Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

So conflicted about my current situation and would appreciate some advice.

Im in my early 50s and have been living in my partner's house for the last 4.5 years after selling my property to release funds and move in with him. It happened quickly, I moved in after a few months of dating him.

I've paid 50% of everything since I moved in. He is mortgage free, so 50% of all bills, food, insurance etc.

We're coming up to 5 years of being in a very committed relationship and I'm starting to feel very anxious about my situation.

I'm divorced and suffered from financial and emotional abuse in my first marriage. I promised myself I'd never leave myself vulnerable again after my first marriage broke down, it took everything I had to get over the abuse and cheating.

I find myself with a lovely man now. Kind, caring, lovely to me.

But I'm uncomfortable with the fact that I am not building up anything for myself or my future.

What if he dumps me, or dies! He will not talk about marriage, if I even mention a civil ceremony he clams up. He has no will and doesn't seem to want to make one.

How do I protect myself in this situation? Just carry on living here and paying half of everything?

Why is it that I feel the need for marriage to feel secure.

He's such an avoidant personality... I can't even talk to him about doing up the mouldy en suite we've been living with for over 4 years... it's disgusting but he says he's not bothered by it.. I've offered to pay half to rectify it but he shouted at me and said he's happy to live with it as is.

Am I being stupid to just carry on coasting along ..... I need something solid. I lost everything when my first husband left me, am I leaving myself vulnerable again?

Could you use the released funds to buy a flat and live separately but still date?

I would want to know that I have a secure property, should he die or leave.

Can you afford a small flat and rent it out? At least it would be there if you needed it and would hopefully accrue some value if you find yourself alone without funds in the future.

What have you done with the funds from selling your property? And do you both earn equal amounts?

I've suggested this but he was really upset ... almost like I was dumping him.

I can understand your anxiety. When you released the money from your house, what did you do? Did you put it into the house where you live and is your name on the deeds?
If he isn’t interested in marriage it would be wise to safeguard your own assets.
They are looking into this to consider giving cohabiting couples rights but it hasn’t happened yet.
I’d also be unhappy at the mouldy en-suite and general avoidance. You describe the relationship as committed but are you happy?

I have enough for a large deposit, but my work this year, although well paid, has been intermittent, so not stable enough to get a mortgage (I'm looking for a permanent job at the moment).

He got upset? I would spin it around and get very upset about the moldy bathroom in return. It sounds grim.

You aren't going to get a mortgage when you are close to retirement age if you wait. You don't want to be paying one on a pension either.

He might not like the idea of you investing in a property, but what is he prepared to do to give you the security you need for older age? He needs to make a will leaving you secure, whether he likes the idea of facing his mortality or not.

My funds are in my name, in ISAs and savings account.

He owns the property I moved into outright.

It is so grim.

I feel like I'm showering in my old student house... it's so weird, when I ask him if I can sort it or get a contractor in, he takes it as a personal insult .... so I'm massively anxious to ask him AGAIN if we can sort it... the same with any home improvement stuff...

What do you know about his finances? Can he not afford to do the work but doesn't want to say so?

I ask him, very gently, tell him I feel vulnerable, he says yeah yeah blah blah, and does absolutely nothing....

I’d be prioritising getting my own property. And I’d be using the en suite situation to explain to him that I need to be able to have some control of my own environment, that it’s clear we have different standards of what we’re willing to live with. It’s not you rejecting him, it’s you rejecting his living standards.

If he cared about you, he would want to know that you are secure in the event of his death.

He doesn’t seem to be doing anything to reassure you in that regard so he isn’t entitled to feel upset if you seek to make yourself secure.

His hurt feelings don’t trump your future.

And don’t be offering to pay anything for improvements to HIS house. You are paying enough to live there.

If you can demonstrate that you've been paying for repairs and upkeep on his property it is possible that you could claim an equitable interest in it. You need legal advice on this.

But time to woman up and put yourself first. You need to look to your own security. Even shared ownership perhaps? I'm sorry that he doesn't seem to care about your future. Care about yourself, you really must, and don't blunder along like this.

He can afford to, and I've offered to pay half, it's probably 3k at the most, 1.5k each, to sort a tiny en suite.

We had friends to stay at the weekend and I was so embarrassed by the state of it I asked them to shower in the family bathroom, which is also falling to pieces but not mouldy.

I agree

I am blundering, coasting, hoping he'll give me the security I'm asking for.

It hurts even more, knowing that he knows the financial abuse I put up with for years, and how I struggled to rectify everything financially after my first husband left me.

"Am I being stupid to just carry on coasting along?"

Yes. 💯
You've done exactly what you said you never would again. I doubt he's as lovely as you claim.
he won't give you equity in the home you contribute to;
he shouts you down;
you're not in his will after 5 years and living together;
he won't legalize your relationship;
he denies your financial security.

Look for a very affordable home/flat to rent now.
If you are able to buy now then do it instead.
Leave him without notice.

Yet you stay. 🤦‍♀️

He's not going to suddenly have a change of heart now is he? I'm sorry that you are in this situation but you need to act now for your own sake. I hope that a bit of blunt talking here spurs you on. Time to be your own best friend. X

Yes, ridiculous isn't it. But it's so hard to leave someone who declares such love for me.... I'm hoping with all my heart that he won't fuck up what we have by not committing... he always says when I bring it up that if anything happened to him I'd be better fine as I have some money in the bank.

I think you need to take security, not wait for him to give it to you. Your own security cannot be held hostage to his moods. If he is shouting at you for bringing up a mouldy bathroom maybe he is not as kind and respectful as he seems. Overall the power dynamic sounds a bit worrying here and I would be far happier owning your own home and investing in that. not in his property especially as an unmarried woman.

But it is so much easier for me sat typing than for you living it.

Maybe put it in terms of "this is what I need for me to feel safe" and if he doesn't listen, well maybe he is being a bit of a selfish arse. Wouldn't you want the person you love to have security?

This is what I need... it's why I posted here. I need some tough love.