Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

So conflicted about my current situation and would appreciate some advice.

Im in my early 50s and have been living in my partner's house for the last 4.5 years after selling my property to release funds and move in with him. It happened quickly, I moved in after a few months of dating him.

I've paid 50% of everything since I moved in. He is mortgage free, so 50% of all bills, food, insurance etc.

We're coming up to 5 years of being in a very committed relationship and I'm starting to feel very anxious about my situation.

I'm divorced and suffered from financial and emotional abuse in my first marriage. I promised myself I'd never leave myself vulnerable again after my first marriage broke down, it took everything I had to get over the abuse and cheating.

I find myself with a lovely man now. Kind, caring, lovely to me.

But I'm uncomfortable with the fact that I am not building up anything for myself or my future.

What if he dumps me, or dies! He will not talk about marriage, if I even mention a civil ceremony he clams up. He has no will and doesn't seem to want to make one.

How do I protect myself in this situation? Just carry on living here and paying half of everything?

Why is it that I feel the need for marriage to feel secure.

He's such an avoidant personality... I can't even talk to him about doing up the mouldy en suite we've been living with for over 4 years... it's disgusting but he says he's not bothered by it.. I've offered to pay half to rectify it but he shouted at me and said he's happy to live with it as is.

Am I being stupid to just carry on coasting along ..... I need something solid. I lost everything when my first husband left me, am I leaving myself vulnerable again?

I'm living a lot off my savings, unfortunately the plan of getting a stable job has backfired on me.

I hit my 50s and the jobs I could always get are not there anymore.

I don't want him to leave me the house. I don't really know what I expect....

I just need to know I'm not going to be left up shit creek in my later life.

I need to be self sufficient if he isn't going to enter into a civil partnership I guess.

The best way to not be left up shit creek is to be sure that you have mortgage and rent free housing.

I'm about your age. This is the most important thing to me.

You describe him as "Kind, caring, lovely to me."

But as this poster says, he's really not lovely. You either need to find a way to communicate your unhappiness to him - doesn't seem to have worked so far - or get out and start looking after yourself. Otherwise you'll find yourself at 60, then 65, still looking at the mouldy bathroom. It won't get better.

Do start looking at other jobs. NHS for instance. Agency work. Look at housing associations, what is there locally? Use MN as much as you need. But whatever you do, don't stay as you are or you will be lost.

Thanks all.

The kick up the bum and some (not all) harsh but true words and sense check I needed.

I might be being really thick here, but why does buying a flat make you feel secure, but other types of investments don't?

If you would like to be putting money into a property, so you have an asset if things go wrong, can't you just put whatever money you would be spending on a property into a different investment?

You can find somewhere to rent, you don't have to buy. You have some cash and when work picks up eventually, can think about buying.

It's pointless living with this guy, you don't need him. Be independent, in your fifties there is a kot f life left to be lived.

Find a small flat, pack up and go, don't look back. You owe this man nothing.

I suggest you do some reading about ‘love bombing’ and other abusive relationship patterns.

There's always a bum kicker around on MN. You deserve much better than this. If you start planning tomorrow this time next year you will have your own place and a job and a mould free bathroom. It might not be your forever home but it will be a step on the way to it.
And learn to love yourself not settle for easy words from a selfish man who knows which of your buttons to press. You can do this.

I find myself with a lovely man now. Kind, caring, lovely to me.

I can't even talk to him about doing up the mouldy en suite we've been living with for over 4 years... it's disgusting but he says he's not bothered by it.. I've offered to pay half to rectify it but he shouted at me and said he's happy to live with it as is.
But he's happy for you to live in a shithole.

I ask him, very gently, tell him I feel vulnerable, he says yeah yeah blah blah, and does absolutely nothing....

He has no respect for and dismisses your feelings

He will not talk about marriage, if I even mention a civil ceremony he clams up. He has no will and doesn't seem to want to make one.

He doesn't want you to have any claim on him - even if in reality you wouldn't. He doesn't care about your security.

But it's so hard to leave someone who declares such love for me....

Words are cheap.

Now think again about what you wrote: Kind, caring, lovely to me.

He doesn't sound any of those things. Just because he isn't as bad as your ex doesn't mean he's lovely. He has no interest in looking out for you OP, so it's time to look out for yourself. Without him. And I know that sounds scary to you, but think about what you'd be leaving behind and compare it with what you could build for yourself. He's actually given you a fairly shit five years. The sunk cost fallacy is real. Don't let him give you any more years.

When my first husband left me for his mistress, I lost everything, it took me a long time to recover, buy a house, sort myself out. I was on friend's sofas and a bag lady for a long time.

Then I met the most wonderful man, sold up and moved in with him. I absolutely believed that we'd be building a future together and I'd be feeling secure and happy after nearly 5 years.

However, all I feel like I'm doing at the moment is compromising where I live, paying half his bills, Im tied to where we live because he has school age children, he refuses to do any home improvements and if anything ever happened to him, or us, Id just be out on my arse, homeless and starting all over again. I had the energy (just) in my mid forties to rebuild a shattered life. But don't fancy doing that again, anytime, but certainly not in my 50s/60s.

Wtf am I doing!!!

Crying.

You're so right.

Don't think you are currently being at all stupid. You just need to future proof your finances that is all. For instance your money stays in a savings account that only has your name on it. You never get a joint bank account or loan. If the house is his and are only paying half of bills that seems fair. You could invest your money rather than save it but frankly easier to get hands on in savings account if relationship goes belly up and you need to move out at some point.

You are not stupid and you haven’t done anything wrong and strangers sometimes give the best advice.

Your gut is talking to you. Listen to it.

He can be hurt, get mad, etc. That only shows you are right to take action and move on. As difficult and scary as that may be, the n the other hand you have a life that doesn’t look like the one you want to be living, controlled by someone whose values and plans clearly don’t match your own.

You are being very harsh on yourself.

You know he's not really lovely or particularly caring of you or you wouldn't have been posting here in the first place. Sounds like you've been sold a lie and after 5 years he doesn't see any need to commit as he has everything he wants. You don't.

Do what you can to secure your own home, it won't be easy but you won't be wasting anymore time on a man who will happily leave you homeless with all your savings gone from paying half his bills. The control of your own life, is yours to take.

I’m currently supporting an elderly lady on a similar situation to this, she was 80 when she sold her house to move in with her 84 year old gentleman friend, he’s kicked her out a few month ago just after he turned 90, she’s 86 and homeless and in the very early days of recovering from cancer. He behaved like your fella whenever she tried to bring it up with him over the years and it was very clear to me he was a controlling and emotionally manipulative twat and just because he’s old and 90 doesn’t mean he’s harmless. But her previous marriage was with abusive and emotionally manipulative too and she was riddled with self doubt.

If you have the means to get secure housing for yourself now then you should do that. In fact, you should probably dump him. He isn’t showing care for you now, what do you think he’ll be like as you both age and need to plan and discuss care plans?

OP, I'm sorry to be so brutal, but as others have said, you have broken the promise you made to never leave yourself vulnerable again after your first marriage, and have basically WASTED THE LAST 5 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE waiting for this man to make up his mind to marry you, or at the very least, do something to help secure your future. I have put the words in capitals in order to drive it home to you that this is what you have done.

Time to face the fact that although you think he's wonderful, he really isn't, and if you are to have any security in your old age, then it's down to YOU, and ONLY YOU, to make it happen. So, get yourself another job, find yourself a property that you can afford, and tell this man that you're moving out. Tell him that you can't live with the uncertainty of life with him, if he's not prepared to marry you, or even make a Will in your favour, and so you feel you have no choice other than to sort out a roof of your own, and if this means breaking up, then so be it. He KNOWS that he's putting you in a vulnerable situation OP, and he doesn't care enough to do what's necessary to make you feel secure, so he really DOESN'T DESERVE YOU, does he?

Oh, and if he suddenly says he'll make a Will in your favour, please don't fall for it, as he'll just procrastinate, and of course, even if he does eventually do it, he could always change it, so you can't really rely on that anyway.

Finally OP, start putting the wheels in motion NOW, as time really isn't on your side.

Good luck!

Even more reason not to be too concerned about his ‘upset’ reaction to your suggestion about purchasing a flat. He has his security. Where’s yours? A selfish reaction on his part, I’m afraid. Particularly given he’s avoiding discussing the matter entirely. It’s because in his eyes, it doesn’t affect him. Put yourself first and be savvy about your future finances.

Dosen't sound very 'kind and caring' to me.

Love is action.

Hmm just a guess, you are doing all the housework, right?
Take all the advice you've been given, dear OP.

You are not an idiot. You were sold a dream. And now real life has started to bite you on your behind.

Better now than a few years or more down the road.

Sometimes strangers on the internet have walked down similar roads and just don’t want to see someone making the mistakes they did. Sometimes strangers can see things we might have convinced ourselves aren’t happening. Sometimes strangers can help you see the life you could have.

No-one is saying it is definitely going to be peachy and easy. It might be. It might be more of a struggle. It might be bloody tricky to start with.

But you won’t be living your life on the whim of someone else. You can maybe see that there is a lovely world out there where you don’t have to feel unsure, you don’t have to worry about someone else ignoring your concerns and you can absolutely lay down the foundations where you have a say in your destiny. There is such power and peace in that.

Some of us strangers on the internet are out the other side and are here to tell the tale. 💐

Action not words, I'm afraid.
Love is demonstrated not proclaimed.

Interesting that you say it"s hard to leave someone who loves you, yet you don't say you wont leave because you love him?

Its understandable that it is difficult for you to break free of this situation as from everything you have written, it sounds like you are repeating a pattern. From one financially abusive relationship to another, albeit this is in a different way.

Only you can change your own situation into one that is best for your needs,, living conditions, future financial security and ultimately happiness. You can only control your own actions. Staying and continuing to hope he'll change his mind and take action when there's never been any evidence of such yet is a choice you are making.

A good question to ask yourself is if you KNEW this situation would remain the same in a years time, or five years time, or ten years time, would you be happy?

Is this relationship giving you what you actually want and need?

He has school aged kids. That's who the house will (rightly) be going to. You need to secure your own future accommodation.

I think a lot of us missed this, it's quite an important piece of information I feel.