Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

So conflicted about my current situation and would appreciate some advice.

Im in my early 50s and have been living in my partner's house for the last 4.5 years after selling my property to release funds and move in with him. It happened quickly, I moved in after a few months of dating him.

I've paid 50% of everything since I moved in. He is mortgage free, so 50% of all bills, food, insurance etc.

We're coming up to 5 years of being in a very committed relationship and I'm starting to feel very anxious about my situation.

I'm divorced and suffered from financial and emotional abuse in my first marriage. I promised myself I'd never leave myself vulnerable again after my first marriage broke down, it took everything I had to get over the abuse and cheating.

I find myself with a lovely man now. Kind, caring, lovely to me.

But I'm uncomfortable with the fact that I am not building up anything for myself or my future.

What if he dumps me, or dies! He will not talk about marriage, if I even mention a civil ceremony he clams up. He has no will and doesn't seem to want to make one.

How do I protect myself in this situation? Just carry on living here and paying half of everything?

Why is it that I feel the need for marriage to feel secure.

He's such an avoidant personality... I can't even talk to him about doing up the mouldy en suite we've been living with for over 4 years... it's disgusting but he says he's not bothered by it.. I've offered to pay half to rectify it but he shouted at me and said he's happy to live with it as is.

Am I being stupid to just carry on coasting along ..... I need something solid. I lost everything when my first husband left me, am I leaving myself vulnerable again?

Stop giving yourself such a hard time! He’s a great guy but issues that you’re aware of now mean you can no longer live together. Just move out and see if he wants to continue the relationship.

You haven’t done anything wrong, just move out and see what happens next.

If you don't want to be left up shit creek, then my strongest advice would be to stop paddling up it.

You're making multiple small decisions that are increasingly reducing your choices and agency to act. Stop handing over the power to men and start being an adult for yourself.

Good luck.

Well he can’t have it all ways, he needs to be making some sacrifices and not just you.

Why are you asking him, it's your money you buy a flat if that's what you want to do

If you buy a buy-to-let property with a BTL mortgage it’s based on the rental yield rather than your income. Is that something you could explore?
buy something in your name and let it out until you ever need to move in. The rent pays the mortgage.

@GreatPlumBiscuit you have had all the answers here so this is just a bit of solidarity. The first relationship I went into after leaving my abusive one was… also abusive 🤦‍♀️

After that one, I did what I should have done in the first place and was single for five years, living on my own with my dc, and it was the best thing ever. No compromises, no one moaning at me, apart from my child 😂 no mess that I hadn’t made.

i do now have a lovely man in my life, but the difference now is that I’m not afraid to be alone, so I have the power to choose him. That’s really powerful for me, knowing that I am making an active choice to be here (as is he) and not just here because I need someone to validate me.

there is hope and a future for you, and you do have the power to choose yourself 💪💐💪

I think you’d be surprised how quickly you’ll be able to recover your situation when you’re not in this relationship. He is dragging you down by refusing to talk about finances and make provisions for you. He has children so presumably doesn’t actually want you to have any rights to his wealth. So yes, you are a lodger with contract.

Rent somewhere for one year to get you out of this relationship and I bet by the end of that year you will have a new job and a totally new perspective on the next chapter of your life. You will be able to buy somewhere just for you and find peace.

You're not paying half his bills... They're also your bills. .he doesn't want to marry you. That would take away from his children on his death.
What security is it you seek?
If he has school aged children, his house will go to them on his death. The needs to provide for them, not a girlfriend he's had for a few years. Why would it go to you? You had a house, which you sold. It's not his fault that you don't have a reliable job.
If he doesn't want to fix his gross bathroom (eew) then that's up to him, it's HIS house - but he shouldn't be shouting at you.

OP, that mouldy bathroom represents your future with this man. Something you eventually put up with because it isn't going to change, to get better, unless HE decides it will. He coasts along with the status quo, seems to have no energy for forward planning. And you will be left high and dry if anything happens to him.

You, however, have shown great strength. You removed yourself from a bad situation and came out the other side.

You say everybody loves him. Would they love him if they lived in that house paying half the bills but getting so little in return? You need a man who loves you, and loving you means listening and caring about your feelings, not just saying the right words. All the signs are pointing to the fact that he is incredibly selfish and stubborn. i mean, yes, it's his house, so if he wants to live in squalor, fine, but you have a choice. Get out and spread those wings! It might be hard, but in a year's time, you could be sinking into a lovely, clean bathtub of your own!

I completely agree. I cannot believe the posters suggesting she try and have some claim over is house, it’s ridiculous. If she was a man people the advice would be completely different. Why would you marry someone who has no job and could potentially take your property and leave nothing for your children. They’d be called a cocklodger! Why would you be entitled to a property where you have contributed nothing to the mortgage? The OP has had an amazing deal so far!

Absolutely sunk cost fallacy.

You need to escape. 💐

There are a few things here. I think it's completely understandable he wants to protect his assets. It's also absolutely right that you should not contribute to repairs, because that then risks you having a stake in the house. Does he have children? It's 100% right that his assets should go to his children, not someone who came along a few years ago.

Why are you seeking security from a man?? What if a man said he was seeking financial security from a woman? I am absolutely appalled at this concept. I am 50, and have never taken money from a man, or relied on one financially. Stood on my own two feet all my adult life. Equally, if a man came along wanting to marry me for his financial security, and was trying to worm his way into the deeds of my house by paying for repairs, I would run a mile!

However, one key difference is that I am absolutely clear about my intentions to never marry or live with someone from the early days of any relationship. I am also kind, and don't shout, or get angry or become hostile. Your partner's behaviour is completely different, and he sounds unpleasant

He doesn’t sound great for a number of reasons but if you really do want to be with him whilst wanting some
security, use the released funds to buy an apartment that you let out. You’ll always have it should you need to move out (might need short term rental but hey go)

But he objected to her investing her money in a buy to let, as it felt like she was dumping him!

@GreatPlumBiscuit ISAs and savings accounts aren't keeping up with inflation. Better options are to invest in a SIPP or get that buy to let. As pp suggested, see a broker for the BTL mortage.
I don't see how the partner could possibly object to a change of investment focus and claim that it's the equivalent of 'dumping' him.

I don’t get the issue currently

if you weren’t living with him you’d be renting someone or paying mortgage . Simply use your money to invest in a property and rent it out or invest it as you have. Keep your money separate. His property isn’t yours and you shouldnt expect it to be - you’re simply paying your share of living g costs currently as you should be. You are two financially independent people with no joint children or anything.

What are you expecting?

Stocks and shares ISAs are outperforming inflation ( if you invest in the right ones ) by a long shot

I think it’s hard for things to move forward positively if he can’t/wont hear you and is unable to have a proper conversation without an emotional reaction. Your need for security is entirely reasonable and its up to him how he chooses to respond to that. His current choices have certain consequences which he may not like but he has to sit with that because he does have the option of responding differently. I think you need to create your own financial security. Buy a small property as soon as you are able. I’ll be honest- after 5 years, I think you need to more on. Not saying he’s a bad guy but you can’t be with someone who lives only on their own terms. You deserve better.

Bloody hell, he’s a cake eater, isn’t he? He deliberately wants to protect himself and his assets by not marrying you, but also doesn’t want you to have any security as that makes him feel you aren’t devoted enough to him.

He is not a good man he is deeply selfish in this attitude to you.

You have to stop caring what he thinks and start caring about yourself. Buy yourself a flat and live in it ( if you buy one to rent out you will be hit with a large capital gains tax bil).

If he isnt going to budge on doing anything then you need to take action. Is buying a place of your own possible. This is the best option.

OP, does he have any children he might be wanting to ringfence his house for? I would completely understand his attitude if this was the case. Is he has no close relatives yet he still won’t make a Will where you’d inherit his house or marry you, then I angree with previous posters. Also, do you earn enough to support a separate household? Are you saving at the moment. I saw that you’d woukd struggle to get a mortgage atm. Everyone is saying LTB but it’s not clear whether you are financially independent enough, and if not - work on that first.

I’m with @Mumtobabyhavoc . They put it just beautifully. Meant or not, this is abuse in the context of OP’s previous experience. He’s steamrolling you like you’re not even there. Don’t end up squashed, go.

I definitely think you should have said he had children in your first post. I think most later posters are in agreement he should not do a will in your favour or get married in light of this information.
You do need to think about your own needs though and your security so it is either saving so if you ever needed to you can get out and get your own place or moving now. I would not get a buy to let as there are numerous issues with this nowadays, it’s not as easy as you’ve got somewhere to go if you split up, it can be very difficult to get tenants out of your property.

Hi OP,
You are a smart woman, you have spotted the problem and you have reached out into a good place to seek a variety of opinions. I used to have a brilliant therapist when I ended a long term dysfunctional relationship, he used to say you do know what you should do. He was right it was just easier to not do it!
I do agree with the posters who say that lots of good things will happen once you take the decision to put your needs first. I reckon you will find a permanent job once you have sorted out your issues here. Your partner unfortunately seems to be draining your energy rather than supporting you, without that drain more things will be possible.
Nothing is more liberating, nothing is better for our souls than a place of our own and control of our lives.

I can’t believe people sctudlly think Op should have a claim on his house ( why after only paying her fair share if her own living costs -actudlly cheaper as not paying rent or mortgage) or expect h to leave her anything currently in a will ! After a few years relationship? Er no way ! That doesn’t make him abusive it makes him bloody sensible

op needs to get a job and decide what to do with her own money - expecting to live well while not working and then gain rights to a property is pretty outlandish

And I for one will never put a boyfriend in my house deeds or leave it in a will - that’s going to my children