To not let my younger daughter lend her sister the money for school trip?

[OneSunnyGreenTurtle]

My 14 year old is going on a three day school trip to London next week. I have been paying for it in instalments since the beginning of the year and have finally managed to get the main cost paid. She is really looking forward to it and has been talking about it for months. But the school has now sent a message saying they need to bring money for food, drinks and an evening activity which isn’t included. Apparently most of the children are taking at least £50. My daughter says she will be the only one without it and is getting very upset about the whole thing.

I work part time in a supermarket and get Universal Credit. Money is tight at the moment and I honestly haven’t got £50 spare. I have told her I can give her £15 and pack some food for her, but she says her friends will all be buying things throughout the day and she will be embarrassed taking a packed lunch. She also says the evening activity is something they are all doing and she doesn’t want to sit in the hotel while everyone else goes. I do understand that she wants to fit in, but I have already paid for the trip itself and can’t just magic up another £50. I have said she needs to be grateful she is going at all, which probably wasn’t the most helpful thing to say.

My younger daughter is 10 and has been saving for a new phone. She has a little tin in her bedroom and has about £80 in it from birthdays, Christmas and money relatives have given her. She has been saving for ages and keeps looking at phones online. Anyway she overheard me and her sister talking about the trip and offered to lend her £30. She said she doesn’t mind and can save it up again, and that she wants her sister to have a nice time. She wasn’t being forced or anything, she came out with it herself. But I said no straight away and told her that her money was hers and she didn’t need to pay for her sister’s school trip.

This is where it has all kicked off really. My older daughter said that her sister had offered and I was being unfair by stopping her. She said she would pay her back when she gets her birthday money, although that isn’t until next year. I said that isn’t really the point and that a 10 year old shouldn’t be lending her savings to make up for what I can’t afford. She called me mean and said I was making her feel guilty for wanting to go on the trip. I know she is disappointed but I don’t think it is unreasonable to say no. I don’t want her thinking that because her sister has some savings, she can just use them whenever she wants something.

My younger daughter is now upset with me too. She keeps saying she offered because she wanted to and that I have made it into a big thing. She has even asked if she can give her sister the money without telling me, which obviously isn’t happening. The girls were getting on quite well before this but now they are arguing about it. My older one says her sister doesn’t mind and my younger one says I am stopping her doing something kind. I don’t want either of them feeling responsible for the other’s money problems, if that makes sense. But I also don’t want to make my eldest feel like she can’t have the same experiences as her friends.

The school has said they can bring packed lunches, and the evening activity is an extra thing they have arranged while they are in London. I don’t think the school has offered any financial help, although I haven’t actually asked them directly yet. I could email and explain the situation, but I feel embarrassed doing that after managing to pay the main trip cost. My daughter says everyone has been told to bring spending money and that the teachers won’t want to hear about it. I don’t know how much of that is actually true. She has also said she will just go without food rather than take what I pack, which is worrying me.

AIBU to refuse to let my younger daughter lend her sister the money? Should my older daughter just accept that she can’t have the extras and go with the £15 I can afford, or should I be asking the school about help? I don’t want to take the trip away from her because she has been looking forward to it, but I can’t afford to keep adding money to it. And I don’t think it is right for a 10 year old to feel she needs to help pay for her sister’s school trip, even if she has offered. What would you do?

Of course the cost is expected to cover teachers' costs! I appreciate the comment about 'would you do unpaid overtime and pay for it yourself?' because that is the reality of it.

I spent 30 years teaching and did plenty of trips away. I did it for the kids, so that they got new experiences , There's nothing particularly joyous to me about getting on a coach at 6.30am on a Tuesday morning and returning at 9pm Friday night having spent 3 days supervising 50 14 year olds around London, round museums and attractions.

You are on call pretty much 24 hours, away from your own home and family and whilst it's often lovely to see kids enjoying new experiences if you tell me that on top of this overtime I've got to pay £350 for the privilege of doing so then I'm going to politely decline to go.

I'm not spending my family money to take your kids on a trip, thanks. Particularly a trip I'm not fussed about doing.

This sounds so tricky. I can see why you said no, but...

Your youngest made a decision (that she was comfortable and probably really proud of) to lend her sister the money. This would also have meant your oldest was able to go on the evening out, which I do think would be hard for her to miss the memories and fun, and also make her stick out like a sore thumb.

Let your youngest lend your eldest the money. Is your eldest able to pay her back £3 a week? she would be paid back by Christmas. But also, this is between them to sort out. I know you said £0 would make things tight, but could you top up £20?

Of course the teachers should be subsidised for the trip!

Your situation was completely different. The op is not being tight. She simply can’t afford it. Don’t transfer your feelings towards your parents to her. I honestly can’t believe some of the replies here. The op is doing her best and does not need to be guilt tripped for not earning a six figure salary. I had to manage without things other kids had when my mum became a single parent and guess what I survived. If other kids isolate or bully the daughter then the teachers should do their job and step in to stop this. No one should be subjected to bullying behaviour because their family are poorer off.

Let her Sister lend her the money and she can pay her back, it is £35 your eldest can give it in installments or you can pay it back, i wouldn't phone the school i would probably email and complain, about extras surely she knew she would need some spending money ?

How is she realistically going to pay her kind sister back when she only gets money for her birthday and Christmas.
OP you need to get another job.
Advertise cleaning services in the area.
Teenagers need access to a bit of spare cash.

I think I have worded some things badly and made myself sound worse than I meant to. I am not saying my younger daughter shouldn’t be kind to her sister. I just don’t want her thinking she has to give up her savings because I can’t afford something. But I can see that she offered it herself and maybe I have made too much of it.

The phone is something she has been saving for herself. She doesn’t have one at the moment and has wanted one for ages. She isn’t getting it from me, she is saving her own money for it.

I accept that I should have budgeted for spending money. I knew about the trip cost but I didn’t realise the extra activity and food would come to so much. I should have asked more questions at the time. I am not saying my daughter is wrong for wanting to buy things with her friends, I just can’t afford £50 at the moment.

A few people have asked about free school meals and pupil premium. Yes, they do get free school meals and I hadn’t realised the school might be able to help with the activity. I am going to email them and ask what support is available.

I do work part time because of childcare and school hours. I have asked about more shifts but it isn’t as simple as just taking on more. I don’t have someone who can have the children whenever I am working. I am not sitting at home doing nothing, as one poster seems to think.

I also don’t think it is fair to say my daughter is going to be starving in London. She can take food with her and I can give her what I can afford. I am not sending her with nothing. I know £15 isn’t a lot for three days though and I am going to see if I can sort something else out.

I am going to speak to my mum and the school and see if I can get some help. If my younger daughter does lend her the money, I will make sure it is treated as my debt and she gets it back. I don’t want her to lose her savings because of this.

I agree with this.
It can't be easy when money is so tight, must be awful. But that is for the parent to manage.
Why is it DD's responsibility to pay her sister back when she only gets money for christmas and birthdays.
I also don't think that a young teen, especially one who doesn't get pocket money, should be having to worry about saving up to contribute towards a school trip.

Did you pay the full cost of the trip? Usually free school meals recipients get it half price. I would hope school could helo but if not, an extra £15 from your younger daughter would be kind, assuming most meals are covered?

What a lovely younger daughter you have raised. She offered

for the school to suddenly add on extra £50 spending money is wrong

def contact the school. They hopefully will have a dubs to help out those who may struggle

it’s a shame you didn’t contact them when the trip came out and they may have helped you pay for it

accept the very kind gesture from youngest dd

how has she saved so much ?

if your eldest (and assume youngest) don’t get pocket money then it’s hard for her to save money from Xmas and bday

I feel you should pay for the trips food as a parent so can you make a promise to youngest to pay her back

I don’t know how much your budget is and how tight - but if you have managed to pay for a trip over the months can you pay back younger dd the £30 and £10 a month or week is budget allows

I would let your younger dd lend the money and I would praise her for both her kindness and her saving her money!

You have worked hard to pay the instalments for this trip in order to give her a lovely experience and it would be a shame for it to be tarnished now by the thought of not being able to take part in the same way as the other kids.

Unfortunately even £50, whilst a lot of money might not go as far as you think in London so I would send snacks as well.

As others have said Christmas is coming up and family ask about presents she could ask for money instead of gifts and repay her sister.

Maybe someone on mumsnet has an old phone they aren’t using and they could post it to DD2.
I hope DD1 has a lovely time. I understand the pressure trying to get by from one week to the next week.
Definitely talk to the school, hopefully they can cover the activities.

Teachers aren't paid to be 72 hour escorts for class trips. Their trip will and should be paid by the school. Otherwise no trips.

Parents aren't subsidising anything, the school is likely to have been given discounts and free educational passes to some of the activities and accomodation. Parents will not be paying the full cost for their own child never mind subsidising teachers costs.

@OneSunnyGreenTurtle It's probably too late to get help now that you have paid but you absolutely need to be calling the school in the morning to check if they do offer assistance to families on UC. Would be surprising if they didn't.

It is horrible being the poor child. Thankfully my school didn’t do overnight trips until I was in 5th year and I was already working. Having already paid for my own school day trips since I was 13. My sister had two 2 night trips, one in 1st year and one in 2nd year, I paid for them both for her and helped her to earn her spending money. Neither of us knew at the time that our mother had gotten both of those trips for free because she was on benefits.

Your 14 yo is old enough to babysit your 10yo for a few hours, who seems fairly mature for her age too, is there any evening work you could pick up to help ease the strain? Being not completely restricted to school hours in a supermarket should give you a better chance.

Thank you, I do appreciate the sensible replies. I think I have made a bit of a mess of this and should have asked the school about help when the trip was first arranged. I just wanted to get the main cost paid and didn’t think about all the extra money until now.

I have emailed the school this afternoon asking if there is any help available with the activity or food. I haven’t had a reply yet. I will also ask about the free school meals funding as a few people have mentioned it.

My younger daughter has saved the £80 over quite a long time. She gets money from relatives at birthdays and Christmas and sometimes puts a few pounds in the tin if she has any left. She doesn’t get regular pocket money. She is very determined when she wants something though and has been saving for the phone for ages.

My eldest doesn’t really get pocket money either. I know people have said she should have some spare cash and I agree, but I haven’t been able to afford it regularly. She does get money at birthdays and Christmas but she spends it on things she wants. I don’t think that is a terrible thing, although I can see why people think she should have saved some for the trip.

I don’t know how she would pay her sister back quickly, which is why I was reluctant to let her borrow it. If she does borrow the £30, I will make sure I pay my younger daughter back myself rather than expecting her sister to manage it. I might be able to do it in small amounts once I have worked out the budget.

I am going to see if I can get some extra shifts at work as well, although childcare makes that difficult. I know I need to find a way of making things work better financially. I just don’t want my younger daughter to feel that her savings are there to sort out things I can’t afford.

As we should be. Parents should be paying for the cost of the teachers’ trips. They’re taking our bloody kids and looking after them, with all the stress that comes with that. And taking that time away from their own families. It is part of the expense of school trips and parents cover those expenses.

I would let the younger one lend, but not give, her the money. You say the older one spends more readily, but she didn't know there would be a trip to need spends for. She is nearly old enough to get a Saturday job. Also, you could consider paying her to look after the younger one so you can work more. It feels like there are quite a few options either now or coming up, it's just the surprise expectation of more money has caught everyone off guard.

Sorry you’re in this situation that money is so tight.

If there are no friends/ family you can borrow the money from I think you should take up your kind younger daughter’s offer. I think that you should pay that back- not your 14 year old. £50 spending/ food money for a residential trip is not excessive. Your elder daughter can pay back her younger sibling through kindness not in a monetary way.

Defo ask school for help and in future for trips ask from the off if there is support. As lots of these trips need spending money or something purchased. Lots of the time school can help with a percentage off but won’t provide spending money etc.

Is there a father/ paternal side of family who can contribute?

Are your 10 and 14 year old your only children, or do you have some younger too?

I mean this kindly but this will not be a one off situation. I would concentrate my efforts to working full time to be able to provide. Ideally a job where there is opportunity to top up with overtime for events like this. Shame supermarket has no more hours. Care home maybe? A 24 hour service place where you can get some 10/12 hour shifts in.

I mean that kindly. I know the job market is hard. So many people seem to work part time these days and need top up. You can get lots of help with paid childcare through UC. You may well still get topped up full time.

A 40 hour week with 10 and 14 year old is perfectly manageable. Unless you have a newborn it’s really not viable to be part time in 2026 with costs as they are.

Good luck and hope you can sort it.

Agreed, I feel sorry for the kid...how dare DD spend her birthday money on herself when there's not much the rest of the year by the sounds of it, let her have those moments of buying something she wants, tough as it is, it is the parents job to pay for school stuff, let the lovely younger DD give the money and the OP pays her back, that's what I would do

She does get money at birthdays and Christmas but she spends it on things she wants.

she is a young teen and doesn’t get pocket money. Of course she does!

Speak to school. They may have a hardship fund to draw on given you have worked so hard to enable your daughter to go in the first place. This is exactly the sort of thing our PTA puts money slide for each year and I hope they can support you.

A 10 year old doesn’t need a phone at all so let her lend the money.

@OneSunnyGreenTurtle I think if you see it as family helping each other out rather than you letting the kids down, or feeling guilty,

Wow I think you are being extremely unreasonable. Your young daughter is offering an extremely kind thing, and it in now way means your older daughter will be able to just 'take money whenever she wants some thing '.

You're trying to frame this as some moral lesson for your daughter but it's not, you just can't afford it which isn't your children's fault and she is 14. Of course a packed lunch and missing out on an activity is going to be deeply embarrassing

If you're only working part time is there anything you can do to earn just a bit extra cash, OP? There are ideas on here - I know everyone says 'take in ironing' like it's easier said than done, but if you can make £10 of an evening doing surveys or selling stuff online or babysitting for a friend for a few hours or whatever it would just be a bit of extra cash so things aren't so tight.

I agree that on the face of it £50 really doesn't seem unreasonable for 3 days worth of food and an activity. Speaking to the school should definitely be your 1st priority - they should have made clear the full costs from the start. It's a bit off being too embarrassed to do so while expecting your dd to take the embarrassment of being the only one eating 3 day old sandwiches when the others go to McDonalds or Costa.

If anything she'd be better off taking drinks and buying food than vice versa, because she doesn't have to buy drinks, she can just have tap water. A few bottles of pop and snacks are easier to cart aroun so she doesn't have to buy them. If the evening trip was to the cinema, for example, I think it would be fair enough to say you can't afford a fiver for overpriced popcorn there so take a tescos bag of sweet and salted. But she can't be expected to bring 3 days worth of proper meals with her and it somehow stay fresh and edible.

Take this as a learning curve - tbh it sounds as if you really couldn't afford this trip in the first place and overall it might have been better for DD1 to have just been told that from the start, rather than the embarrassment of being the only one not to do the activity etc.