To not let my younger daughter lend her sister the money for school trip?

[OneSunnyGreenTurtle]

My 14 year old is going on a three day school trip to London next week. I have been paying for it in instalments since the beginning of the year and have finally managed to get the main cost paid. She is really looking forward to it and has been talking about it for months. But the school has now sent a message saying they need to bring money for food, drinks and an evening activity which isn’t included. Apparently most of the children are taking at least £50. My daughter says she will be the only one without it and is getting very upset about the whole thing.

I work part time in a supermarket and get Universal Credit. Money is tight at the moment and I honestly haven’t got £50 spare. I have told her I can give her £15 and pack some food for her, but she says her friends will all be buying things throughout the day and she will be embarrassed taking a packed lunch. She also says the evening activity is something they are all doing and she doesn’t want to sit in the hotel while everyone else goes. I do understand that she wants to fit in, but I have already paid for the trip itself and can’t just magic up another £50. I have said she needs to be grateful she is going at all, which probably wasn’t the most helpful thing to say.

My younger daughter is 10 and has been saving for a new phone. She has a little tin in her bedroom and has about £80 in it from birthdays, Christmas and money relatives have given her. She has been saving for ages and keeps looking at phones online. Anyway she overheard me and her sister talking about the trip and offered to lend her £30. She said she doesn’t mind and can save it up again, and that she wants her sister to have a nice time. She wasn’t being forced or anything, she came out with it herself. But I said no straight away and told her that her money was hers and she didn’t need to pay for her sister’s school trip.

This is where it has all kicked off really. My older daughter said that her sister had offered and I was being unfair by stopping her. She said she would pay her back when she gets her birthday money, although that isn’t until next year. I said that isn’t really the point and that a 10 year old shouldn’t be lending her savings to make up for what I can’t afford. She called me mean and said I was making her feel guilty for wanting to go on the trip. I know she is disappointed but I don’t think it is unreasonable to say no. I don’t want her thinking that because her sister has some savings, she can just use them whenever she wants something.

My younger daughter is now upset with me too. She keeps saying she offered because she wanted to and that I have made it into a big thing. She has even asked if she can give her sister the money without telling me, which obviously isn’t happening. The girls were getting on quite well before this but now they are arguing about it. My older one says her sister doesn’t mind and my younger one says I am stopping her doing something kind. I don’t want either of them feeling responsible for the other’s money problems, if that makes sense. But I also don’t want to make my eldest feel like she can’t have the same experiences as her friends.

The school has said they can bring packed lunches, and the evening activity is an extra thing they have arranged while they are in London. I don’t think the school has offered any financial help, although I haven’t actually asked them directly yet. I could email and explain the situation, but I feel embarrassed doing that after managing to pay the main trip cost. My daughter says everyone has been told to bring spending money and that the teachers won’t want to hear about it. I don’t know how much of that is actually true. She has also said she will just go without food rather than take what I pack, which is worrying me.

AIBU to refuse to let my younger daughter lend her sister the money? Should my older daughter just accept that she can’t have the extras and go with the £15 I can afford, or should I be asking the school about help? I don’t want to take the trip away from her because she has been looking forward to it, but I can’t afford to keep adding money to it. And I don’t think it is right for a 10 year old to feel she needs to help pay for her sister’s school trip, even if she has offered. What would you do?

Honestly “a life lesson” 🙄

Thank you everyone for the replies. I didn’t expect so many people to say let her borrow it but I can see what you mean about her offering it herself. I think I am just worried that she will feel she has to keep helping her sister out with money. She is only 10 and has been saving for that phone for ages.

I am going to contact the school and ask about help with the trip and whether there is anything they can do about the extra activity. I honestly hadn’t thought about it until now as I assumed the main cost covered most things. They have said they can bring packed lunches but the children are expected to buy food at some point, which I should have checked properly.

My eldest doesn’t get regular pocket money. She gets money at birthdays and Christmas but tends to spend it. She does have some clothes and things she could probably sell though, so I might suggest that to her. I don’t want her thinking she can just borrow from her sister and not bother paying it back.

As for working more hours, I have asked about extra shifts before but they aren’t always available and childcare is another issue. I do try and cut back where I can but there isn’t much left to cut back on. I know some people think I should just find the money but it really isn’t that simple at the moment.

I will speak to my mum too and see if she can help with a little bit, although she doesn’t have much spare either. I appreciate the kind comments about my younger daughter. She really is lovely and I don’t want her to lose that kindness, I just want her to understand that she doesn’t have to sort out everyone else’s problems.

Sometimes universal credit can give a loan which you could pay back over a period of time, than may be another option.

The 10 year old is saving for an extravagant non-essential phone... the 14 year old probably already has a phone and chooses to spend her money when she gets it.

Food on a school trip is not something a 14 year old should be saving for.

Whatever happens, your DD needs to take £50 spending money with her. That's really not excessive for 3 days. I'm not sure how they can take packed lunches past the first day - food will not stay fresh - so this doesn't sound feasible. Had you been told there was no spending money needed?

It's sweet your 10yo wants to help, isn't it? Personally I would borrow the money from your DD and pay it back yourself - or maybe 50/50. And definitely get her to take snacks so she can make the money go further.

What a lovely DD you have.

I'd say it's ok then pay her back yourself asap.

Who gives them Christmas/birthday money? Can you ask them?

Your youngest is a darling, helping her sister.

I wouldn’t let her go without and would do anything to make sure that she had the same experience as her friends. I was the poor kid.

Exactly this

whatever you decide.. this 14 year old needs to take £50 for the evening activity and to join in with inevitable trio to gift shop - sweet shop

Agree well worth trying the school

A nice little life lesson for both of them in my view though i agree no kid should be paying toward their own school trips.
Tell the eldest that you will be deducting the amount from her christmas budget, though does she not get any spend at all?
Ask the school first of course but I don't see any problem at all with your 10 year old lending it, it's her choice to make about her money.

Edited to add, definitely pack her some snacks too!

another one saying let youngest pay. Really sweet of her and she’s offered. Then you can pay her back perhaps as others have said. Or half and half.

it’ll be horrible for her being left out but all know it’s so hard when you just don’t have the money. Bit much the school suggesting this so late the in the day though.

plus no 10 year old needs a phone!

Making her sit at the hotel on her own while her friends have fun is just pure mean

Give her a break. She's cut back and cut back to pay for this trip. She'd a single mum is why she works part time. She had school aged children so presumably can only work school hours.

You make it all sounds so easy.

Quite. I am astonished by how blasé many people are about it. And not recognising the potential damage it causes.
Well done school.

Some would say “it’s a life lesson”

Well if that a “life lesson” then it’s one I never intend to give my children

Absolutely am in love with your youngest. What a lovely girl.

Let the youngest lend YOU the money, you pay DD2 back but Dd1 must pay you back either in cash or by doing jobs around the house.

It's probably a good time to introduce the notion of interest on loans for your eldest.

Do contact the school and see what help is available.

I would also want a clear and transparent picture of the costs and who is paying for the teachers to go ? I do hope they are and students are not subsidising them ?

If you were required to work unpaid overtime which involved travel and overnights away from home, would you also expect to pay to do it out of your own pocket?

Don't tell her the money will be deducted from the Christmas budget!

Even if you have to spend less at Christmas, don't tell her that. I grew up dirt poor and it's miserable, if I got Christmas money my parents said great, now you can buy your school shoes/pay for the phone to be reconnected/stock up on shampoo and conditioner etc. Please don't make her Christmas money into "essentials" money. I am really sorry you're in this situation. But the optics of it do matter to teens.

i think I’d be wiping a tear at my younger daughter’s kindness and generosity and feeling very thankful for two siblings who care about each other like this!

think you’re being wildly unreasonable. Let her lend her sister the money and let her know how proud you are of her.

My initial advice was going to be: email the school.

I can see from a follow up post that you're doing that.

Aside from the immediate issue I'd want you to make clear that a last minute request for £50 is unreasonable and should have been made clear in the information sent out. You've done the responsible thing of saving and paying in installments and at the eleventh hour they've thrown this £50 onto you. It's unfair, it's inequitable. I know you feel embarrassed but the school need to be made aware that these are the ripples when they don't take into account the financial situations of all of the families involved. Also, when they start introducing "optional" extras for TEENAGERS and the ones who are more likely to miss out are the ones with less money at home it gets really gross. Make it clear that you don't want your daughter to miss out but that this experience has made you anxious about any future trips for her or your younger child. I would also tell school everything you've told us about her 10 year old sister offering to give her the money its taken her a long time to save. For the member of staff who wrote the email or letter about the £50 spending, they really bloody need to understand that £50 is a huge sum for some of us.

I'm sorry you've gone through this, you've got nothing to be ashamed of (but do let school know how embarrassed and stressed they made you feel) but I hope that school can learn something from this for future trips.

Comments like this (the one you quote) come up so often- people really are crackers.

You are right that it's not your youngest's responsibility to provide for DD1, but it's a loan. Why don't you borrow from DD2 and pay her back in installments? I don't think it's DD1's responsibility to pay her back, pocket money on a trip are to be expected, although I fully appreciate it's difficult for you. (Do pack her snacks to graze on in the hotel room anyway, just not a packed lunch)

Your DD2 is lovely, by the way

Why does the 10 year old need a phone

I think you should take a step back, let your younger daughter make a nice gesture and ensure your older daughter pays it back. I have a very vivid memory of being dropped off for a school trip - an abroad skiing trip though state comp - that my parents had scrimped and saved for, and being asked how much spending money I had brought to hand over to the teacher for safekeeping - and I had none. My dad only had £20 on him so handed that over - but it was utterly humiliating. It was no-one's fault, the trip was birthday and Christmas from them and family to pay for it - but I have such a strong memory of that humiliation. And that 30 years ago. Put your own feelings aside and let the problem be solved.

Why didn’t you factor spending money into the trip? I’ll send £10/15 for a day trip to a museum. Of course she needed spending money. And I’m a single parent with UC top up, so it needs to be budgeting but of course she’d need it. At her age, she should also have pocket money. Do you not give her any?

Your 10 year old has offered something really lovely, and won’t be negatively impacted and your older child will learn to be responsible and pay it back. You really have made this situation a whole lot worse.