way?

Have you thought about channelling your don's dominance/aggression through a sport like rugby or martial arts? There is a lot of discipline in these sports, plus they burn off surplus energy and release feel-good hormones in the brain. They also foster team spirit and would make your son feel part of something bigger than himself.

I think if I was to go down this route I'd have to do a lot of research and ensure it wasn't going to exacerbate the violence. I'd want to make sure the coach was aware of why I'm bringing him too

Your husband is categorically wrong. In a few months the parents will be able to file a police report - likely it would come to nothing but not if it were repeated. Also, school exclusions are likely with violence. Does your husband want to tell him employer that he has to stay home with his child because he has a fixed term exclusion?

By getting to the bottom of it. There can be various reasons he's acting this way - impulse control issues need help building strategies and are different to him being bullied by the child he hit, or him being a bully himself, or having an inflated sense of injustice and feeling wronged - all those things need different interventions.

It's vanishingly unlikely he's a cold concienceless ten year old due to a personality disorder, as the OP is now somewhat implying, but if he were this would require specialist intervention, punishment would just make him more likely to wait for the other child and beat them up without witnesses next time if it were that...

Punishment now won't stop him thumping his wife and kids in twenty years time when there's nobody in the house to punish him for it!

Would he be interested in trying something like Rugby? Something that helps him to control his aggression and find a positive outlet for it.

On a different note, how much screen time does he get? What’s his diet like? I’m assuming he doesn’t have a phone?

Imagine if another child punched your son in the face. How would you feel?

There has been a couple of occasions where he's had incidents at football, but they've been minor compared to this and the coach has always said it was equal on both sides (I.e my son wasn't wholly to blame)

Well this is exactly why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling about it.

Thing is, if he’s this easily wound up, it’s going to follow him around. Once other kids get wind that your ds loses his shit when poked, there will be children who will enjoy trying to wind him up, with potential problems as he gets older.

You need to stamp on his anger asap. This HAS to be a firm bollocking at home OP, school punishment isn’t enough.