Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

So conflicted about my current situation and would appreciate some advice.

Im in my early 50s and have been living in my partner's house for the last 4.5 years after selling my property to release funds and move in with him. It happened quickly, I moved in after a few months of dating him.

I've paid 50% of everything since I moved in. He is mortgage free, so 50% of all bills, food, insurance etc.

We're coming up to 5 years of being in a very committed relationship and I'm starting to feel very anxious about my situation.

I'm divorced and suffered from financial and emotional abuse in my first marriage. I promised myself I'd never leave myself vulnerable again after my first marriage broke down, it took everything I had to get over the abuse and cheating.

I find myself with a lovely man now. Kind, caring, lovely to me.

But I'm uncomfortable with the fact that I am not building up anything for myself or my future.

What if he dumps me, or dies! He will not talk about marriage, if I even mention a civil ceremony he clams up. He has no will and doesn't seem to want to make one.

How do I protect myself in this situation? Just carry on living here and paying half of everything?

Why is it that I feel the need for marriage to feel secure.

He's such an avoidant personality... I can't even talk to him about doing up the mouldy en suite we've been living with for over 4 years... it's disgusting but he says he's not bothered by it.. I've offered to pay half to rectify it but he shouted at me and said he's happy to live with it as is.

Am I being stupid to just carry on coasting along ..... I need something solid. I lost everything when my first husband left me, am I leaving myself vulnerable again?

He's not really that lovely though
He seems that way because on a level of 1 to 10 of the jerk meter he's sitting at about a four instead of a 10 like your ex

You're not married and clearly he considers things separate so go ahead and do what you want to do with your own money by the flat do whatever you need to do to make yourself secure. You don't even need to discuss it with him you don't need his permission you're not married.

He's not much of a provider if he won't even give you a decent sanitary home to live in

Spending thousands on his mouldy bathroom for crumbs from the table isn't the way forward. That's money that should be invested in your own future. His words don't cost him anything and there are no deeds from him to be seen. Time to wise up before it's too late

I'm sorry but you are in a second abusive relationship.

He shouts at you, abuses you financially and doesn't care about your health/hygiene with his mouldy bathroom. Nor does he care one iota about your long term security.

It might be better than your previously relationship but less bad doesn't mean good.

‘But it’s so hard to leave someone who declares such a love for me….’
Talk is cheap. Look for the actions every time.

I'm scared to leave him.

There, I said it.

Sunken cost fallacy and all that.

Nearly 5 years of living in a shit area, for what.

I am so cross with myself.

But I have a devil on my shoulder saying ... stay... what if he was going to propose or make sure you were provided for... he was going to do it soon... but you left before he could fo it....

You have an Angel on the other shoulder who should be telling you that you’re a strong, independent woman who has weathered worse and will get through this. Perhaps you need to leave so that he can see your worth 💐

You don't have to be crossed with yourself you've been sincere here and you've done nothing wrong

I think you know he's not going to ask you to marry him. He made it pretty clear he isn't going to so he's not going to suddenly change his mind and the more time you wait the more time passes and you not getting what you want. imagine having your lovely flat of your own that you can decorate how you want it's not moldy you can have friends over and not be embarrassed

Ok, so walk the thought through. He proposes, you get married and now you're stuck with his living conditions, his temper, his insecurity. Getting out now would cost you money, and stress. He might try and take half of your liquid assets (for half of a mouldy, decrepit property in a naff area...?)

Say you get everything you say you want, would you actually want it? Or would you feel trapped?

This.

And also?

Perhaps you need to leave so YOU can see your own worth.

Can you clarify an ambiguity? You say to sold up to release funds and move in with him. (Extremely precipitately!)
You didn’t say ‘in order to move in with him’, and so, if he was mortgage-free four years ago, or as near as damnit, why did you need to sell up?

You have added that you broached buying a small place of your own (which you could surely just rent out anyway) but he reacted badly. ( That was a very important warning sign, if you needed any more)
Given your present conflicted feelings about financial your future and his flat refusal to do anything to reassure you, I can’t see why you even needed to mention it.
Therefore, were you required to give him a lump sum from selling up before moving in? And were you consulting him about the possible purchase because you’d need that money back?

I hope I’m being unfair to him, and no such ‘deposit’ on your relationship was transacted.
Assuming you have money in the bank then, I would waste no further time, and begin a serious search for a small property, and dont even discuss it, he is nit your husband.

(I would also, in your shoes, waste no further time with this man. I think this all sounds very bad, and you should heed your instincts.
After living with him for four+ years, you shouldn’t be a bundle of doubts and anxiety, suffering grotty living conditions, and enduring what I read as a lack of love. Certain a lack of kindness, though it is not inferior.
I’m unsurprised he was pissed off when you mentioned living apart, as that would mean he loses the 50% reduction in his living expenses.

If all that 👆🏼is grossly unfair of me, then do not be deflected again from leaving him to live apart, as it must be obvious that the status quo cannot persist. If he does not wish to understand, again, and takes this as a break up, the so bloody be it)

It's ok to be shit scared. That's perfectly natural. It's hard to think of yourself as being on your own sometimes. But you need to stop kidding yourself. Reading what you have written, he's not going to change. Start by making a plan. Short term, long term. Dig yourself out of this shit show. Do some research on what your options might be. X

And whatever you do, do not offer to pay for or subsidise any improvements. (Move OUT)

Hear, hear, with bells on

I sold up, quit my job that I hated and moved in, on the back of a terrible divorce. He had just bought the house I moved into and I didn't contribute anything towards it. I'm basically just a lodger here I guess.

I cannot believe it's been nearly five years.

This. I’d prioritise finding a property, or getting a stable job and finding a property if that’s the steps needed. I’d be open about it- I’m house hunting for a flat. I might live in it yes- I hate your bathroom and I hate that you yell at me when I mention it because you’re fine with it. I don’t want to live somewhere where I don’t matter. No, I don’t want to pay half for your bathroom now, I’m saving to buy my own. He doesn’t get to dictate all the rules and all your choices. Make your own. Buy a property.

Someone who shouts at you over wanting to repair a mouldy bathroom doesn't sound particularly lovely or loving. He knows your history and should understand why you are worried about your future security. He shouldn't be taking it personally.

Unfortunately I would be very surprised if he were planning to propose. He sounds like the kind of person who likes to just coast along with as little effort as possible and has very little get-up-and-go about him. The kind of person who has to be dragged kicking and screaming into any major life decision. He's satisfied with things as they are and apparently doesn't care that you are not.

Everybody loves him, he's incredible in so many ways. But we've hit the nearly 5 year mark and it's crunch time and I'm bricking it tbh.

I mean the time for these concerns was before you sold your own property , but at least you are caught up now and are facing hard facts.

You need to prepare for the worst case scenario like him leaving you, or dying things beyond your control 🥺 harsh but true.

God. This. 100%

What security is it you want? Are you expecting him to leave the house to you if he dies?

splitting the bills seems fair, you are currently saving by not having to pay rent/towards a mortgage can you ring fence an amount of money each money as if you were & add it to your savings. So you are then building your funds

I'm such a fucking idiot.

Thanks all for your words.

Isn't it ridiculous that I'm asking complete strangers for advice.

Just don't want to face the facts that are staring me in the face.

You need to get out and get your self respect back. He's a selfish man who puts on an act to the outside world.

Sometimes it helps to talk to strangers. Better than bottling it up. One thing MN is good at is when someone needs genuine support. We may be a tetchy lot but if straight talking is needed you will certainly get it here! And it's good to unburden it all anonymously. It helps to sort your head out and what you want.

Well, you’re either his future nurse with a purse or his bangmaid. Neither are nice for you and he isn’t nice to you, for you or about you.

God, anything has to be better than this. Stop living on the dreams that are only present inside your head, certainly not in his, and start looking properly at what your life actually is.

And get angry. You can do a lot of things while being angry.

No, no, no. Please don’t listen to such nonsense.
Get out immediately; God knows you owe him no consideration.
Why would you put yourself through even more of this terrible arrangement when it isn’t adding a single thing to your life? Nothing else matters, and certainly not the length of the relationship.
I hope that if he proposed tomorrow you’d laugh at him. ( If it were ever his intention, wasn’t your mooting a property purchase the moment to fo it?)
He sounds like a user and also a slob, and what mature woman wants either, let alone both?

Please stop thinking a man is worth the misery you are expected to put up with. Get wise and get out.