Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

So conflicted about my current situation and would appreciate some advice.

Im in my early 50s and have been living in my partner's house for the last 4.5 years after selling my property to release funds and move in with him. It happened quickly, I moved in after a few months of dating him.

I've paid 50% of everything since I moved in. He is mortgage free, so 50% of all bills, food, insurance etc.

We're coming up to 5 years of being in a very committed relationship and I'm starting to feel very anxious about my situation.

I'm divorced and suffered from financial and emotional abuse in my first marriage. I promised myself I'd never leave myself vulnerable again after my first marriage broke down, it took everything I had to get over the abuse and cheating.

I find myself with a lovely man now. Kind, caring, lovely to me.

But I'm uncomfortable with the fact that I am not building up anything for myself or my future.

What if he dumps me, or dies! He will not talk about marriage, if I even mention a civil ceremony he clams up. He has no will and doesn't seem to want to make one.

How do I protect myself in this situation? Just carry on living here and paying half of everything?

Why is it that I feel the need for marriage to feel secure.

He's such an avoidant personality... I can't even talk to him about doing up the mouldy en suite we've been living with for over 4 years... it's disgusting but he says he's not bothered by it.. I've offered to pay half to rectify it but he shouted at me and said he's happy to live with it as is.

Am I being stupid to just carry on coasting along ..... I need something solid. I lost everything when my first husband left me, am I leaving myself vulnerable again?

He has school age children so he needs to leave his house to them, not you. I think it's quite common in later life relationships not to get married for this reason.

You've saved money over the last five years by only paying half the bills. If you were living on your own you'd have had to pay all the bills AND the rent/mortgage. The main problem here is that you are struggling to find a job, which isn't his fault.

The only thing he's done wrong that I can see is not sort out the bathroom. Unless the bills are particularly high because he has a large property, or you subsidise his children when they're with you? If so, I would suggest to him that your share should go down.

Finding a job is your priority here. I don't think he will marry you.

There’s 2 issues:

• you are living in a house that you are not comfortable with and can’t change. You need to discuss this and make it clear the impact this has
• you need to gain some financial security. But I don’t quite get the issue here, you released funds from your own house - what have you done with them? Presumably you can invest them in either property, shares etc so that you have some financial security if things fall apart.

A relationship where you walk on eggshells is not a happy one. You need security for your future. If he cannot see that ,and also actively provide it/ allow you to buy a flat then he is absolutely not a lovely man.

Well I go think it’s fair she pays half the bills, she does live there. She’s not paying any rent/mortgage so presumably that can be saved to build up her own investments. If the income isn’t large enough to do that then that needs working on. If the op can’t afford to pay her own rent/mortgage then not sure that she can complain really

You are in another abusive relationship. It looks different to your last abusive relationship so you can't see it as such but that's exactly what it is.

This poor guy has been kind enough to let you move in rent/ mortgage free with only bills to cover when you were financially vulnerable and didn’t have a lot of stability to offer him and still don’t by the sounds of it when living off savings, minimal work and no assets yet he doesn’t mind and has given you a home and safety.

He has kids they will always be his financial priority and I’m sure he plans to give everything to them and rightly so.

Is your not happy leave, but he is doing no wrong protecting his financial assets

Don't be that cross at yourself - you would have had living expenses in the last 5 years wherever 'home' was so you won't have massively spent more than was simply necessary for day to day life. Now the mist has cleared and you've seen your situation through fresh eyes it's clear change is required.....and you can't change him so it must be you and your situation that changes.

As pp's have said, do this for yourself, you're worth it, you are deserving of a good life. As someone up thread said, I don't think, sadly, that your partner is that great, he just isn't quite as shit as your ex-husband and for a while that was just about enough, but not now. Good luck and stay strong.

I think you need to have a very good think about this relationship and the endgame for you. So far I get you are being kept in the dark, no real commitment, shouted at if you voice any concerns or needs and not even allowed to make your own decisions about your own money. Is that it in a nutshell?
If it is, you decide if its financial abuse and how much you want to take.

Stop listening to 'declarations of love' and look very hard at how he treats you. You are unhappy, embarrassed to have friends to stay, anxious about raising issues, have no future security, and don't like the environment you live in with absolutely no power to change it. Thats quite ^^a miserable list. Someone throwing a few ' I love you enormously ' statements around is not worth the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when you think of your future.

I think you need to accept that the life you want isn’t what your partner wants. You are essentially a paying guest in his house and he prefers the status quo and you don’t. Either accept this or move on already, the mouldy en-suite whispers to you every time you enter the en-suite, that it isn’t your home and your wants don’t count and probably never will. Base your next move on this reality.

Sort out a proper job as soon as possible before all of your savings are gone or not enough for a deposit. In your 50’s you’ll still be able to get a mortgage but, the longer you leave it, the more expensive it will be as the term will be shorter.
He’s not a kind and caring person as he hasn’t taken to consideration your need for security or a decent home. Don’t be a mug for much longer. If he’s mature and secure, he’ll understand your need to secure a future for yourself.

If he's got kids he's not going to be leaving you his house, he'll be leaving it to them. That's why he's avoiding marriage as well.

He can declare his love until the cows come.
home, and it means nothing! Hos actions are saying otherwise.

I fear you have another financially disastrous union on your hands here, andyoureally need tosecure your futureaway from this man.
Of course he doesn't want you buying a
property. You'll then be in a stronger position to leave him and his bullshit behind. He wants you to remain vulnerable, so he can keep you trapped in his mouldy, broken down house.
Please speak with Women's Aid or similar for some support, and start quietly setting yourself up. This man is not good for you, and you can make the break again.

I know you love him but, on his part, these are all words. I’m a strong believer in actions speaking louder than words. What are his actions saying? I think they’re saying what mumtobabyhavoc has said. I think you would be quite vulnerable if/when anything happened to him so he’s quite wrong about your financial position. Personally, I wouldn’t spend my money improving the en-suite. Oh and he’s not being clever not making a will. Does he have children? Be careful that you don’t end up being his carer as he gets older. I’m sorry you’re in this position because I do think you love him and I expect he has good points but I also think you should be loving yourself and making provision for yourself while you can.

Because he’s shown you fake love after you told him about your last relationship you think he’s great. He’s not great at all. He’s just as abusive , controlling snd very selfish and you need to get out.

Stop listening to him declaring love and see how he’s acting. People can make their mouths say anything! Actions are ALWAYS what you should heed.
He’s awful.

There are multiple issues here.

You both had property, you chose to sell yours and keep the money.
You chose to quit your job and aren't really earning so presumably living off the money from your house sale and have been doing so for 5 years.
He's got kids from a previous relationship.
He refuses to fix a mouldy bathroom.

I can't see a pattern of abuse here. You chose to sell your house and you chose to quit your job. Did he stop you from getting another job and force you to be financially dependent on him? That doesn't seem to be what you've said.

If the bathroom is structurally sound, you can use HG bathroom mould spray. Are you using this regularly?

Have you been living off the proceeds of sale from your house for 5 years and that is what has enabled you to semi retire? Are those now significantly depleted? What sort of security are you looking for from this man? The proceeds of his house? But he has children.

I feel like I must be missing something because the easiest way to financial independence and security is a job, any job, and saving. If this isn't what you've been doing and instead no job and spending, this is probably why you feel in a tricky position.

Its a big red flag he shouted over a shower. Get your own place, enjoy his company, but be queen of your own hive so to speak; you're too old for cowtowing to some slob who wont maintain his property, surely?

I have a different perspective than most of the replies here.

You are not paying his bills. You are quite rightly sharing the cost of utilities. They are your bills too.

If the roles were reversed, absolutely no-one on here would be suggesting you hand over equity to him. You wanting security doesn't come at the expense of the equity he owns.

He has school age children. Again its quite right that he isn't providing for you in a Will. Its your responsibility to obtain your own long term security.

You haven't been paying rent/mortgage for years. So where has that money gone? Its your responsibility to find more secure work so you can obtain a mortgage.

Its his house. If he doesn't want a new bathroom that is his choice. You have the choice to move out but that is going to be very expensive for you.

I think you need to stop blaming him because in terms of finances he hasn't done anything wrong.

First thing you should do is get a permanent job - no mean feat in this crap economic times. Take regular breaks from him and the house, before leaving him when you’re settled. It’s unlikely you would be allowed to rent a flat with no permanent job.

You want him to change, but he won’t, so you need to. He’s no prize but how much money have you effectively saved by living there rent-free for five years? Do you think deep down this is a reason you’re still there? I wouldn’t be wanting to marry you either, if I had assets and children.

You both aren’t even half-way to being compatible.

You're not in a "very committed relationship". There's no commitment whatsoever. You're his lodger. (Does he have kids? What's in his will?).

So the relationship is fine as long as you pay bills (with nothing to show for it), do what he wants, ask for nothing and accept however he chooses to treat you without complaint? If you do much as make a suggestion, he shouts you down? Is this the behaviour of someone who cares about your happiness or your feelings?

Anyone can SAY they love someone. If they don't ACT like they do as well, maybe you shouldn't believe it. Do you, really? Or is it just something he says to get you to stay, accept the status quo and shut up? Does he care that you're unhappy? Does he care about your future security at all? Does he really care about anything except keeping everything the way he wants it? Actions speak louder.

OP, I was coming up 58 when I left my husband. Yes it was hugely scary, but also the most satisfying of times to be free of him, his indifference, his financial and emotional abuse and his mess. I was free to live how I wanted for once. I highly recommend it.

This man is not going to commit. He's avoidant of the subject and, bearing in mind he has kids, he probably wants to ensure they inherit everything when he dies. Stupid not to have a will though. Even if you stay, and I'd find it hard to stay in a rotting house, you shouldn't be paying towards maintenance and repairs of an asset you don't co-own. Only utilities and food, and proportional at that if he has kids living there. I'd even balk at paying towards house insurance because it's not your house.

This. People should not be encouraging OP to claim on this house, when she's effectively a lodger. She should be getting her own house, be it through shared ownership or other. 5 years with paying no mortgage should have left her able to save.

That house is, rightly, for his kids. This information should have been in the original OP, not drip fed towards the end.

‘He shouted at me for suggesting to do up the mouldy en-suite ‘ he’s not a lovely man. Buy a flat and leave

Stop hoping and take this for yourself
Never rely on a man for your security

Edit He knows but he doesnt care
Its how they keep control, stringing you along , keeping you in the game
He wont change